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  #1  
Old 05-04-2012, 01:53 PM
BrandonWin BrandonWin is offline
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Default Heartsick, need gentle advice

Several folks suggested that I do my best to get over my reluctance to post, and go ahead and let people know what is going on with me, so here goes.

Have you ever been madly, deeply in love with someone, and they say they love you back but it is clear they just aren't as excited to see you or hear from you as you are to see them? Or as much as they are their about their other lovers?

I know that I should accept her statement of love for me at face value, but she hardly communicates with me at all about how she feels, and I have brought it up with her SO many times that I feel guilty as hell bringing it up anymore. I'm hurting bad inside. I walk around thinking about how I wish she loved me all the time, day and night.

The ridiculous thing is, I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I have other lovers, old and new, with whom things are progressing nice and comfortably as they should. But I am obsessed with this woman. I feel like the longer I know her, my NRE is increasing, and mind you it has been years. Her NRE for me has waned in a very normal way, and she has NRE now for other lovers she has met since we've been together. Meanwhile, I feel more strongly for her with every passing week. I chastise myself constantly for being so fixated on the negative in my life while the positive things are going so well. I am my own worst critic.

I believe that I should be more independent. I know that it's just life - sometimes someone breaks your heart - but this isn't even a case of me loving her and her not loving me back. It's a case of her not loving me back as much as I love her, and it may seem like such a little thing, but it is eating me up inside. I'm hardly sleeping at all, and my stomach has been in knots for months. I'm seriously considering going to a psychologist to ask for some antidepressants.

My question is, how do you pull back emotionally? How do you take your love for someone from a strong 11 down to a nice normal 8? I need this for my sanity and my health. I have never felt this way before and I feel like it is killing me.

thanks for whatever help you have. - bw
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  #2  
Old 05-04-2012, 02:36 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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First ...good job for jumping in. And second...your story isn't riddled with unethical choices and bad decisions that typically get the hardliners on there soap boxes so I don't think you have anything to worry about.

How did your relationship start with this girl? Where you actively poly at the time.

How old are you both? Do you live together? how much time do you dedicate to each other? How is your time with your other Gf's decided? How is her time with other the other men decided?
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  #3  
Old 05-04-2012, 04:57 PM
BrandonWin BrandonWin is offline
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Thank you for your reassurance. I didn't expect anyone to tell me I had made any bad choices, but it sometimes seems like I read a lot of messages from the frequent posters along the lines of "she doesn't owe you anything, this is your problem, deal with it".

Which is true actually. It's not her fault, and I am looking for advice on how to deal with it.

We are both poly, and were poly when we met. We don't live together but that is only by her choice, and I have let her know I would welcome it. I really don't want to go into too many personal details about my time with other gf's or hers with other bf's, but I really don't think that's the issue. It really boils down to her simply not feeling as intensely for me as I feel for her. I'm just looking for advice on how to get over the hurt, over the heartsick.

thanks for writing - bw
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Old 05-04-2012, 05:16 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Whenever I've run into a situation when my feelings for someone are stronger or different than theirs are for me, I always end up asking myself, "Would I rather have them in my life like this (pain and everything) or would I rather not have them in my life at all?" This usually results in me deciding that I'd rather have them in my life with the imbalance, even if it means I get hurt from time to time. Then I occasionally have to remind myself that I chose to be in this situation, no one is forcing me and if the pain is too much, I can end the relationship. Sometimes that's the choice I make from the beginning, because it's just too hard to maintain a relationship with the difference in emotions, so to protect myself I have to cease contact and get some distance and time before the hurt heals, and then I may or may not be able to be friends with the person down the road.

I don't know if it's possible to dial down an emotion the way you're wanting, if waiting for the intensity to lessen over time hasn't worked. Why not find a mental health professional to talk to about it, though? Instead of just asking for a pill, they may have some insights or suggestions on ways for you to train your brain to focus more on the positive and being content with what you have, rather than dwelling on what you don't.
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  #5  
Old 05-04-2012, 06:13 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I have found that obsession calls for more obsession, at least for me. What works for me if I'm too focused on someone is to take a step back and do something else, about me if possible. Read a book, play a game, do a hobby, watch a show... Something to take your mind off of that person. Try not to think about her when you're apart, when you catch yourself doing so, grab a list of activities you enjoy and pick one from the list, or call friends and go out to movies or something.

You're not going to stop loving her (and neither do you want to, anyways!), but it should snowball less, if you're anything like me, and that might help you.
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:18 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrandonWin View Post
seems like I read a lot of messages from the frequent posters along the lines of "she doesn't owe you anything, this is your problem, deal with it".
Well that is legitimate ....I can hear them saying that to... now that you mention it. And there is deal with it type attitude. But in your case you acknowledge all that so I doubt it will happen.


Have you ever considered the possibility you are actually mono? (no insult intended) You just need to find the right girl.
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  #7  
Old 05-04-2012, 08:44 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I am working through wanting to try a serious relationship with SW. He is not interested. It is very painful when someone does not want us in the way we want to be wanted.

Someone on the forum suggested that a 40 days, 40 nights no contact might help shift things back to friendship and help keep that friendship in general. I don't remember who unfortunately. So I am trying that. It's helped in that I am not constantedly reminded he is dating other people. But I don't know how things will feel when we are in regular contact again. Maybe physical or physical distance may help in the short term?

Also, are you sure she loves you less intensely than you love her? She may show love in ways you don't recognize.
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  #8  
Old 05-04-2012, 10:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm sorry you are in so much pain. These statements of yours stood out to me:
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrandonWin View Post
Have you ever been madly, deeply in love with someone, and they say they love you back but it is clear they just aren't as excited to see you or hear from you as you are to see them? Or as much as they are their about their other lovers?

I know that I should accept her statement of love for me at face value, but she hardly communicates with me at all about how she feels, and I have brought it up with her SO many times that I feel guilty as hell bringing it up anymore. I'm hurting bad inside. I walk around thinking about how I wish she loved me all the time, day and night.
I am curious about the fact that you brought up this issue with her SO. How did you broach the topic? Was it like you were complaining or asking her SO for help or support? I am just wondering why you would involve her other partner on this. Are you romantically involved with her SO also?

So, am I correct in understanding that she has said she loves you, but you believe it isn't enough? How are you quantifying love? What is the evidence that supports your idea that she loves you less than you love her, or gets more excited about her other lovers than she is for you? It sounds like a bit of insecurity on your part, or wanting things to be a certain way rather than accepting and being happy with what is.

Regarding the communication issues you have with her, you say she hardly talks about her feelings. Yet she has told you she loves you, correct? Is this just a difference in style of expressing yourselves? Perhaps that is why you feel she doesn't match your feelings for her - you may need a more demonstrative style and she can't do that. When a lover-friend of mine has very different in ways of expressing deeper feelings than I do, it takes some getting used to on my part. Perhaps it is this difference in communication styles that might seem to magnify the ideas you have about how much she loves you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 04:32 AM.
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Old 05-04-2012, 11:38 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Also, are you sure she loves you less intensely than you love her? She may show love in ways you don't recognize.
I was thinking this myself as I read your post. I am not a very "mushy" person, even during NRE I tend to express my infatuation by just wanting to be around someone (and feeling anxious when I am not). It took me a year to tell Dude that I love him (took me 18 mos with MrS, I'm getting faster ). Now that my NRE has (thankfully) worn off I am back to my usual self - which can seem very "matter-of-fact", hyper-rational, and unemotional. It doesn't mean I don't love my loves - it means that I am comfortable and stable enough in our relationships that I can relax and enjoy them without getting myself all worked up (and anxious/unhappy).

Another factor for me - I need about an hour to "transition" when I come home from work (also when I wake up in the morning) - I don't want to talk or hug or cuddle even though I haven't seen them all day. Dude had to learn not to crowd me during these times (MrS clued him in - I didn't recognize the pattern right away) but I know he felt "rejected" when I didn't seem as excited to see him as he was to see me. (Even though in my mind I had just rushed home in a tizzy to be with them sooner...)

This might be one of those "love languages" type situations - if you are looking for "words of affirmation" and "physical affection" and she is giving you "acts of service" and "quality time" - you might be expressing yourselves in ways the other person doesn't respond to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am curious about the fact that you brought up this issue with her SO. How did you broach the topic? Was it like you were complaining or asking her SO for help or support? I am just wondering why you would involve her other partner on this. Are you romantically involved with her SO also?
nycindie - I didn't read that as that he had brought it up with her Significant Other. I think the capitalization was for emphasis...read it as "I have brought it up with her soooooooo many times."

PS. ETA - I agree with the counseling suggestion. It may be that you are finding yourself in a cycle of anxiety because you feel that something you desparately want is slipping away, which make you hyper-aware of anything that re-enforces that in your mind. This may not require medication but a shift in perspective that a good therapist could help you unravel.
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-04-2012 at 11:46 PM.
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  #10  
Old 05-04-2012, 11:47 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi BW,

It sounds like you're experiencing some limerence. This woman you're pining over might be willing to do specific things to help you feel more loved. What is your "love language?" There are five:
  • Words of Affirmation.
  • Quality Time.
  • Receiving Gifts.
  • Acts of Service.
  • Physical Touch.
Most people "feel loved" when receiving one of the above things, but the other four don't give them that "loved" feeling so much. I'm thinking "Words of Affirmation" is your love language (or maybe "Quality Time"). But I could be wrong. Try to think about which *specific* kinds of (words or) actions by your girlfriend make you feel the most loved.

Emotions aren't directly chosen; we can only make choices that affect our "emotional environment." So you can't just "will" yourself to be less obsessed over your girlfriend (nor can you will her to be more obsessed about you), there has to be some kind of thought basis (influenced by one's surroundings) for the emotional change.

You probably need some middle ground, something where she does a little in some area that would help you feel more loved, and something where you had some things to take your mind off it so you weren't thinking about it all the time. What are your hobbies/interests?

Perhaps something as simple as physical exercise might help. Exerting yourself and getting your lungs heaving and your heart pounding may have some cathartic benefits. If you have the time to get out and do some running, push-ups, pull-ups, etc., that might be something to try.

It sounds like a lot of this is centered around your desire to have her talk about how she feels, and she may have trouble expressing herself. Again, you need some middle ground. Ask her if she can make a little more effort to open up, and offer in return that you'll try to understand that communication is difficult for her, and that you'll try to be appreciative of her efforts to do better. Ask her if there's anything that's holding her back that you could help with.

When you do bring it up with her (this lack of communication), how does the conversation usually go? Can you give me an example?

You feel what you feel. You have to accept yourself on that level before you can figure out any change.

Maybe she needs you to set the example. Can you think of any ways to communicate (to her) more of your feelings? Do you have any fears about doing that?

I think you'll get this figured out eventually, but I know it's not easy.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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