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Old 12-28-2012, 06:17 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Had an interesting, non-drama conversation with my mother over Christmas. Got a chance to say some things that had been bugging me about her reaction to me coming out to her and my dad as bi 15+ years ago (didn't know the term "pansexual" then). Turns out she's STILL terrified of the confrontations I *might* have to deal with if I were dating a woman. What's funny is I'm involved in LGBTQ activism. I throw myself at those confrontations and she knows it. *sigh* I suppose it's good that she's not against bisexuality in general, she is just scared for her daughter. I can't get too annoyed with that. She is, however, one of those people who thinks that bi= "must date one of each" and she said outright that she would be very uncomfortable around a 3rd person, would not want them in her house, and would be scared/worried that it would harm my relationship with MC and the family we've built with our children. She even mentioned TGIB by name (whom she knows as a close friend of ours), saying, "I have to work to remind myself that TGIB is not a threat to your relationship!" I smiled a bit- "No, he's not." But it was not the time to explain to her that MC and I BUILT our relationship around not-quite monogamy (we were open-ish with a "no PiV" agreement in place until we were done having kids and my tubes were tied). And with TGIB still being almost 2,000 miles away, it doesn't matter yet. Yes, I want to be able to be open to her, not lying or hiding, but right now there isn't much to hide. He isn't here. Eventually, when we live together and it's OUR house (mine, MC's, and TGIB's) then she will need to be told. I'm not hiding my love in my own damn house. And then she will be told that MC and I have been (basically) like this since we were dating. And he STILL asked me to marry him! I'm not taking advantage of the poor, socially-awkward nerd (who isn't nearly as innocent as she thinks he is). On that subject, I pointed out to her that if I hypothetically (!!) WAS doing something with MC's full knowledge and consent, but he was not being honest and truthful with me about his feelings on the matter, exactly who would be at fault for the resentment that would likely result? Should it be on me to second-guess everything he says? Or him to be honest? I know my answer, and I know the answer of most people on this forum, but my mom does that. Somehow it's up to her to keep my dad happy without him needing to be clear on what he wants or needs. And she lies to him (white lies, in her opinion, but still lies) to avoid confrontation (my dad CAN be rather unreasonable when he gets angry. It ain't pretty. However the way I deal with this is MUCH difference from my mother's, even when I still had to live with him!) so I see her as painting my relationship with her brush.

I feel slightly better about the eventual reveal. I don't think she'll disown me or cut herself off from her grandkids. I know I can be calm, and tell her that our decisions about our relationship are just that, OURS, and she is free to disagree with them as I'm free to disagree with hers, but once the differing opinion has been expressed, that's the end of it (unless there's evidence of an ongoing problem, but that's true for all relationships, mono, poly, familial, etc). And I'll be able to tell her (again, calmly) that it's been working for us for YEARS, and as she hasn't noticed unusual problems with our marriage or our kids thus far, it's unlikely that we're going to rush out and start damaging things now.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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