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  #21  
Old 03-20-2010, 02:24 AM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
The crux is whether or not the slowest person is making an effort to work through their challenges as opposed to just putting up roadblocks to sabotage the whole process.
That's what I mean. In theory and in practice, there is no reason to expect the discomfort to subside just because other people slowed down or stopped seeing each other all together. The way forward necessitates discomfort. The question is whether or not the slowest person is willing to feel uncomfortable. I'd go further to say that pacing is not an independent variable. Power over others may be instead when there is a severe lack of self-awareness in the slowest person. The slowest person then is bullying, not negotiating terms.
Some people are habitually 'lazy' in their unwillingness to work at anything that involves discomfort. That would be a red flag: a poor work ethic, or possibly clinical depression (in which case it's likely best not to get involved romantically).
Let's not forget one thing. Extreme jealousy correlates with violence and abuse. Some people/relationships are not ready for poly (too much invested in a relationship or identity based on a relationship that changes seem like the end of the world).

Last edited by thunkybunny; 03-20-2010 at 03:17 AM.
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  #22  
Old 03-20-2010, 02:30 AM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
A good point here Thunky,
I don't know as I'd stretch it so far as to call it "unethical" but definitely "inconsiderate".
It's not atypical behavior but deserves to be called out - in the RIGHT way. Gently but pointedly.
It's easy for everyone when operating in their default "mode", to forget that not everyone is used to operating in whatever the circumstances are. It's like a cultural thing. Not everyone understands or is used to the culture so we need to be aware of that and make special allowances.
For example, because of living in a poly "mode" (culture) for so long, it's perfectly natural for me to throw my arms around a person - even total stranger - give them a hug and a kiss - maybe even a little pat on the butt.
But I've learned the hard way that I have to be aware of the setting and the particular individuals. Not everyone is used to that and can take it as being unacceptably forward.
So this is a lesson it sounds like your GF needs to learn too. A gentle reminder should be sufficient to connect her back to a broader reality If not, it's something you'll need to know about.

GS
Yeah, it's the problem of 'going native'. Consent is still a big one. At least, in this case it was low-risk behavior. Some people are just as "inconsiderate" when it cums to high-risk behaviors. Prolly an opportunity to nip things in the bud before there's a chance for escalation. You two need to have a talk about this. Express yourself, listen to her response, repeat-rinse-etc.

Last edited by thunkybunny; 03-20-2010 at 03:26 AM.
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  #23  
Old 03-22-2010, 07:37 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
That's what I mean. In theory and in practice, there is no reason to expect the discomfort to subside just because other people slowed down or stopped seeing each other all together. The way forward necessitates discomfort. The question is whether or not the slowest person is willing to feel uncomfortable. I'd go further to say that pacing is not an independent variable. Power over others may be instead when there is a severe lack of self-awareness in the slowest person. The slowest person then is bullying, not negotiating terms.
Some people are habitually 'lazy' in their unwillingness to work at anything that involves discomfort. That would be a red flag: a poor work ethic, or possibly clinical depression (in which case it's likely best not to get involved romantically).
Let's not forget one thing. Extreme jealousy correlates with violence and abuse. Some people/relationships are not ready for poly (too much invested in a relationship or identity based on a relationship that changes seem like the end of the world).
I don't know if this is entirely fair to the "slowest person" well... first of all the term "slowest" makes me think that they are perhaps not as bright... which may or may not be true. That places value on their intelligence and I am reticent to do that my self. There is no way to measure that in relationships. I might have a skill in terms of getting on my shit and moving forward quickly but my partners may not. They may have a skill in other areas.

Bullying to me doesn't factor in at all in this scenario. What is you definition of "bullying?" According to, http://www.thefreedictionary.com/bully bullying is a person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people .... To treat in an overbearing or intimidating manner. I don't see how the "slowest" person would be doing that if they legitimately needed time or even if they are just not getting on it. I agree that people can be lazy and then need a kick in the butt to either make some effort or end the situation, but I don't see that as "bullying."

So, are you saying that if someone is clinically depressed then it might be best to not get involved with them romantically? Geesh, that would be a large part of the population you are saying are not worthy of loving because they are depressed.... are you sure that is what you want to say? cause..... I think there might be some complaints about that. I am not clinically depressed so I wouldn't know, but just saying.

Um, okay, I am wondering also if you really meant to say that "Extreme jealousy correlates with violence and abuse" at all times? Cause..... I have felt extreme jealousy and have not been violent or abusive. Are you saying "sometimes" this is the case?

I totally agree that poly isn't for everyone. It is hard work and consuming work. You have to be so into it really and for a lot of people it is just too much of a time consuming, uncomfortable task.... or they just don't get it.... I think that if there is an interest then it is worth trying out and if it becomes too uncomfortable and too much work then it's totally okay to call it quites and chalk it up to experience.

I would hope if that were me that my "trying it out" wasn't held over my head for the rest of my life if I fuck things up. Sometimes that happens and it sucks, but I think it's important when trying poly for the first time, having never been in a poly relationship before, that its and experience and an experiment of sorts in order for feelings to get too hurt. That would be hard to do, because emotions are involved, but it may be worth keeping in mind.
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