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Old 05-02-2012, 05:09 PM
sunnicat sunnicat is offline
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Join Date: May 2012
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Default Beginnings and rules

My husband and I are in an open relationship/poly. He got into a relationship a few years back with a wonderful lady. It became intimate and this is where it became a new thing for me. I had all the feelings of inadequacy, etc but as time went on we became good friends. Now they are separated by distance so the relationship is reduced to phone calls.
Now he has embarked on a new relationship with a woman a few miles from us. A few years have happened between his last relationship and now this so It is coming back at me again with a sense of newness. He has known her for three weeks and slept with her twice--meaning not coming home.
I have told her that we are married with three children and I am not going anywhere.
He has been seeing her like every 3-4 days or so and he has been taking her out on dates, but he never asks me out, I just want to know if I have the right to establish ground rules. I just want this to be fair for everybody.
Do I just need to mind my own business and not worry about anything once he walks out that door and just focus on my life and relationship with him when he is home with me. Sometimes Its like he is home with me but not really, like his mind is elsewhere like wanting to be with her. He talks about her all the time and is not asking me if its okay for him to go out with her he just tells me oh by the way I have plans thursday nite with her.....Its seems like there is no consideration for my feelings......
I was much happier when I had my own relationship going on.
any advice for second time around after so many years of not having to deal with this....
plus she keeps talking about how lonely she is in her little apartment, its almost like she is hinting she wants to be somewhere else. I have young kids and I am not comfortable with having her in my home yet........
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:20 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default I Can See Your Answers.

Glad you posted - it's good to reach out when we're feeling unsure or overwhelmed with our life so that we can get perspective. It shows that you're open to finding a solution and in my books that means that you're already well on the way.

I can see your answers in your own writing, so all I'm going to do is mirror them back. It sounds to me like you're finding the way that he is expressing his NRE (new relationship emotions/energy) for her insensitive, and that you would like him to be more respectful and reserved in the way that he speaks about her to you. It also sounds like you would like to establish more "date nights" for the two of you so that you two share that same level of fun and special time together. I hear you saying that the status quo of just hanging out with each other, but not being engaged with each other doesn't really cut it when you can see him sharing that kind of uninterrupted time with someone else. That seeing that has made you realize that you want that as much as, if not more than he is sharing with his new partner.

I'm not hearing that you're closed off to him seeing someone else. But I am reading your meaning loud and clear; you need him to make more of an effort to create special time with you, and to be less effusive about the way that he feels about her with you. You'd also like to have him check in with you/build a schedule so that you feel involved in the choices of when he's going to spend the night with him.

It's my personal belief that poly works best when everyone feels comfortable, and nobody is being selfish with NRE. I also believe that you do have the right to have your concerns heard and be taken seriously, and to feel safe, respected and loved during your relationship with, or without a secondary partner in the mix.... but ESPECIALLY now that there is a secondary partner in the mix.

Glad to see you on here. Cyber-hugs!
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Old 05-02-2012, 06:47 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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BP's reply got it pretty perfectly. Sit him down, explain things to him as BP laid them out, them come up with a plan together to make this work for both of you.

It may be that you two develop a hard set of rules "Always give me 3 days notice and 1 day to say "no" (if I can explain why that day is a problem) before scheduling any dates, no more than one date per week with her, overnights every two weeks tops, you and I must have one date out of the house per week minimum, etc etc" OR you can create a general set of guidelines "Communicate with me if at all possible before making any firm plans, try to make sure you're spending as least as much time with me and giving me at least as much focused energy as her, each of us will do our best to clearly communicate if we're having any problems as soon as possible, etc etc."

I would recommend leaning towards the latter over the former, but the occasional rule, if he's really having trouble shaking the haze of NRE, might be a good idea.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:10 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Location: Upstate New York, USA
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I think that it is very important early on in a relationship like this to set down some boundaries.

This includes things like allocation of time, and what it takes to change that on a temporary basis. Visiting arrangements - is it ok for her to come over to your place when you are not around? Is it ok for the two of them to have sex in your house, cook a meal, or other activities.

I assume that you have had the "safer sex"/testing discussion - you can search this forum for the concept of "fluid bonding" if you're not already familiar with it.

It is very easy with NRE for someone new to poly to go ga-ga and neglect their existing relationships. The important thing is for you to voice your needs when it comes to things like going out, or any other quality time. You almost need to help him keep his own feet on the ground.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 05-02-2012, 10:26 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Location: Upstate NY
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I agree with what everyone has posted so far. You absolutely have every right to express your wants and needs; but be aware that NRE is very much like a drug and you may need to remind him on occasion to come back to Earth so to speak and focus on you. It may not be easy for him to notice when he is neglecting you, for lack of a better phrase.

In the early days of my relationship with Wendigo, my boyfriend, he and I would only get to see each other once a week or once every other week after everyone had left on game night. We would talk almost daily online, so by the time that we saw each other there was all this pent up energy that was hard to hold back for the 3-4 hours of game and our self control came crashing down as soon as our friends left, which usually resulted in us being all over each other almost immediately. We couldn't go to his house and it was a few months before we had our first alone date, so Runic Wolf was constantly having to drag me back down to Earth and I was constantly having to explain that it was the week or two of not seeing each other that lead to us wanting to be physical as soon as we had the opportunity.
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Old 05-03-2012, 11:23 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by sunnicat View Post
He has known her for three weeks and slept with her twice--meaning not coming home.
I have told her that we are married with three children and I am not going anywhere.
So he met this lady outside of poly circles? I'm curious as to your choice of phrasing - it was you, not him, that brought up that he has duties as well. How did this relationship get started?

Originally Posted by sunnicat View Post
plus she keeps talking about how lonely she is in her little apartment, its almost like she is hinting she wants to be somewhere else. I have young kids and I am not comfortable with having her in my home yet........
Introducing her to the kids after three weeks is not a good idea imho. Possibly she is just referring to how she wants your hubs around more? How involved is your husband with the children? Did you have your own secondary relationship before or after the kids and how did it begin and end?
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:01 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Sounds like he is right into his "nre (try doing a tag search here for that)." It also sounds like she is also. They seem to need a reality check and now would be a good time to give it to them by saying, "okay people, you had three weeks to get to know each other, now its time to set some things straight. I don't want you at my house for a good long while as I don't know you and I don't think its fair to our kids to introduce you to our kids so soon. Every week I would like to get a sitter and have a date and every week I want a night off to myself. I don't see why I should be the one sitting at home. Lastly, scheduled dates please with consideration as to what I have planned. I don't want to be told, I want to be asked." Of course you can say this is a more pleasant way. But this is what I would say. I'm saying it in a cranky way because I have little tolerance for men who treat their women the way your husband is.

You might want to look at some threads on "foundations" and "lessons" too. You can find those by searching the tags also.
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