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  #81  
Old 05-25-2010, 09:15 PM
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Okay,,,,, alarm bells here! I would not be okay with you being with anyone else just yet. I don't care what hubby and the boyfriend want. I do not want that! end of story. I will have a really hard time with that and it would lead to a lot of questions as to whether I would be okay staying in our relationship. That is too fast for me now and I have no problem pointing out that I need to be respected as the one needing the most support and therefore the one that the pace should be set at..... I'm not even sure that I can even ask for that yet... yup, now I'm nervous. It seems this is all set up to revolve around the three of them without consideration for anyone else... hmmmmm....

Interesting how this all trickles down.
Please don't think that it's my intention now or in the foreseeable future to become involved romantically or sexually with her. It's just one of the many weird thoughts in my head and I was rambling. I would never consider getting involved with anyone else unless everyone who I was involved with was in a place where it was comfortable with them. We are still too new and finding our way for me to add anyone else into the mix.

You can ask whatever you need from me. If it's not something I can give we will talk about it...that's how relationships work. I care way too much about you to do anything deliberately that would hurt you. So please ask for anything that you need from me. One day I'll tell you about all the crazy stuff that was going on in my head when I started dating you!

-Derby
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  #82  
Old 05-26-2010, 04:52 AM
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k, first of all, I would say these things infornt of your husband if he and I were having a discussion. I am answering this as I would any post as it's how I talk and I am not changing anything just because I am your girlfriend.

I realize that your husband might not want to know what I think, but the fact of the matter is you have written this in a post, so I feel it is up for grabs. If there is something that comes up because of that then I will assume he will tell me... so here goes.
Yeah, don't assume he'll tell you...he's not the best at talking to people until he knows them really well. Mostly I just get asked why he doesn't talk. And I have to reply with a "don't get him started he doesn't stop".

Quote:
So I thought I would break this down a bit. You seem to be having trouble expressing all this in times of heightened emotional intensity...so I hope it helps. I'm writing all this as a question in the hopes that I understand what is going on for you. I am hoping you will feel compelled to let us know if this is how you are feeling and perhaps feel like you would like to expand on each point and add others.

you feel you are not being consulted or respected in terms of the speed this is going.
you feel like the delicateness of the situation has not been respected/considered in terms of you.
you are not feeling safe, secure and feel somewhat threatened by the situation.
your insecurity about being a third wheel and not good enough is being triggered and
all of the above is making you feel out of control and that is not comfortable for you

So, does any of this ring true? Or would you change something? add something.....?
Yes I feel out of control. There are a lot of unknowns and I'm a bit of a control freak with my life. I like to know what's going to happen and how I'm going to respond to things ahead of time and in this situation I can't possibly know that. Yes I am insecure, always have been. I've always had a bit of a feeling that I'm not good enough. I do know that this is my own stuff. And it's stuff that I really wish would just go away. I want to feel like I'm fun. Yet again it's something that I have to work on myself. No one else can make me feel fun and like I'm good enough, that has to come from me.

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talk to nerdist about making assumptions and having expectations... he and I have this kind of miscommunication almost daily... it's all a part of it and can be learned from so that you can move on... it sucks, but in my experience, it's all a part of it. It doesn't help that everything else is going on because moving on from it seems to go faster when there is nothing major going on. Which is why working on the other shit is helpful!



Again, it's too fast... you have every right to feel that way and advocate for that. Really, I bearly know your hubby and you bearly know mine and we have known each other a year! It's a different type of knowing when we become a part of someones everyday lives. It's not a casual thing. Metamours have a deeper relationship than just friends. i'm sure your hubby doesn't know her other boyfriend that well either enought to want to be around him everyday.... To me knowing someone enough to be in their everyday lives is being able to talk about the hard shit with each other without feeling like you are going to be judged and told to be dumped... why would you want to invest in her that much before taking time to get to know her and more importantly how she is with hubby and your kids!
I probably know her other boyfriend better than he does. And he's nowhere near being a part of our daily lives! Although he is pleasant enough to be around. You don't get to know someone over night...it takes time. I'm ok with taking that time. I just want the flexibility to be able to say that I need a breather. There aren't many people that I talk about the hard shit with. It's another one of those things that I think makes me look weak and I'm so much about putting on a strong, confident front (which probably doesn't fool anyone).

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none of us feel like that yet... in your whole constilation. I don't know how you are with my hubby and my boy, or my boyfriend and we have hung out a lot. i'm just getting to know that....these things take time.... Why should you just shrug it off and believe that you will think she is the best thing ever because her boyfriends have said so? Why would you want to hang out with her all the time or be okay with hubby being with her all the time. You and your husband don't hang out with me that much even.... in fact the whole time your husband has been home we have barely talked... why? because I respect your primary relationship enough to give you time while he is around... there will be time in the future.
I'd love to have you and your family hang out with us more. Next time he's back he'll be back for a lot longer and there will be that time to hang out and have everyone get to know each other better. Although I'll warn you now that the two of you will butt heads on a whole bunch of topics...but as long as you don't mind the debate it's all good I just might move myself elsewhere if it gets too heated. My husband does love a good debate and I am a poor opponent because I take it all personally lol.

-derby
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Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 05-26-2010 at 04:53 AM. Reason: Tags
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  #83  
Old 05-26-2010, 04:00 PM
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Derby..
You sound like Maca....

I don't have much to add, just a hug. I'm so different that it's hard for me to fully grasp the feelings you are struggling with-but I sure do hear about the same things!

LR
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  #84  
Old 05-26-2010, 04:13 PM
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Derby..
You sound like Maca....

I don't have much to add, just a hug. I'm so different that it's hard for me to fully grasp the feelings you are struggling with-but I sure do hear about the same things!

LR
I'm just a control freak who tends to go to worst case scenarios right away. Usually everything is fine once it starts happening...it's just the unknown that I don't do well with.

Thanks for the hugs.
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Old 05-26-2010, 05:02 PM
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Okay, I'm not getting this at all. Well barely. I understood that there is stuff to work on. Is that happening or is all just shrugged off now? Am I missing something. Cause I experienced emotions that were valid from you derby and now its like, "Meh, its nothing." what changed? I done understand how that can all just go away yet you aren't sleeping every night. See you talking abouth this with your husband? I hope so.
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  #86  
Old 05-26-2010, 07:02 PM
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Yes we are talking about things. And yes things are still issues for me. I don't want to paint him as a bad person and I feel like that's how it's coming across. I'm also a people pleaser. I don't want to think that the emotions I'm having are upsetting to anyone else so it's easier to minimize them for the time being. Not sleeping isn't good. Some of that is because of clock watching though, it gets to be a certain time of night and there doesn't seem to be any reason to go to sleep anymore. So nothing has really changed, I'm just taking a break from dealing with it until I have the energy to devote to it again. Too tired right now. I am sooo taking a nap this afternoon, entertaining comapny be dammed

-Derby
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Old 05-26-2010, 07:39 PM
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Its no ones fault. That would be like saying it was my fault that I feel in love and committed to two men. It just is and just because its hard doesn't mean anyone is to blame (unless someones cheating, haha! just kidding).

Seriously though, not hearing from him is hard for me cause I'm just not used to that, but all I needed to know is that he is listening and you are being supported.

As to it affecting other people that you have feelings? Its that that builds relationships for me. This is making us closer because I get to support you and be the one you come to for a hug. I love that! Yes it affects me. But its so important to me that you need me for support. I would have it no other way.

Ps. I'm pretty sure those reading and commenting are here to support you also. That's what this is about just as much as giving advice and feed back.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-26-2010 at 07:54 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #88  
Old 05-26-2010, 09:32 PM
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Lurking... and here for support too, if it's needed. >hugs<
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  #89  
Old 05-26-2010, 10:49 PM
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  #90  
Old 05-28-2010, 02:22 PM
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I learnt something about myself. It's not the relationship between my husband and his girlfriend that's been bothering me. It's the feeling that there's an expectation that I'll like her. Right away that's thrown up a wall for me. It's almost like I have to be difficult and look for prolems on purpose. I feel a little like I'm backed into a corner and as such the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

Last night they went out together and I was more than happy to do my own thing. I don't mind my own company. But the evening before when she was in my house after having just got to the city (originally I was supposed to be picking her up at the airport and then taking her to her primary's house) I was really uncomfortable. I don't know what's ok to do around her and what isn't. I know that she doesn't like TV. So here I am in my own house and feeling completely out of place and in the way. So the new boundary is that when I'm getting to know her it has to be on neutral territory. If I'm out and my husband and her want to hang out here I'm fine with that, I'm just not big on not knowing what to do with myself in my own house.

I also need to find a way to stop comparing myself to her. It feels a little like when she talks about the way that she approaches things that she is telling me that her way is better. I do know on an intelectual level that it's not what she's saying, now I just have to get my head to talk to my gut about it. So tomorrow night we hang out again somewhere other than home. I have an escape plan if I need one. I'm not going to waste my weekend somewhere that I'm not having fun and I'm also not really interested in runining anyone elses' weekend with my issues.

-Derby
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