Multi-partner co-habitation

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Someone would find out and be on your doorstep looking for a place to stay. Considering the brood you already have in your home, I'm surprised your still sane. Is is 11 or 12 now? I think I would be in a tent in the back yard - Oh yeah it gets cold where you live, so that's not an option.

NO SHIT!
Right now Spicy Pea is in Oklahoma til Thanksgiving.
Maca is staying in town.
So that leaves myself, GG, Godson's mom, and the 4 kids. So only 8.

Funny thing-last night I was asking Maca what temperature his tent and sleeping bags were rated for...........

We have snow-and it's in the low 30s during the day right now.

[polytriad]

Originally Posted by redpepper

haha! sorry polytriad, that sounds like hell to me I have just come from a situation where I had no place to call my own and I certainly would be dragged kicking and screaming back to it if it were to be the case that this doesn't work out.

Don't get me wrong, I love time with everyone in the family, I love being all in the same bed, I love that everyone helps out with child care, supper, gardening etc. There is nothing I love more than all cuddling up together, going for a walk together, sleeping together, playing together... but I require a place to retreat to. Something to regain my inner self. I didn't have that before and I think it's important that everyone have that if it is what they desire.

It sounds like the women desire this too and are relishing the new space they have for themselves. I am happy for them. It sounds like it was needed... that doesn't mean that there won't be times together and that that isn't valid for them, but I think if I were in your situation I would be very careful to make sure they have what they need, even if it doesn't fulfill your goal.

I find this very interesting. I look at needing space from my partners and a problem.."I'd have to ask myself why I needed spaces from someone that I love and want to spend every waking moment with?"----Side note: I think a lot of space is given naturally for us...we all work...have kids and friends that are both separate and shared..Meaning all of the friends I have are my partners friends too and same for their friends but we all still can and do sometimes hang out separately...

Own space to retreat to? If you share a room with your partner is this not considered yours space when they are not in it? Or would it need to be a room that only you live in? Because I can always retreat to a location that no one is in if I need me time...I can also talk a solo walk.

The three of us discussed this as we stayed the weekend at Nikki's new place...Our 2 kids her kid our dog...so there was a total of 6 of us under one roof. Space wasn't an issues that we discussed. We mainly discussed the difference of home styling and care. Wifey and I are plan Janes.....Nikki loves color and it is abundant in her decor. Wifey and I don't mind the colors but we wouldn't set out to set our house up that way. We told her she would have free reign. We talking about Triad friendly furniture, tubs, showers and beds...So I feel like in time we will adopt the Joint living situation. I do however agree that Nikki and Wifey are enjoying having their space back....As I said before though inviting someone to live with you is different than a favor that was extended...

[redpepper]

@polytriad- you'd have to read my blog to see the process I went through to get my room... only been a couple of weeks now.. It is all detailed in there.

Really it depends on how big your house is, how long you've been piled on top of each other, your routines in terms of sleep, work, etc. For me time with friends and having a few moments in a shared room is not getting space. That wouldn't sustain us. Well, me. You'll have to read my blog to see what I mean...

Sounds like you have a great triad though, It isn't often that happens....

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

@Sounds like you have a great triad though,

Agreed

[polytriad]

Originally Posted by redpepper

@polytriad- you'd have to read my blog to see the process I went through to get my room... only been a couple of weeks now.. It is all detailed in there.

Really it depends on how big your house is, how long you've been piled on top of each other, your routines in terms of sleep, work, etc. For me time with friends and having a few moments in a shared room is not getting space. That wouldn't sustain us. Well, me. You'll have to read my blog to see what I mean...

Sounds like you have a great triad though, It isn't often that happens....

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Agreed

Thanks....the both of you know what I have went through to get it there but it's still a work in progress....

[Mohegan]

I love reading how all of you are working through things.

I have learned through several failed attempts that I cannot live with people. I don't know why it doesn't happen with Karma, but anyone else I have spent more than a few weeks with, I end "finding" reasons to get upset and fight with them. It's always bothered me because I've almost lost several dear friendships due to my inability to live with people.

I have to have a routine and particular way of doing things and adding someone else to the mix throws me all out whack.

So when I first found out about Cricket I asked Karma his ideal for this mess. He said he wanted to come home to the two women he loved.

How was that EVER going to work?

I've read over a lot lately and think my issue with roomies is my need for privacy. I need that alone time. Even from Karma (though I tend to forget that).

So Cricket and I talked a while back about buying a house and coverting it to a duplex. Her space and my space, with Karma floating in between.

This meets so many needs.

He is just next door if either of us need him.
My routines don't get intruded on.
Her routines don't get inturded on.
We can be together or apart as much as we want.

Thanks Mono and RP for sharing the good and the bad. You're paving the way for the rest of us.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Mohegan

Thanks Mono and RP for sharing the good and the bad. .

You're welcome

When I first moved in I was so hypervigilant about not seeming to be always in PN's space (as in upstairs) I actually spent less time with the family as a whole.

Today I came home, went upstairs to chat with everyone and do some small chores with PN before heading down to make my supper and start my evening.

I found this really brings out the sense of family and makes me feel even better about this move. I believe PN didn't feel encroached on and working as a team on things is part of the befit to living together but not together.

Lesson learned....touch base daily if I can. I'm family, not a visitor: family expects to see each other daily

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by polytriad

I'd have to ask myself why I needed spaces from someone that I love and want to spend every waking moment with?

I think that's the difference I do NOT want to spend every waking moment with my partners. Just like I'd like to be alone when I use the bathroom, for instance, there are other times when I feel the need to be alone and focus on myself without outside "signals" or distractions.
I feel it's good to have quality time with each person individually, one on one time to spend together and give 100% of your attention to that specific partner. And similarly, I feel the same need for myself.
I guess it goes along with the idea that you are your own primary, to me.

Originally Posted by polytriad

Own space to retreat to? If you share a room with your partner is this not considered yours space when they are not in it?

I feel it's different... The thing with a "safe place" or a "retreat" is that you know nobody will barge in and interrupt you or disrupt your solo time. If it's YOUR room, people need to ask for permission, or even know they can't ask (for instance if you have a policy that a closed door means "do not disturb").
You can't do that in a shared space, because people would be locked out of a place that is also theirs and that they might need. It would be bad for them, and bad for you because you'd constantly stress out that other people might need the room, and therefore not allow yourself to spend your quality time for fear of bothering theirs.

It's a bit like sharing, say, a piece of clothe. Every time you wear it, it means other people you're sharing it with can't. If you all need it at the same time, it can be a problem. Might as well all get your own.

I think it really comes down to the people's personality. Maybe you don't need any alone time. Maybe you hate any second you are alone. I've known people like that, who have never lived alone, always had a roommate of some sort because they can't stand the idea of living alone (and not for money reasons).
And then you have people who, as much as they love other people, also require alone time. I am like that, and it takes a great deal of solitude before I feel lonely. I can spend days not seeing another human and not realise it. (Well that hasn't happened in a while now since I'm married and live with my husband, but it's not something I have suffered from in the past).
To become someone I'm comfortable around takes a great deal of time and trust, and even then it will never be a 100% of the time kind of thing. And certainly not 100% of the time with two people at once (or more).

Each person reaches a saturation level at some point, and I need my alone time on top of that. I don't think it means I don't love them, just that I work differently

[polytriad]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I think that's the difference I do NOT want to spend every waking moment with my partners.

This is a bit of an exaggeration "sure I like to spend a lot of time with my wife and girlfriend" But in reality I work, run a side business, and I have lots of friends. So I build up a healthy about of "miss" throughout the day...this is where I get my "retreat" or "space" In my office at my side biz or at a friends house.

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I think it really comes down to the people's personality. Maybe you don't need any alone time. Maybe you hate any second you are alone. I've known people like that, who have never lived alone, always had a roommate of some sort because they can't stand the idea of living alone (and not for money reasons).
And then you have people who, as much as they love other people, also require alone time. I am like that, and it takes a great deal of solitude before I feel lonely. I can spend days not seeing another human and not realise it. (Well that hasn't happened in a while now since I'm married and live with my husband, but it's not something I have suffered from in the past).
To become someone I'm comfortable around takes a great deal of time and trust, and even then it will never be a 100% of the time kind of thing. And certainly not 100% of the time with two people at once (or more).

Each person reaches a saturation level at some point, and I need my alone time on top of that. I don't think it means I don't love them, just that I work differently

I guess you are right I don't seek out me time because it just happens naturally. Like right now I'm in my office alone posting....so I really haven't thought about if I would seek space out if I didn't have in happen organically...Interesting concept.

[MonoVCPHG]

Since moving downstairs and Redpepper having her room down there we have been forced to communicated through foot stomps for her son to get her attention LOL! I have been thinking about getting an intercom and amazingly enough I found one in perfect condition at a thrift store during our getaway this weekend Now her son, PN and RP, and I can communicate between floors a lot easier...it'll take a while for the novelty to wear off for my little buddy though

Another step forward