Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #91  
Old 07-24-2010, 03:44 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

So things have been all well and good for the past little while. I met my husband's girlfriend in person and she's very nice, although quite different from me. In some ways she's more worldly than I am and in others she seems terribly niaeve.

Anyway at the moment my husband is away sailing again and his girlfriend is back on the other coast for now figuring out what she wants to do with her life. She has another partner out here who I get along with well and consider a friend. Anyway yesterday on facebook I saw that she posted that she had just been out on a date. I'm pretty sure my husband and her didn't talk about it first (being that I'm only getting about one email a week because he's really busy). And I guess that I'm feeling that she's not taking his feelings for her seriously or that what she's chosing to do might affect him. So I'm a bit annoyed and I'm not sure what to do. Do I ask him about what arrangement they have around dating others? Do I send her a message? I'm just not sure. I'm rather protective of the people I love and I tend to go off if I feel that they are being treated poorly. But then again just because this isn't the type of arrangement that would work for me doesn't mean that it doesn't work for them.

-Derby
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #92  
Old 07-24-2010, 04:27 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

I've learned to ask Karma for the specifics before I freak out. Most of the time he hasn't thought of it, or they've only barely discussed it. I told him for my own brain to work I need answers to those exact types of questions. So they sat down and talked. Somethings they just didn't have answers for, but others they did and it put all of us on the same page which was helpful. It kept me from jumping to comclusions and it kept Karma and g/f from future issues.

I had a few times where I was tempted to e-mail her, but I felt it was better to talk with Karma first.
Reply With Quote
  #93  
Old 07-24-2010, 04:30 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Do I ask him about what arrangement they have around dating others?

-Derby
That would be my recommendation. I hope it all pans out well and it really isn't a break down in communication or discussing expectations. I worry about his heart as well as yours, and Redpepper's and Polynerdist's and Rolypolies

"Every new dynamic and occurrence is a pebble in the water" as Redpepper says, the ripples are felt by us all.

Hope you are feeling better.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #94  
Old 07-24-2010, 04:30 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I've learned to ask Karma for the specifics before I freak out. Most of the time he hasn't thought of it, or they've only barely discussed it. I told him for my own brain to work I need answers to those exact types of questions. So they sat down and talked. Somethings they just didn't have answers for, but others they did and it put all of us on the same page which was helpful. It kept me from jumping to comclusions and it kept Karma and g/f from future issues.

I had a few times where I was tempted to e-mail her, but I felt it was better to talk with Karma first.
I think I might hold on to this until he gets home then. At the moment the waiting for the response would probably make me more nuts. This really isn't a huge big deal though, we've worked through worse before. It's just bugging me a bit.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #95  
Old 09-02-2010, 07:47 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

I was just writing on another thread and realized that something this journey has shown me is that my husband without a doubt wants to be with me. He's not in a place anymore that he has to be because he "can't get anyone else/better". One of my fears was that he was going to leave me because I had always felt that he was just settling (from things that he had said when we were first together).

If he had wanted to leave he would have by now. I know that he loves me and values us. I don't know that I could have ever been 100% sure of that without him finding another love who he did connect to and didn't just end up with due to circumstances like he did with me.

In my head I knew that things had shifted for him since the beginning of our relationship where we were basically fuck buddies but I don't think I ever really believed it with my heart until now. What a gift his new love has been to our relationship. I know he'll read this and if he wants to I'd like him to share it with his other love.

-Derby
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #96  
Old 09-03-2010, 07:56 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I was just writing on another thread and realized that something this journey has shown me is that my husband without a doubt wants to be with me. He's not in a place anymore that he has to be because he "can't get anyone else/better". One of my fears was that he was going to leave me because I had always felt that he was just settling (from things that he had said when we were first together).

If he had wanted to leave he would have by now. I know that he loves me and values us. I don't know that I could have ever been 100% sure of that without him finding another love who he did connect to and didn't just end up with due to circumstances like he did with me.

In my head I knew that things had shifted for him since the beginning of our relationship where we were basically fuck buddies but I don't think I ever really believed it with my heart until now. What a gift his new love has been to our relationship. I know he'll read this and if he wants to I'd like him to share it with his other love.

-Derby
WOW, Derby. As I know something of what this means to you and your husband I am so happy for you that you discovered this. It was obvious to me and probably others what you mean to your hubby, but there is no telling someone who doesn't get it themselves. It's just not the same until you feel it yourself...I'm so happy for you that you have.. *hugs*
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #97  
Old 09-03-2010, 01:34 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Congrats Derby ...thats an awesome discovery.
Reply With Quote
  #98  
Old 09-04-2010, 03:42 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I was just writing on another thread and realized that something this journey has shown me is that my husband without a doubt wants to be with me. He's not in a place anymore that he has to be because he "can't get anyone else/better". One of my fears was that he was going to leave me because I had always felt that he was just settling (from things that he had said when we were first together).-Derby
Hey Derby,

What a wonderful story and thank you !


This is the type of story that serves as a perfect illustration of something that's so very difficult to explain to folks either new to polyamory or totally outside and opposed to the concept.

Love is a funny thing and if we don't strangle it, it has a tendency to grow

Regardless of what circumstances bring two (or more) people together, if you face and live life together and try to keep eraqch others best interests in focus bonds grow.
At some point it's almost forgotten what it was all about in the 'beginning' - because it really doesn't matter. Today is here - in front of us !

Thanks again.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #99  
Old 09-07-2010, 03:35 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

In the next couple of weeks my husbands girlfriend is coming back to this coast. So far we've had one really nice day together where we cooked and just hung out in the kitchen. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. I find that someone who attracts the quality of partners that she does must be a good person. (I'm friends with her other partner as well). She's probably not someone who I would become friends with if it wasn't for my husband as we don't have a lot in common. And yet it's still not uncomfortable to hang out with each other.

Once my husband is back from being away for work (whenever that might be, the date keeps getting changed) we get to work out the details of what our lives with our other relationships are going to look like on an ongoing basis. I don't know if I have any expectations in place yet. I just hope that I don't compare my relationship with RP to his relationship with his girlfriend. They are 2 different enteties and aren't going to be equal. I love what I have, both with my husband and with RP and I don't need it to be anything other than what it is.

I do worry that I might end up being the one at home with the kids more often than not, partially because that's what I'm used to doing and partially because my husband's girlfriend has more flexibility in her life and can change plans on a moment's notice. I think one of the things that I'm going to insist on is that if I have plans first then it's not my responsibility to find or be the babysitter if something comes up for him. I do resent always having to find the sitters, even when it's our date night together. When I'm being taken out I want all the plans to be made for me, including organizing care for the children. I like to be told what I need to be wearing and just go from there. Hmmm maybe we need to take turns planning date nights instead of always coming to a desision together.

Speaking of taking turns for date nights I'm going to have to ask RP if it's ok with her if I plan date nights for us sometimes too. I'm still learning what she likes and what she doesn't like. I'm not sure if she likes to be surprised with plans or not or prefers to know what's happening and be in on the plans before hand.

Seems like there's a lot going on in my head tonight. I didn't think that there was. I was planning on this being a pretty short entry and then it got all long. All in all I'm in a really good place though. I'm becoming much more aware of things that bother me quickly and I'm able to talk myself through it and nip it in the bud. I was feeling lonely yesterday, there's been a lot of exciting news from people in my life in the last week and my life is just plugging along the same way it has been for a long time. I think my loneliness is more wishing for something exciting to share than anything else. I just have to be patient...at some point there will be something exciting that I have to share too. On the bright side the realization of why I was feeling a little off helped me to feel a lot better.

-Derby
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #100  
Old 09-12-2010, 04:48 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Last night I went to a local kink event. I was nervous beforehand because I knew a lot of people who were going to be there and I was worried that I was going to learn something about someone that I wasn't going to be able to unknow. As it turns out I was really comfortable there mostly because I knew a lot of people. I got accused of being a wallflower but that's where I was comfortable. Plus I had to watch the drinks, nobody wants a roofie cocktail .

I talked to some friends and met a couple of new people and observed the goings on in the play area. I noticed that some people were really into what they were doing and others seemed to be there just to put on a show and seemed almost distracted from the person who they were with.

Then I went to sleep last night and I think my brain was processing the evening. I had a lot of very strange dreams. Nothing disturbing, just strange. I'm not sure what having goo poured over my head in a dream signifies lol. Like I said...strange. Good thing there was a sign to the poly shower room in my dream too for after the goo incident...didn't make it to the shower though because I woke up.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anticipation, anxiety, emotions, nervous

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:33 AM.