What to expect with poly relationship that none of us sought out

[FigNewtonian]

I'll take Babs over Emma Thompson any day of the week and twice on Sundays — sometimes more than twice...

[FigNewtonian]

Originally Posted by Autumn

I wonder if you see one as being primary ( is that language helpful?)

The "primary/secondary" discussion is one we've had several times.

My long-standing ties are to my wife. Long marriage — most of our adult lives — and a shared child. I have economic responsibilities both to her and the child both now and after the divorce. In respects to "responsibilities" I would say that she's primary.

My strongest romantic and associated ties are to Babs. There is a possibility of marriage and shared space/life with her. In respect to "future" I would say that she's primary.

Wife's view is that Babs is sharing me with her — not the other way around. So in her view, romantically, Babs is and should be primary.

Originally Posted by Autumn

if FN still sexually desires his wife or if that has changed

No changes. I've wanted her as much as I ever have — I just understand what that means and what she wants from that.

Originally Posted by Autumn

(I am assuming some shared feelings from years of being unwanted) has FN revisited any issues of grief and loss seeing things be so different

I struggled with feeling "unwanted" for years — but I've come to a new sense of clarity there. She wanted me in the way that she could. She didn't skimp, hold back — she gave me all that she had. How can you feel deprived when someone gives you everything they are?

Yes, I do get emotional over the idea of divorce. Change is hard. Nobody wants to think they end up a statistic — particularly for something that is beyond their control. We both know it's for the best for each other, for the kid, for our relationship.

Originally Posted by Autumn

what do you plan to tell our son & family, and practical things like Christmas and holidays.

The vast majority of the people will see a standard divorce — we drifted apart has been the boilerplate we've offered. They will see us being very close friends — nothing more. Very, very, very few people know what's really going on.

Holidays are an interesting question. Being a child of divorce I'm accustomed to split holidays and alternating years. The mechanics of that are kind of muddy right now, but we have time.

[Pretzels]

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian

The vast majority of the people will see a standard divorce — we drifted apart has been the boilerplate we've offered. They will see us being very close friends — nothing more. Very, very, very few people know what's really going on.

Holidays are an interesting question. Being a child of divorce I'm accustomed to split holidays and alternating years. The mechanics of that are kind of muddy right now, but we have time.

You know, even if people were paying attention (and they generally don't), very few pay enough attention to catch you out at anything. And, of those, a good number just don't want to know.

As for holidays and other events, don't be too hard on yourself. You're going to make a few missteps here and there - not realize that Easter is a bigger deal in one household than another. Some folks make birthdays into big events while others barely acknowledge them. You'll get a feel for it as you go along.

Eventually, what you're shooting for is a sense of the new normality in your life. It'll take a while of "this is weird" before you settle in to, "This is just my life."

[FigNewtonian]

Originally Posted by Pretzels

You know, even if people were paying attention (and they generally don't), very few pay enough attention to catch you out at anything. And, of those, a good number just don't want to know.

Oh, how I wish this was true. I have a super public job in a small area with super judgey people. My life is lived under a microscope. The whispers when the wife and I publicly separated and announced we were getting a divorce was huge — and when I started dating there were more whispers and pointed fingers. It's settled since then, but this would be a bridge too far.

Originally Posted by Pretzels

As for holidays and other events, don't be too hard on yourself. You're going to make a few missteps here and there - not realize that Easter is a bigger deal in one household than another. Some folks make birthdays into big events while others barely acknowledge them. You'll get a feel for it as you go along.

That's how I figure it will work. A lot of trial and error and stepped on toes. The reality is that there will be a lot of "two holidays" which were already the norm for me with split families on both sides.