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  #11  
Old 05-01-2012, 06:29 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by insanity View Post
I had a weird talk yesterday with my boyfriend... he was saying something about compromising about feelings. I don't feel good about that.. I don't want to/can't/not willing to/etc.. to do something to get rid of my feelings to that girl that I fell in love with. I honestly think it is too much to ask.
It makes me feel like a horrible, horrible monster.
There are other things I compromise on, but it seems like he doesn't seem to care..
I don't think it's actually possible to compromise on how much you feel for someone. Like, how would that look, "Ok, I love her but you want me only to like her, so I'll compromise by liking her a whole lot but not loving her." Feelings don't work that way, you can't turn them up and down like a dial, you can only control your actions. If you've already fallen for her but he wants you not to love her, the closest you could come to compromising on that would be to not see her anymore period... but even then, maybe even especially when a connection is cut off abruptly, feelings can linger for years...
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-01-2012 at 08:44 PM. Reason: Damn you autocorrect
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  #12  
Old 05-01-2012, 08:36 PM
insanity insanity is offline
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If I thoght I could forget about her I would, there is no chance. Besides, pretending not loving someone is kind of cheating yourself..and your partner.
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  #13  
Old 05-03-2012, 10:33 AM
strixish strixish is offline
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I honestly don't think that I have technically compromised on anything in the 3 years I've been in poly relationships. But that's not because I'm super assertive-- the opposite. I'm very easy going on things that don't matter to me, and I try to be thoughtful about my partners' feelings on things that do matter. When there's something that really matters, and it matters to the point that I want to go against the preferences of a partner, they've always sort of sat up and listened when I state my case, and let me have what I need.

I can see some areas in the future where compromise is needed (if I move in with two of them, there are a lot of opportunities for our preferences/wants to conflict), but I think it really comes down to telling the difference between wants and needs, and working cooperatively to make sure everyone's needs are met, and that their wants are met as much as possible.

Feelings (acknowledging them, expressing them) tend to go in the needs category for me.
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  #14  
Old 05-06-2012, 03:17 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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For me, the essence of compromise is its temporal nature. Compromises are not for life; at most, they can be "for now". Compromise is something you work out to reach a specific temporary goal. The goal can be increased relationship security, rebuilding trust, having a baby, getting a divorce...

Not really a good compromise: "I will never seek out any new partners although I desperately want to because you cannot handle it."

A good compromise: "I will not seek out any new partners for the two remaining years before our kid goes to school, because you cannot handle the stress of dealing with outside partners and small children at home."
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  #15  
Old 05-06-2012, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by insanity View Post
RedPepper, so you don't have sex with your other partners?
The agreement was that I don't have sexual relationships with anyone that came into my life after him. I had a husband and three other men in my life at that time. The three other men are not with me anymore and I have a gf now that I am sexual with. The bf I didn't have sex with I met at the same time as him and agreed not to go there. He and I broke up this past winter. I think Mono realized that I was really in love with him and that it wasn't just friendship and was willing to move along his compromise into a boundary agreement. We have been together three years now and things have changed. The NRE time is over and we are quite settled. I think that has also made a difference. We have a commitment that can withstand my seeking out other possible sexual partners.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Understanding where YOU draw the line is very, very important.
Agreed. If it doesn't match up with someone elses line then that means a compromise needs to be made until something changes. That can mean that it never works out and one person becomes so uncomfortable that they have to leave in order to get their needs met or there is a shift so that there may be a boundary of some kind.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-06-2012 at 06:32 PM.
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  #16  
Old 05-10-2012, 03:54 PM
Outsider Outsider is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
There are two ways that a possible compromise rears its head - one is at the start of a relationship configuration, when everyone is working out what everyone's respective needs are, and the other are the day-to-day things.

For the first one, instead of repeating it, I'll refer you to a blog post I did a while back on how we did it. Here it is: "Getting Your Priorities Straight"

In terms of the day-to-day stuff, we each made a commitment to try to work to the greater good - and that means being willing to be flexible on things when one person is in exceptional need.

Understanding where YOU draw the line is very, very important.


Im not much of a "techno weenie" ..... But the link you provided didn't load for me. I'd certainly be interested to read it.
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  #17  
Old 05-10-2012, 04:08 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Crap. I'm sorry - I really messed that link up. Try this: http://cieldumatin.livejournal.com/4437.html
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  #18  
Old 05-10-2012, 06:40 PM
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Thanks, I enjoyed it.
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  #19  
Old 05-28-2012, 07:57 AM
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I've been thinking about this a bit and finally am coming to some kind of conclusion. I'll be talking about romantic relationships.

To start with, if a person informs somebody (e.g. a new partner) that they will not compromise on things, ever, it is very likely that they are the most selfish jerk kind there is.

However, I think culturally there is way too much emphasis on compromising. Everybody's heard the relationship-truths that say "compromises are necessary in a relationship" a thousand times. And I don't wholly disagree, as I do think it is likely that there will occasionally be something. But there are two reasons why it is way more rare than is implied by the common understandings.

Firstly, compromises are only needed in decisions which concern both (or all) people involved. Culturally supported view of a relationship is, in my opinion, somewhat co-dependent. At least, I don't think there is enough emphasis on personal boundaries; certainly less than there is on the necessity of compromising. This is why in a couple relationship it is often the case that pretty much everything either one does is viewed as a decision that concern both persons, when actually there is no reason they would be common decisions.

Secondly, if partners are on the same side, there is quite little need for compromising. Compromise, as I understand it, refers to two (or more but two is simplest) people on the opposite sides, both of whom are primarily interested in getting their own way as far as they can; then they come together and, due to not being selfish jerks and having heard that in a relationship compromises are necessary, they calculate the middle point and do that. That is certainly better than one person dominating, and the other sacrificing. But that is the problem: this culturally supported view that either there are compromises or there is dominance.

What I want is not that my partner takes my feelings and wants into consideration and then compromises with me. Even less, of course, I want a partner who doesn't care how I feel or what I want. But, what I want is a partner who thinks my getting what I want is as important as them getting what they want. I am obviously prepared to have the same attitude towards them. Now, this doesn't negate the fact that the both of us are still responsible for our own wants. With proper boundaries both can exist simultaneously.

I don't have time to get into it more right now, and it is quite abstract, but if that doesn't seem understandable, please ask for clarification. Otherwise, I'd like to hear other's views.
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  #20  
Old 05-28-2012, 09:52 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Good thoughts rory.

I think that there are many instances where people don't actually have to compromise just because they have a difference in desires. Another factor that comes into play is how invested someone is in having their desire prevail and whether the joy of seeing their partner happy in getting their desire fulfilled outweighs whatever degree of disappointment they feel.

Some simplified examples.

MrS wants steak for dinner, I want spaghetti. Do we "compromise" and have lasagna which neither of us wants? No - that would be idiotic (yet I see people make "compromises" like this all of the time - "If I can't get what I want then you can't either.") If he REALLY wants steak and I only prefer spaghetti - we have steak. If we have equal desires - maybe we have spaghetti THIS time because LAST time we had steak. OR we could go out to a restaurant that serves both and each get what we want.

Dude wants to have sex twice a day, I want to have sex once a week. Do we "compromise" and decide to have sex four times a week? No - I am not going to agree to have sex that I don't want. I can agree however to open myself up to the possibility of "wanting" more sex by making other changes that might allow that to happen - not planning so many evening activities for example. He can support this by making changes that increase the chance that I will be "in the mood" - taking care of chores before I get home from work so we have more cuddle/quality time. OR he could find himself a "morning girlfriend" and have lots of sex with her .

I don't really see the solutions to the above examples as "compromises" in the sense of looking at what each person wants and calculating where the mathematical "middle point" is. I see it more as making decisions and structuring our lives so that each of us gets the things that are important to us most of the time. Most problems have solutions - sometimes you just have to be a little creative in getting to them. It helps if each person actually knows what they want and can look at underlying factors as to why they are uncomfortable with their partner getting what they want.

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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-28-2012 at 10:03 AM.
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