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  #21  
Old 03-23-2010, 07:33 PM
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Red,
wow ups downs and roller coasters.
I too waited and waited patiently for all parties to be ready. i never baked on it, but it was an option i always loved having... co-habitation. not something to rush into. i'm a careful planner. NRE be damned, i wasn't going to mess this one up! slow and steady.
I guess i can take comfort in that i'm not the only one who got left out when one partner's SO changes their minds about co-habitiation. altho it sounds to me like it is for the most part they try and then it doesnt work out. in my case, it was (thankfully?) a partner's SO changing their mind before we tried co-habitation so i guess i can take sum comfort in that. I can't imagine what it must be like for those cpls you know Red who tried and then fell apart... so painful i can't imagine...
it seems to me, when it comes to co-habitation... the need to be open and honest and communicative become even more important. am i right?
as for OH (other home) trust me, i liked the concept of having my partner over at my place... but, it was only fer a few hours and never overnight....i get what you mean about wanting to be there and not being able to be there... I enjoyed my independence and my home but i enjoyed the idea of having my honey there when i came home from work or to snuggle with on the sofa while watching tv. you know? I had no problems with his other SO being there, as a matter of fact i had no problems sharing him. LOL. i mean, i wouldnt mind cuddling him on his left while she cuddled oh his right <-- lucky man! LOL as fer sex, ur right...i would miss the privacy and spontaneity of wherever and however with nobody "walking in"... that's the one part of co-habitation that would be tricky...

ok so this one is fer everybody now...
here's another question i post to y'all about co-habitation...
how do you introduce the concept of poly to your kids? how do you explain that you have 1 mommy and 1 daddy but that mommy loves another man who isnt daddy and daddy loves another woman who isnt mommy and you all live together as one happy family or whatever the situation may be...


and fyi: not in a poly relationship now. one just recently ended. no kids. no co-habitation (seeing as the relationship ended) I'm just posing these questions for curiosity and for discussion and to share sum of my experiences too... am "banking" the replies in this thread for the next relationship
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-27-2010 at 02:14 PM.
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  #22  
Old 03-24-2010, 12:54 AM
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Mono,
Thanks so much for sharing your process with us. Your honesty and vulnerabiltiy with the group is inspiring.
I wanted to share something from my personal experience. This was not a poly relationship, but I think this concept would help anyone wanting to live together- poly or not.
Anyway.....After dating for 18 months, my female partner and I decided to move in together. We were already in therapy- not because we were having problems, but because we wanted a professional opinion about our relationship.
We did live together for 12 years and had a very functional relationship and one of the advantages we had was a result of something our therapist suggested and we took it seriously.
It echos what others have already said:
We each had our own personal space within the house. The personal space was considered sacred and we each gave special attention to turning our individual spaces into something that was special for each of us.
The agreement was that a closed door was considered normal and healthy. An open door did not mean that someone could freely enter, however. But we would invite each other into our spaces. When I was in her space, I would consider it a special privilege and would act accordingly. She would do the same in my space.
Therefore, we would make dates and wait to be invited into each other's spaces. It kept things really special for us!
My best wishes to all 4 of you!!
Idealist
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  #23  
Old 03-24-2010, 01:05 AM
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My best wishes to all 4 of you!!
Idealist
Thanks for the tips Idealist..good stuff for sure
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  #24  
Old 03-24-2010, 03:19 AM
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Default A few of my ideas

Quoting Honestheart:
Quote:
here's another question i post to y'all about co-habitation...
how do you introduce the concept of poly to yer kids? how do you explain that you have 1 mommy and 1 daddy but that mommy loves another man who isnt daddy and daddy loves another woman who isnt mommy and you all live together as one happy family or whatever the situation may be...
I suspect there's threads on this somewhere (tagged children or family, I suspect). My two cents is to recommend a picture book by Barbara Joose, called I Love You the Purplest. It's about a mother with two sons, who keep asking who is better; she instead compliments each on their successes. At the end of the day, they ask Mom who she loves best, and she explains that she loves one the "bluest" and one the "reddest". It's a great explanation of how polylove works, even if it's meant to deal with sibling rivalry.

Quoting idealist:
Quote:
The agreement was that a closed door was considered normal and healthy. An open door did not mean that someone could freely enter, however. But we would invite each other into our spaces. When I was in her space, I would consider it a special privilege and would act accordingly. She would do the same in my space.
Therefore, we would make dates and wait to be invited into each other's spaces. It kept things really special for us!
Strangely enough, I read somewhere (in The Ethical Slut, perhaps?) about a sex party venue where they had a system with their doors and windows to tell others what they could do-- come in or don't, watch or don't, participate or don't... Pretty awesome, I say.

(I'd be curious how everyone here handles that... but I fear that I'm digressing. Mono, what say you?)

In cahoots,
~S
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  #25  
Old 03-24-2010, 03:36 PM
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Mono, what say you?)

In cahoots,
~S
If you want to make something seem less than normal to a child, sit them down and tell them that what you do is not what a lot of their friends' parents do.

That being said, a young child is much more ready to accept the concept of diverse relationships because, regardless of whether they have a poly or mono nature, they are relatively un-programmed to believe things should be a certain way.

Children learn by seeing and experiencing. I have no doubt that Redpepper's son would be quite fine with me living in a suite with them. In fact I think he would be quite happy He refers to us as team, his mom and dad and me.
Because we gently and patiently integrated my presence into his life, I have simply become family naturally. I am already a very big part of his life; I just live 9 minutes away as opposed to downstairs.

He has a sense that people are free to love who and however they want. He has learned this mostly from witnessing healthy relationships around him and a little discussion when things come up.

I can't speak for how to introduce this to an older child or young adult..because I haven't done that.
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  #26  
Old 03-24-2010, 05:50 PM
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My kids as well just accept the way things are as normal (they are 3 and 5). My biggest concern with them is that they are going to end up outing us to people that we aren't ready to be out to (mostly family). But that's a bridge that we'll cross when we get to it. I have to run. Sessions are starting up again.

-Derby
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  #27  
Old 03-24-2010, 08:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
ok so this one is fer everybody now...
here's another question i post to y'all about co-habitation...
how do you introduce the concept of poly to yer kids? how do you explain that you have 1 mommy and 1 daddy but that mommy loves another man who isnt daddy and daddy loves another woman who isnt mommy and you all live together as one happy family or whatever the situation may be...

When we went poly our oldest in hte home was 17. The next was 9 and the little one 2.
We were simply honest.
Mommy and daddy DO still love each other.
Mommy and GG also love each other (romantically).

It really just wasn't hard.

MIND YOU-we ALREADY all lived together and the kids have known GG all of their lives (the 17 yr old since she was 18 months). He's lived with us for 7 years.
So him BEING in hte home was already natural.

They call him Uncle GG and/or GG depending on the moment.
My oldest calls me mom and calls my sister her "other mom" because the first 6 years of her life we raised her alone.
She lives with us as well and is also a primary caregiver.

So the idea of sharing the home, sharing the responsibility of kids/finances etc wasn't a new idea for them, JUST the sex part was new.
The youngest QUICKLY and easily figured out that in hte mornings when daddy goes to work mommy can be found in GG's room and at night mommy goes to bed with daddy.
The now 10 year old couldn't care less really. He and I discussed it (that conversation is posted somewhere) and he just expressed that as long as there is love growing it can work out just fine (no explanation what exactly IT meant)

I think it very much depends on how you raise your child.
If you raise them to believe that everyone is different and that's not just "ok" but that diversity is good, then this is just one more diversity and that's even better.

I know that GG moved out for 1 year in the middle and it was DEVASTATING for the whole family. We asked him to move back in (and he did so happily) and it's been MUCH better since.
The kids get more attention with 4 adults in the house, more chances to go do things that they want (like field trips, scouting, camping, 4th of July parade etc) because even if mom or dad can't-they can always ask GG or Em.

Maca and I have more time alone-without the kids because there are 2 other adults in the home that can babysit without us having to pack overnight bags or find an outside babysitter.

When we talk about the importance of communication-we need to remember that honest, open communication with our children is JUST as important as with our lovers.

EVERY relationship (parent/child, siblings, friends, lovers etc) requires communication in order to be healthy and happy for both people.
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  #28  
Old 03-24-2010, 08:37 PM
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RP-
I hold onto my dream too. I know it can work-its just a matter of time.

We recently found a place in northern Idaho (we're looking to move to the Coeur d'Alene (spelling?) area in a year or so.

It has a master bedroom suite (bath/bed but no kitchen) on the second floor.

Another on the main floor.

Living rm, kitchen, 2 bdrms, bath, dining room on the main floor as well.

AND a master suite (bath/bed/livingroom) in hte basement with a laundry room as well.

IF we were moving right now-that would be perfect.

Our little sweetpea could have a room, so could sourpea, GG, Maca and I could each have our own suite.
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  #29  
Old 03-25-2010, 02:06 PM
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I've not been around much due to being exceptionally busy, but when i read this i just wanted to respond and share my positive experience,

i was very wary of R moving in because I am very aware that living together is a big step and it doesn't work for everyone but for us it just felt right. My gut feeling and intuition told me that it was the right thing to do and i dont' mean just the NRE making everything seem rosey it was a much deeper feeling that this was how things where meant to progress,

He has been living here for few months now and it has gone so far a lot smoother than i anticapted,

both men have there own room and i am allowed to sleep or spend time in both we all work diffrent shifts which gives us time alone, and time together as couples or 3 of us. We are constantly comunicating and you guys prob already know thats the key to things staying healthy,

whatever you decide to do i hope it works out
so far we have no regrets

Jools
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  #30  
Old 03-25-2010, 02:47 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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whatever you decide to do i hope it works out
so far we have no regrets

Jools
Thanks for such a positve update Ladyjools This is great news for you guys!
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