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  #1  
Old 05-05-2012, 04:36 PM
LadyNyx LadyNyx is offline
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Default How do you bring up poly?

Hi everyone, newbie here

Me and my mono boyfriend of 4 years split up in february, so I am currently single.

I have never been in a poly relationship before, but i'm pretty positive that it is my affination ... but only time will tell.

I do have a set of friends (3) who're in a poly relationship and have been for a long time but we're not close enough to bring the subject up and they're also friends with family. Best friends of mine in the past have scorned poly friends as 'vile' and 'just not right' so I can't really talk to them about it until I am certain I am poly either.


I want to try poly. I am straight and female if that matters. I guess what I really need advice with is when and how to bring the subject up. If/When I get a new partner ... should I tell them about it straight away or should I wait until we're in a commited mono relationship to bring it up? I don't want people thinking that i'm just looking for an excuse to shag about as that is just not the case but I really do want to explore these feelings I have always had.

Any advice? When is best, and how is best, to bring up poly with a new partner?
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Old 05-05-2012, 04:52 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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It doesn't have to be a heavy conversation on the the first date. In the "getting to know you" phase something simple like, "I'm not looking for exclusive relationships right now" could work. Then, if you get closer to someone or if they have questions, you can go into your reasons for exploring poly. Waiting until you're in a committed mono relationship isn't fair to your partner- you'll have basically created a relationship with them under false pretenses by lying about who you are/might be.

I would be careful about those best friends who scorn your poly friends, though. That might be a good place to START talking about reasons for being poly, as an academic exercise rather than applying it specifically to you. If they just can't accept it at all, they're unlikely to be very good friends to you through your journey. There are all kinds of reasons to hide being poly from certain family, co-workers, and society at large, but if you can't be yourself around your friends and talk to them about the things you're thinking and working through, can you really call them your friends??
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Old 05-05-2012, 04:58 PM
LadyNyx LadyNyx is offline
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Thanks for replying. I agree that it isn't fair to wait until in a commited mono relationship to bring it up. I think I kind of meant "Tell them it's a possibility" VS "Tell them when it happens" ... I think being upfront in the early stages as you said is the most sensible approach.

It's funny about the friends. They've stuck by me through thick and thin and their three of the most amazing people i've ever met. One of them I think would understand as her own father still to this day says that he loved her mother and his wife equally and she now says sometimes that she understands. The other two have been cheated on by abusive boyfriends who had affairs and I think in their minds Poly is basically the same thing which it is OBVIOUSLY NOT. These friends have never actually met my Poly friends, they judge them based on what they've heard of them which is a real shame!!

Thanks for replying and giving good, sage advice! Really helps to clarify my own thoughts.
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Old 05-06-2012, 01:07 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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B1, who I met through OKCupid, asked me what I was after from the relationship on our second date. I said something along the lines of "what I'm not after is a happily-ever-after, never-look-at-another-man-ever-again thing" (I didn't realise there was a word for it at the time). As it turned out that was just fine with him. I'd read up on polyamory by the time I got together with B2 a couple of months later, and the fact that he's married kind of made it obvious from the start.

I don't think it would have been fair to wait any longer than I did with B1, but in my defence I was flying blind at the time.
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:21 AM
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DarayTala DarayTala is offline
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I would highly advocate being honest from the very beginning. I would also recommend being both blunt, and very nonchalant about it. I have found with this (and many other things, like involvement in BDSM, other alternative lifetstyles, misunderstood religions, etc) if you are completely honest and forward, while also acting like it is perfectly normal and not a big deal at all, you get excellent responses. I've never actually had anyone take issue with any of my less-than-usual lifestyle choices, even people who have had problems with other people being in those lifestyles, or who had conflicting beliefs. I honestly believe it is because I have always been completely transparent, and have also not made it seem like there was anything wrong or different about what I was doing. That seems to have made people very receptive to just listen and try to understand, even if they might disagree. It has also led to me becoming involved with people who would never have considered polyamory before, or explaining it and having someone who was previously vehemently against it suddenly decide to give it a shot.

So I would advocate that you are upfront about it as soon as possible, the same as you would be if you had a child, or already had a partner and were looking for a second, or so on and so forth. If you are searching for people online, for sure put it early on in your profile. If you meet people in person, as soon as conversation turns to dating, I would recommend saying something like "well lets talk about what we might expect or be looking for" and bring it up then. That kind of frankness also tends to impress people and can get other major issues out of the way early on as well.

I hope that helps, and I wish you luck in your foray into polyamory!
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Old 05-06-2012, 09:00 AM
HotPepper HotPepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarayTala View Post
I would highly advocate being honest from the very beginning. I would also recommend being both blunt, and very nonchalant about it. I have found with this (and many other things, like involvement in BDSM, other alternative lifetstyles, misunderstood religions, etc) if you are completely honest and forward, while also acting like it is perfectly normal and not a big deal at all, you get excellent responses. .....
Good advice. Beats the guilty-look method.
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Old 05-07-2012, 10:19 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You might want to do a tag search here for "coming out."
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