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Old 05-07-2012, 07:32 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Tough situation, and I fear that it is all too common.

The fact that you know yourself, and know that a poly/open relationship is not one for you and that you absolutely need monogamy is a very important piece of self-realisation. The fact that you have at least explored the idea and realised that it's not for you is admirable. I wish that more people had such clarity of thought.

Now, the remaining question is whether or not she is poly. The fact that she didn't think about having other relationships until yours hit trouble is an indicator to me that she is possibly not. For me it doesn't come and go, depending on how good my current relationships are. It's there, an intrinsic part of me.

The onus needs to be on her to work out what she wants, in the same way that it appears that you have done. Until she works that out, then things are going to be up on the air. If she decides that she is, indeed, poly and wants to have multiple (good!) relationships, then this is probably the end for you two - and that's a good thing, because otherwise you would just drift through life making each other unhappy. Who wants that?

If (as I suspect) she tends to be the type of person who will look for outside support when things go rough, then she needs to work out whether she wants to really put the work into the relationship that is necessary. This then is less of a poly discussion, but far more of a relationship dynamic in a monogamous sense, in which case, professional help will be best.

I also definitely agree that the worst thing that anyone can do when the core relationship is struggling, is to introduce another person - it doesn't fix anything, and usually makes things worse. In some ways it's similar to those couples who are really struggling and believe that having a baby will help magically mend their marriage.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 05-08-2012, 06:20 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Now, the remaining question is whether or not she is poly. The fact that she didn't think about having other relationships until yours hit trouble is an indicator to me that she is possibly not. For me it doesn't come and go, depending on how good my current relationships are. It's there, an intrinsic part of me.
Just wanted to say, this is something I correlate to my s/o as well, and partly what helped me through a better understanding of his inner self. It was there before we even met, in other relationships he felt that way. And while he refers to us meeting as the best thing that's ever happened, he STILL feels that way.

I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have been concerned if he only felt that way with me.
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:26 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Location: Germany
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Concerning the question of being and knowing that one is polyamorous: Sometimes you just don't have this great insight that you yourself show. Maybe she was never able to name it or she just didn't explore it or whatever. Don't assume that it hasn't been there before things like that happened. I am stressing that point because it has been like that for me. I 'am great with monogamy', if you want to phrase it like that, I had a satisfying relationship with my husband and loved him and he loved me and such, but I fell in love nevertheless. IF this was just a reaction of hers to the rough time she was experiencing in your relationship, the root could be something different from the basic longing for more than one relationship/love.

As far as you described it, was this about more than sex? Did she fall in love with this person or was she just searching for attention and support? Poly is all about the feelings and connection you develop with the people/partners in your life. What did she say she wants exactly? Open in the sense of being free to develop new, lasting relationships or just to have a physical outlet from time to time?

The last point that came to mind while reading about your problem would be the poly/mono issue. I have two monos with me, kind of. The main difference between them and you seem to be the need for the monogamous structure of the relationship. For them the answer to 'Would I be able/willing to live like that?' came naturally when comparing the feelings they had for me to the loss they would feel if I wouldn't be in their life. For both that answer was crystal clear and I can say that after some adjusting and getting used to things, both don't feel that much of a difference in regard to how things have been before(husband)/in other relationships (spouse).

Whatever your answers may be in the end, wishing you luck on your way and success in figuring things out for yourself.

Edit: What I forgot, the cheating part. I have been cheated on as well and for me the same system worked as for my two men. The moment I knew about what has happened (which was immediately after the deed was done) I felt deep inside that I wouldn't want to live without that person by my side. And I saw my fault in it as well. It took time to process things. But for me, things were decided within minutes after the first shock. Maybe you felt something similar and knew right away if there is a future for your relationship or not.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Last edited by Phy; 05-08-2012 at 07:30 AM.
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Old 06-02-2012, 12:53 PM
mobetterblues mobetterblues is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 18
Default update

To all of those who commented previously, thanks. Reading it again now, 1 month down the line is therapeutic.

By way of an update, things have become worse. Things became bad at home, as she had another secret rendevouz with this guy ,and as she had become so secretive again my susicions became aroused, and when ultimately challenged, she admited she'd seen him - although denied any intimacy (which I don't know whether to believe or not).
Since then, things became so bad, that she moved out, moved in with friend and has now moved all her stuff out. At first saying she needs space, but then saying it's over. We are still in touch, and I know she sees this guy. The situation is not good for me, and I am going to get help dealing with it.
She is still however saying that she wants an open relationship, with me as the main partner, that she sees me as a her life partner,just not now. This has made me feel like a toy she puts down when she's found a new toy, and will pick me up when she get's bored of him. I've told her this. She accuses me of being possessive, a typical male, that I'm treating her like a trophy.

Finally, I have put a proposal to her. That if she absolutely has to have him in her life right now, I will agree - but not an open checkbook - it would have to be on terms I would be comfortable. I've suggested 1 date day/night per month with him. to start with, to be reviewed.
I've also said she has to stop seeing him for now, if there is any chance of us having the future she envisages, as this is not good for me. It would be a situation like me, joining them in an open relationship, rather than him being added on as an extra, an occasional lover.
Finally, I don't want the development of a parallel situation, and as such told her I wouldn't be comfortable with constant contact, daily texts emails etc. She told me she just won't communicate with him while I'm there, but I don't think it matters whether I'm there or not. This thing would need to have clear boundaries for me.
Am I being unreasonable? Opinions and judgements all welcome!

I've re-read some earlier posts, and I agree with those who said situations like this are definitely not the right time to add another person, that you focus first on the core relationship. But I don't think she is prepared to wait for him at the moment. The fact that she ended us, in order to get the space she needed (in my opinion to see him) shows that it is almost like a non negotiable term of having her back in my life. I am on the edge of walking away from all this, but before I do, want to get as much feedback as possible from people with similar experiences. And I will get professional help to deal with all this, and deal with the life changing decision I am faced with. Just to add we had an initial assessment for couple therapy last week, so might have a proper session in the diary soon. Thanks for reading.
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