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Old 05-02-2012, 10:33 PM
Krysten Krysten is offline
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Hi, my name is Krysten and I am in a hard situation; I would appreciate any & all constructive advice :-)

I have been happily married to my husband "Peter" for over 3 years. Just about everyone who knows us say we are as close to a perfect couple as you can get & they love being around us because we are always positive, happy & fun. In the last couple years we have been swingers, mainly w/ good friends, & it has been wonderful. I have brought up the idea of polyamory a few different times over those couple of years after I read an article on it. We discussed it & his opnion was he wouldn't want to share me like that. For a long time I thought perhaps I wouldn't be able to share him either, but I have most definatly changed my thoughts on that.
His best friend's wife left him last July & since then "Alan" has spent ALOT of time w/ us, we have all grown very close. There have been 2 occasions of including Alan in our swinging, as a threesome, so there hasn't been like alot of sex w/ us all.
Very recently Alan & I have realized we love each other, that it's gone beyond the best friend love. We text every day about everything under the sun, sex, women, men, life, just everything! I have always been open w/ Peter, asking if it bothered him, just in case, it's his best friend after all. Peter has always said he is comfortable with how things were going. He did have to lay down some boundries for when we went out dancing etc but everything was perfect. Except I knew I loved Alan & I loved Peter too of course, so what do I do??
I had a very difficult conversation with Peter last night, proposing the polyamory lifestyle, explaining I do NOT love him any less (if anything I love him more), it is NOT because he isn't enough, I can't imagine my life with out him... but now I also love Alan & would like to be able to be honest about it, I can't lie to Peter, never have been able to, and I don't want to. I tried explaining this isn't the first time I have formed more then one "love" bond or connection w/ people, but I never knew there was a word for that except SLUT, I always thought I was broken... Now I know I'm not broken & there is a community of people who live like this, with open hearts & honest love.
He is not willing to even explore this idea w/ me - at all. I told him from the beginning I hvae made a vow to him & am committed to him & this wouldn't be MY decisiion but rather OURS... I asked for a little understanding & to at least talk to others that have been in his or our place, maybe understand it better, not nessesarily agree w/ it but at least try & understand me better as a person.. Nope.
So now I'm so scared!!! I love Peter w/ every fiber of my being & don't want to lose him... I want to give my marriage by best shot & see if things work for obvious reasons & all the right reasons, but what if we do get past this & work though it together only for me to love someone else down the road?? I explained it doesn't feel wrong to me to love more then one person, if all parties are aware. But he just can't share me, I am his he says... I can't hold that against him ... but I feel like curling up in a ball right now crying, I feel like I broke the best thing that happened to me because I love another as well & was honest about it...

I need some direction ... Peter truely is an understanding & forgiving man
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:43 AM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Originally Posted by Krysten View Post
I am his he says...
You are NOT his. You are not his, you are not Alan's, you are not ANYONE's. You are YOURS. You choose to share yourself with Peter, but you aren't his. You're yours.

Well, unless there's an M/s aspect to this in which you desire to subserviently be Peter's property. Then he can call you his. But even then, that was YOUR choice, and by your permission, if so. If there isn't an M/s aspect to this, then for your own sake beware of others considering you a possession. It's not kind. No matter how kind and understanding a person can seem or be, a mindset by which you are a possession, unless reached mutually through discussion and given knowingly by yourself, is not a fair or kind mindset to have.

I'm sorry that doesn't touch on the polyamory related questions rattling around in your head; but there are people here better suited to answering those than I.
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:04 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome.

Had a dupe....edited out ...sorry.

Last edited by dingedheart; 05-03-2012 at 01:16 AM.
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:10 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome.

From your history are you saying he's ok with sharing you sexually with the his friend in a dating context?....but not in an emotional, romantic way. Or not at all.

Was he unaware of the text traffic and deepening emotional connection?

I sorta get the not wanting to share mentality ...I don't share cars ...a have a few ...my house(except with my kids) ...clothes ...my neighbor one time wanted to go in on a snowblower...I opted to spend the $900 some odd dollars and let him use it if and when he needed....just thought it wouldn't be worth it. So if I'm a good partner and devote my time and energy to my partner why shouldn't I expect the same? Knowing what he brings to the table
maybe he feels like he doesn't have except less than 100%.

I'd start with the poly book list. Read up...learn all the different arguments and the counter arguments.

Encourage him to read your thread and all the responses.

Check and see if a poly friendly counselor could help get your point across.

Good luck to you both

Last edited by dingedheart; 05-03-2012 at 01:13 AM.
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Old 05-03-2012, 01:16 AM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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Have you discussed with Peter why emotional monogamy is so important to him in your relationship?

On the other hand, unless you're hiding something from Peter that isn't obvious from what you're written, it seems like your situation is pretty good. Maybe words like "poly" are getting in the way of negotiating things with Peter. You could try having a conversation with him about what you want your relationships to be like without using such labels.

What does Alan say about the situation?

Last edited by drtalon; 05-03-2012 at 01:18 AM.
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Old 05-03-2012, 11:14 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hi Krysten and glad you have found your way here! There are good people and good advice around.

Just because he says now that he can never ever share you in any romantic way at all, doesn't mean it shall always be like this. Keep the lines of communication open and focus on building trust and mutuality in your relationship with him. Being in love is an urgent feeling but from what I understand, Alan isn't going anywhere.

Think back on when you started swinging. Was it a situation that you just arrived at in a "I would like to bang our neighbours on the side", "Wow, that sounds awesome, let's do it!" kinda way? There was probably some negotiation involved, certain boundaries that were established that you more likely than not needed to tweak a bit once you became more experienced etc? Are you assuming that because things have gone so "naturally" up until this point that they should proceed in that manner?

I don't suggest you start leaning on him heavily and manipulating him into polyamory. People can change their minds - go from swinging to poly to mono and back again. You've asked a couple of times, and he has said no. Where's the rush?
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Old 05-03-2012, 03:51 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Perhaps after a cooling period pitch this from the point of view of him finding that special romantic person to spend time with ... to share that delicious NRE with ...brain jam, constant texting and sharing, the planning of dates/rendezvous and fun activities with. Sell the fun, excitement, intoxication stay away from the loss and pain. Maybe seeing what he'd pick up (no pun intended) would balance out some of the other stuff. And then once in the same pool he might be able to understand what you've been saying having experienced it himself....happy ending.
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Old 05-03-2012, 05:25 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post

I don't suggest you start leaning on him heavily and manipulating him into polyamory. People can change their minds - go from swinging to poly to mono and back again. You've asked a couple of times, and he has said no. Where's the rush?
Yes, this.
If there's one thing I've learned after my husband and I opened our relationship - it's that things cannot, will not, absolutely CANNOT be rushed.

I'm ok with things now, that I said vehemently 'no' to a year ago. A couple of months ago, even.
Rushing things can make someone feel pressured, suffocated, cornered, and less and less inclined to seriously think about what you are proposing.

I can really relate to your feelings of wanting things right now.. but it will really help the both of you if you have the courage and trust to take things slow.

My husband and I also went from an open relationship / swinging to steady, romantic poly amorous relationships. If you had told me this was going to happen, 2 years ago, I would have said you were completely crazy. Yes, people change their minds.
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Old 05-04-2012, 04:19 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It took me three years to get to a place with my bf where I feel safe to date without damaging what he and I have. He didn't make me, I chose it so we could find a way to work it out. We made huge compromises to be together and were never comfortable. Eventually we got used to it.

For him it was sexual connection that he struggled with, not emotional. Finding emotional connections and not being able to be close without sex was hard. I can imagine the other way around; sexual connections okay, emotional being a struggle. I think I would have to abandon swinging if I were in your shoes. I can't have sex without connection.

It sounds to me like finding the line where being uncomfortable and extreme discomfort lies and creating boundaries and compromises around that is the way to go. This is what worked for us. And then I waited. And waited. I told him every time I felt sad, resentful, in pain over the situation and why and eventually it changed.
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Old 05-07-2012, 07:21 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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So if I understand this right, you started out making marriage vows (i.e. promises) on a monogamous basis - there shall be no other, etc., etc.

Then you both agreed to modify your relationship to be non-monogamous in a sexual sense, but staying monogamous in an emotional sense. If you don't mind me asking, who was the first to come up with this idea?

You asked your husband whether he would be willing for you to be emotionally non-monogamous, and he absolutely said "no" because he couldn't share you.

And now you have fallen in love with someone - you have already had sex with the person as part of the swing thing, so there are intimate bonds there already.

This is a tough one, because the regular boundaries of intimacy are completely different here.

I would try to get into a dialogue about this "sharing" to try to find out what aspects of it bother him. See if you can, together, explore what the "show-stoppers" are.

How much of what you are you other guy have done does he know about? Are there important things (things that HE would regard as important) that you have kept from him about your relationship? If so, then that puts you on some rocky ground, in my opinion.

Since you have spoken about this, have you three continued to be sexual with one another? If so, then it might be a good idea to stop doing that while you get your feelings sorted out - if you are feeling this strong love for him, then I would think that sex with him only strengthens that.

In the end it may well be that he can't get beyond it, and then you have a choice between keeping your wedding vows, or breaking them....

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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