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  #41  
Old 04-06-2010, 07:16 PM
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You said at one point that you were the kind of person that looks forward to things. Perhaps making plans for when he comes back that you can look forward to? Plans with him, plans for him and the kids (obviously he should take part int that), plans to spend some much needed time doing your thing.

I think that while its important to let yourself feel what you do, as that is completely valid, its important to remember that he will be spending intense time with her until he leaves and then none at all. In fact, when she moves here she has a boyfriend here to think about and he a family that he needs to think about. This time they have now will be coming to an end shortly and there will be a lot of adjusting I would think for everyone. They are lucky in that they have time to have a sped up version of what a lot of us have to drag out in getting to know each other. Actually I see that as a mixed blessing as there is something to be said for getting to know each other slowly too.

When he gets home and this time is over there will be new things to concern oneself with in that he could become depressed and sad that his intense time with her is over and that he has a responsibility to his family and you.... you likely will be biting at the bit to get out and do stuff while he stays home... not only that but could be eager to spend time with him while he is still adjusting to being home again. He could need to keep his NRE at bay and literally forcing it out of his head. I remember coming home (still do sometimes) to my family after time with Mono... my NRE had to be dampened and I just wanted to run back to him. I would walk into the chaos of our home to find a burnt out daddy and a needy son and would just have to suck it up and deal. It was all an adjustment and all payed off by my doing that. Perspective and long term thoughts are what kept my head from blowing up. I would think he will be experiencing something similar.

This too shall pass I think and in no time at all there will be other things to consider. I know you make huge efforts to go out and see people, spend time with others and make plans for your immediate future. Keep at it and ride the wave, it won't last forever. You are already considering your needs and staying afloat... that will bide you well in the future...that speaking from my own experience with a young child and being stuck at home with him

hugs and kisses, I look forward to the plans we have made thus far btw... not all nights will be lonely ones.
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  #42  
Old 04-06-2010, 07:22 PM
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No sooner than I posted you texted and now we are meeting for lunch! Yay, there we go! Stuff comes up when we least expect too.
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  #43  
Old 04-06-2010, 09:43 PM
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When he gets home and this time is over there will be new things to concern oneself with in that he could become depressed and sad that his intense time with her is over and that he has a responsibility to his family and you.... you likely will be biting at the bit to get out and do stuff while he stays home... not only that but could be eager to spend time with him while he is still adjusting to being home again. He could need to keep his NRE at bay and literally forcing it out of his head. I remember coming home (still do sometimes) to my family after time with Mono... my NRE had to be dampened and I just wanted to run back to him. I would walk into the chaos of our home to find a burnt out daddy and a needy son and would just have to suck it up and deal. It was all an adjustment and all payed off by my doing that. Perspective and long term thoughts are what kept my head from blowing up. I would think he will be experiencing something similar.
This is actually one of the things I worry about. Lets face it the day to day stuff just isn't as fun and neither is the burnt out spouse. And I know a lot of what I'm doing and saying aren't helping that any. There's a part of me that just wants to reconnect so badly but there's another part of me that wants to just do what I want to my schedule to "show him". It's not helpful at all and I do know that. I better stop this thread or he's just not going to want to come home at all!

I'm working on some stuff here though. I set up a google calendar this morning to see how much I really am doing in a more concrete way. I'm also not going to try making plans with my unreliable friend anymore because it hurts every time those plans are changed. I'll still plan group activities with her but no more of this waiting around for her to show up. I'm also missing derby it's been a few weeks since I've been to more than one practice a week (due to circumstances) and I need to move my body more it helps to get rid of some of my anxiety. And I'm putting my energy in tonight and tomorrow night in planning date night .

Improptu lunch was nice today and it made me smile.
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  #44  
Old 04-09-2010, 03:37 PM
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I'm feeling calm and centered and grounded today. I had a fabulous evening last night with RP and I'm looking forward to many more. I'm also looking forward to my husband coming home. It's soon now. He starts back on the road in a week and it will take about 10 days for him to get home. I think the days that he is on the road are going to be hard. I'm not the most patient person in the world. I'm kind of wishing he flew out there now! Ah well he will be home soon.

-Derby
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  #45  
Old 04-09-2010, 04:48 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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The nice settled and calm feeling is a good one. This past week or so I have finally felt centered again. More so than I have since October. Enjoy and congrats on your hubby coming home
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  #46  
Old 04-09-2010, 06:26 PM
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I had a fabulous evening last night with RP and I'm looking forward to many more.
-Derby
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  #47  
Old 04-14-2010, 10:00 PM
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I've made a conscious decision to let go of the past. The root of a lot of what's been bothering me and sending me on this emotional roller coaster are things that happened 15 years ago. There's nothing that me or anyone else can do about the past. 15 years ago we both made the best decisions about how to behave in relation to each other that we could have at the time with what we knew.

It's time to shift my focus. I'm not that 17 year old girl anymore. I have to live in the present and look at everything in my relationship for what it is today. I can't let myself dwell on the fact that my feelings weren't reciprocated right off the bat. There is no doubt in my mind now that my husband loves me and wants to be with me.

It's unfair of me to punish him for being 19 and having (misplaced) loyalty to a friend. He didn't want to be involved with me in any deeper capacity than a friend with benefits because I had dated one of his good friends. I fell in love with him before I had been left by my ex. I didn't peruse anything until after that but when I did I really went after him. He was trying to keep a long standing friendship alive while struggling to figure out how I could fit into the world that he had known for years. He was doing the best he could and I need to stop holding that against him.

What we have now is something very special. He's my best friend. Possibly the only person who really, really knows me. (Although I'm working on allowing myself to be more open). I love that our relationship was built on friendship. We knew each other and liked each other before we even realized that there was any chemistry. I know that we always have that friendship to fall back on and it's the glue that holds us together through everything that we've been through together over the past decade and a half. To be loved for who you are, warts and all, is something that doesn't come along every day. So here I go, living in the now, and making my relationships better in the future. It's a little scary...wish me luck!
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  #48  
Old 04-15-2010, 12:40 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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So: Good luck!

I suppose we need the past in order to know where we stand sometimes. But we don't need the past to rule our emotions, I think. Drop some of the sandbags and go higher.
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  #49  
Old 04-16-2010, 07:51 AM
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I'm getting nervous about him coming home Derby, things have changed since Christmas in so many ways... I hope it will all be good, but I wait in anticipation. I have purposely gone as slow as possible in developing out relationship in order to give some space to you and the situation you are in, and because I think it means for a more successful relationship in the long run. I hope that has helped... It's not the approach that he has taken and it worries me that there is some worry that I judge that... I don't, I get that, for me and Mono it was three days of saying we would go slow and then we had sex and then I was sleeping over within the week... and have had a regular Tuesday ever since... it happened to of worked, but we were lucky.

We have so much to still talk about before he comes home next week. Good thing that we are going on a long hike and having dinner on Saturday...alone... a good 7 hours of getting to know you and sorting some things out that I am concerned about and want to know... all wrapped up in just being together and enjoying that... can't wait, but am nervous at the same time what if you can't stand being together that long or you are a better hiker than me and have to wait up for me or we find it hard to communicate or .... or... oh I am so silly.
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  #50  
Old 04-16-2010, 04:01 PM
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I know that a lot has changed since Christmas and in some ways it has been very sudden but in others it has been very gradual. When I post here it is mostly to get out what's inside me and to work through issues that I have. I find that without that proper face to face contact communication isn't as easy. There have been times over the past couple of months when all I wanted was to be hugged and to have that physical reassurance that everything was going to be ok.

RP I know that you are nervous for me with him coming home. I'm looking forward to our walk and talk tomorrow. As for going slow you're probably right it is better in the long run. Anytime I have just rushed into things it hasn't been what I wanted. I'd rather move from friends into lovers than to try and do it the other way around. I'm not sure if that makes any sense or not.

-Derby
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