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  #171  
Old 02-20-2011, 10:49 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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This week (and last) I'm thanking God for "multi-partner co-habitation".

Because we are all living together,

last week- it was possible for me to accept the offer to fly to Florida with a friend on a couple days notice. Maca, Mimi and GG were able (with Spicy's help) to take care of the household.

this week-even though I've been sick as a dog, Maca's unable to use his arm, Mimi hurt her back (and is still in a brace for her ankle),
with all of us together, GG and Spicy helping out, we were able to take care of the household responsibilities, get Spicy bandaged up (she cut her thumb), and replace the washing machine that went down!

WHEW-thank goodness for co-habiting!
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  #172  
Old 03-20-2011, 07:54 AM
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so i had some questions about definitions, and how things fit into them.

as i understand it, in a triad all three parties are romantically and sexually involved. and in a vee 2 parties are each separately involved with the 3rd.

so my questions are first, is that correct? and second if vees are not all romantically and sexually involved, how do the living arrangements pan out?

i ask these things because it seems R, K, and I may be becoming a vee. Although I've not counted out C yet (K's partner before this all came about, and still partner) so we may be a quad, or 2 vees...

anyway, my other question being about living arrangements.. in a vee, do the 3 parties tend to live together? and, not being romantically or sexually involved, how difficult is that on the 2 parties that are not the hinge?

this of course stems from personal experience. the latest being my hearing love noises through the door while K was over. i'm not naive, or lying to myself. i know they have sex, likely every time K is here, but to know and to hear, well they are different things.

or are there any vees in the crowd that have different living arrangements. such as the newest member living in a separate home, or somesuch. or does that make the relationship not a vee, but something else?

really i'm trying to come to grips with sex in my house, sex that doesn't involve me. it's odd. sometimes it makes me very sad. but it's hard to tell if it's something that is only saddening because it's so new, or if i will feel differently once the initial oddness goes away. and how to deal if it doesn't. can we all live together if i can't stand hearing them in the next room? and is it too much to ask that they keep the noise down? i mean, i wouldn't want her to ask that of R and myself. so i can't very well as it of them.

i'm sorry, my posts are always so long, and needy and they go in circles. but just being able to post here makes me feel a lot better about what we are doing. as i've mentioned, there is no one in my daily life that i can discuss this with. no one gets even close to understanding, i don't think anyone wants to.

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  #173  
Old 03-20-2011, 08:13 AM
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If you keep reading this forum, you will keep finding out that poly relationships and entanglements are whatever you want them to be. More experienced peeps here can share how they live, but from reading here and talking to other poly people, I have learned that you can be involved in pretty much any poly dynamic with or without everyone all living together. There's no rule that any member of a triad, vee, or quad, etc. must cohabit.

And as far as there being sex going on within earshot, lots of people have posted here about being uncomfortable with that and so they come up with guidelines and ground rules. If you don't want to hear it, you don't have to. Seems that some people don't have sex where their SOs can hear them, or they go to a hotel or some other place - OR the one person not having sex with the others finds things to do to occupy their time and leave for a while (movies, boys' night out, etc.).
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  #174  
Old 03-20-2011, 09:26 AM
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thanks cindie. i guess i do that a lot, kind of ask what's ok, when we all know everything can be ok depending on who's involved. what i really mean to ask is what's the norm, what have people here tried and how did it work out?

as for the sex in earshot, i have thought about finding something to do while that's going on. but it almost seems cowardly to me. no offense to anyone who works this way. i just feel like, if i am doing this, if this is all going to be a part of my life, i need to be able to embrace it all.

let me explain our current living arrangments. K lives with C, not here. but she comes over what amounts to every other day. spending the night 2 out of 3 times. we have two bedrooms, but R and i never slept regularly in either one. in 'my room' is a twin bed and not much else. in 'R's room' there is a futon and all his man cave stuff (tvs, gaming systems, computer...) before K, R slept in his room and i slept in the living room, which opens into his room.

so that means that when he's in his room with K, and i'm in the living room where i generally hang out, there's only a door between us. the plan is on our next pay day to make my room more inviting. then i can hang out there, so there's more than one door in between us all. we are thinking this will help all of us be more at ease.
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  #175  
Old 03-20-2011, 11:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
thanks cindie. i guess i do that a lot, kind of ask what's ok, when we all know everything can be ok depending on who's involved. what i really mean to ask is what's the norm, what have people here tried and how did it work out?

... i just feel like, if i am doing this, if this is all going to be a part of my life, i need to be able to embrace it all.

K lives with C, not here. but she comes over what amounts to every other day, spending the night 2 out of 3 times...

so that means that when he's in his room with K, and i'm in the living room where i generally hang out, there's only a door between us. the plan is on our next pay day to make my room more inviting. then i can hang out there, so there's more than one door in between us all. we are thinking this will help all of us be more at ease.
Sounds like a good plan. Like I said in your other thread, this new relationship is really progressing quickly. Of course you're going to be uncomfortable with some aspects of it. Your comfort is just as important as them getting their rocks off.

There is no "normal" when it comes to poly configurations and solutions.

Is C fine with K coming over 3 times a week with 2 sleepovers? Personally, if I were C, I wouldn't be down with that. Are you really OK with them spending half the week together after only a couple months of them knowing each other (much less making living together plans already)?

A few times, when I have been in my apartment with my gf, and my other sweetie has come over and we've had sex, my gf has been on the computer in my bedroom, chatting with friends, or playing a video game, to distract herself. I make sure she is set up with food, drinks, etc, so D and I can have the run of the rest of the apartment: kitchen, guest room, living room.

Gf isn't bothered by hearing the sex sounds D and I make, but she does get turned on a little. After he leaves (he doesn't sleep over) I make sure to immediately check in with my gf, and give her some sexual relief, if needed, as well.

Basically, from what you've been saying, I feel R is just doing what he damn well pleases, with little to no care for how you feel, and you're being a people pleaser, "needing to embrace it ALL," no matter how sad or lonely or jealous you may be feeling.
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  #176  
Old 03-20-2011, 02:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Basically, from what you've been saying, I feel R is just doing what he damn well pleases, with little to no care for how you feel, and you're being a people pleaser, "needing to embrace it ALL," no matter how sad or lonely or jealous you may be feeling.
This.
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  #177  
Old 03-20-2011, 02:48 PM
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and you're being a people pleaser, "needing to embrace it ALL," no matter how sad or lonely or jealous you may be feeling.
well you hit the nail on the head here, i am totally a people pleaser. but i don't know what else to do. i don't want to push him away, especially if that just pushes him closer to her. i want to do this fully. as in, if they don't last, i want there to be no question that it was between them, and nothing to do with me. and if they do last, well i'm hoping the NRE finally cools down and he gets back to normal. and when he does he'll realize how great i've been. and she'll become a friend, instead of only his GF.

as for my general needs, they are being met. do i wish i got more than 4 days a week with him? absolutely. but i think of it like this, if we had another day, what would we do with it? we aren't NREing, so we tend to do old married couple stuff. like hang out in different rooms of the house, or run errands. admittedly a lot of what we do on 'my days' is not as exciting as her days, but i try not to compete. he's with me for me. and if he wants what she has more, then so be it.

grr rr r this whole thing makes my head hurt.

the most annoying thing about this situation is i can't get a break. >.< i'm sure you've all felt that way. when i feel insecure and tired, i want to go to him, like i always would. but since he's involved in what's making me feel that way, i can't. i think maybe i need to find some poly meetings, or a therapist who understands this lifestyle.
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  #178  
Old 03-20-2011, 03:48 PM
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Actually, dear, you should be able to go to him with all your feelings around his new relationship. If he cares about you first and foremost (as he should! after such a long marriage), you sharing your struggles should not push him away. It should bring you closer! So many couples here find the work involved in making poly brings them closer to their primary (and heats up their sex life), does not drive them apart!

Look for Freetime's thread, for a recent example. Here it is

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7618
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miss pixi, 37
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  #179  
Old 03-20-2011, 07:18 PM
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Oh I see Neon must've combined a couple threads!
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miss pixi, 37
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  #180  
Old 03-20-2011, 07:50 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Oh I see Neon must've combined a couple threads!
These are issues that are not uncommon regarding the topic of this thread, so even though a lot of it is personal, it was moved to this thread to make it easier to find for others in a similar situation.
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