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Old 06-27-2016, 03:38 AM
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FieryFlames FieryFlames is offline
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So... hello! I'm FieryFlames, and my husband also just joined the forum (PhysicsIsPants). I'm 26 and he's 27, and we've been married since November 2007.

How we met: Truthfully, I thought he was a creeper the first time I met him in chemistry lab during our first semester in college. He didn't really do anything wrong - it's just that three other guys had already tried hitting on me in the first month of college and I assumed he was doing the same. Turns out, he wasn't. He ended up tutoring me in chemistry for a couple months and we ended up liking each other enough to start dating. We just clicked in a profound way. We married in our sophomore year and walked the stage one after the other at graduation.

So, our relationship: Most people figured we wouldn't last long, always saying that the first [x] years of a marriage are the hardest, and we'd see just how hard "real life" could be. Funny how that number was always one or two more years than the number of years we'd been married... no matter how long it had been. *sigh*

Honestly, being married has made life easier. We have someone to depend on, someone we know will be there for unconditional support and love. Our relationship has always been easy, and I get the impression that this bothers some people (particularly, those who made the comments about marriage being hard!). Of course, life hasn't been easy - it's been a mess more often than not - but life's troubles and challenges always drive us closer together rather than apart. Kind of an us-against-the-world approach, like we've always got each other's back no matter what.

We love each other deeply, on many levels. Friends, romantic partners, lovers... it's all there. We talk constantly about everything, like a never-ending conversation, and when we disagree or have issues it's just a continuation of that conversation. We value calm and peace in our relationship but try to maintain it through open communication rather than avoidance of issues. Most of our friends think it's weird, but it's worked very well for us so far. We've had occasional issues where one of us (usually me) drops the ball on communication, but we've always been able to work through it. We are well aware that neither of us intends to hurt the other and, like I said, we turn towards each other in times of stress and crisis. Talking, talking, and more talking. Oh, and lots of cuddling.

Polyamory becomes a consideration: We always thought we were very exclusive in the sense that we have never really had an inclination to open our relationship to anyone else. We seemed to have a very loving, understanding, and forgiving relationship that functioned well... so it never seriously crossed our minds that opening our relationship would be something we'd want to do.

But for the past year we've had a serious ongoing conversation about my sudden drop in libido. We concluded that it's not related to problems in our relationship, but my doctor hasn't been able to offer any suggestions beyond couple's counseling.... which of course is incredibly unhelpful, given that our relationship is strong and I feel safe, loved, and secure in it. There's just not a lot of research into physiological reasons for low libido in women - they assume it's all emotional. How frustrating.

Anyway, my husband and I have a best friend who had become his primary confidant outside of our relationship. He was discussing his sexual frustration with her and she mentioned polyamory as a possible option, though she wasn't sure about my reception to it. Hubby brought it up with me, and after mulling it over I determined that I would be okay with giving that a shot. But two things that came to mind:
  • I wasn't comfortable with starting a relationship with a stranger. It would need to be someone we already knew and trusted.
  • It also needed to be something we were approaching as a long-term relationship, not a temporary fling.
Of course, the logical conclusion to us was to ask our best friend. Keep in mind - the sexual component definitely was a factor, but our friendship had been trending this way already. We were closer than a regular friendship, even that of best friends. We wanted to enter a relationship with her in a way that she was a primary partner - basically, we wanted to open our relationship to her in a way that placed her on an even tier with us.

Our friend had been in a poly triad once before, so we knew the idea wouldn't come as a shock at least. It turns out, she was surprised... because she figured we probably wouldn't be interested and even if we were, we surely wouldn't ask her. She was concerned about things not working out and losing the friendship, something we had also considered. Ultimately, we found it worth the risk and agreed that we'd like to be in a relationship together.

That was a couple of months ago, and we've been navigating a lot of unexpected things along the way. Truthfully, the past month has been particularly rough as she's dealt with some emotional blows at work and from the loss of her dog, all of which resulted in her shutting down so hard that we didn't see her for a few weeks. That's been hard, and we're still in the process of addressing the fallout from that. But that's another story for another thread in a different section!

I'm still in awe that I've discovered I can love two people the way that I do. And it doesn't take anything away from the existing relationship that my husband and I have together. It's just... lovely and great.
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Old 06-27-2016, 03:50 AM
Technicallygold Technicallygold is offline
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Hi!

I replied to your husband's thread too, but I wanted to pop in and see your take on things as well. It makes me happy that you have such a warm, loving relationship with your husband and that you were willing to open your lives up to your friend. I have seen a lot of mixed sexual/asexual relationships, and poly relationships, fail lately and it has been a little hard to remember that successful ones are out there.

Yours sounds very much like the triad that is my ideal. It's a pleasure to know I'm not alone out there. I wish you all the best.
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Old 06-27-2016, 06:47 PM
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Hallo again!

I mostly responded over on your husband's post because it seemed to be a more active conversation at that moment and I knew both of you were seeing it.

I read yours, too.

Thing is...and I'm totally guilty of being a great big projector, I share my own experiences in the hopes that maybe some stuffs I've dealt with might be helpful, and frankly I can speak with more authority on how things have gone, ~for me~ than how things ARE, or how they'll be for anybody else.

So I'm hearing that your libido has been a bit wonky, and I'm looking at this through my own lenses.

My lenses are that I went many years in a marriage where my libido was not so great. I just didn't feel driven to sex. I would enjoy it more or less when it happened, and I got to the point where I wouldn't even turn it down, but I felt no urge to initiate. No particular passion for it.

Now granted, that marriage was a big ol' stinking mess in a whole LOT of areas that I know you and your hubs do NOT have going on. Those bits, I'm leaving out of this as I try to craft my responses to you.

But since my marriage ended and I gained the freedom to explore sex (and kinks that aren't always directly sexual) with other people...OHMYGOD. It's like I was seeing in black and white and now there's color. My whole world has opened up, and I'm at a loss to fully express how happy I am with my sex life in the last year, despite some flailing around and making mistakes here and there, I have discovered SO MUCH about myself.

And I wish that everyone would have those kinds of opportunities.

Before, I really didn't feel like sex was that important in my life. Now...well.

Unfortunately in MY situation, my marriage had to end for me to do the sexploring. If I'd had a husband who (wasn't a crazy jerk, but besides that) was open to the concept of polyamory, I would have been able to discover all of this awesomeness, and bring home techniques and ideas to revive my enthusiasm for sex with any and all partners who were willing to play.

I didn't know about the Hitachi.
I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE HITACHI.
Do you know about the Hitachi??

Dude....I'm just saying. lol
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Old 06-28-2016, 01:25 AM
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Spork - fair enough! I didn't know if you had seen mine or not, which is why I chimed in over there. I did update my reply on his thread, too.

I see where you're coming from. In my case, I doubt that new sexual partners for me will do much for my libido long-term. My doctors have not been receptive to my suggestions that I have a hormonal imbalance or possibly PCOS (my mom and sister both have it) and just kind of shrug about the libido thing. "Sometimes it just happens," they say. I wanted to strangle them. Sometimes things happen... thank you Doctor Obvious! Coincidentally, there's always a reason things happen, which is what I'm asking them to look into. Grrr.

HAHA! Yes, I know about the Hitachi. That's a little too powerful for my preference, but I do have a nice high-end vibrator that I really enjoy (when I'm feeling aroused, at least). Thing is, I haven't really felt like doing anything with myself, either, so the vibrator doesn't even help. I have definitely tried to get myself in the mood by using it, even having him use it on me, and... nothing. :-\

Thanks for replying to us - we're excited to be on this forum and have other people to talk to!
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Last edited by FieryFlames; 06-28-2016 at 01:26 AM. Reason: typo/word choice
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Old 06-28-2016, 03:14 AM
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Welcome FF and PIP. Sounds like y'all are pretty self aware.

Off topic, in regards to what Spork said about the Hitachi though... you know it has a handle, then, like, a neck, and a head? I always wondered about that shape. Thought there could be issues. And then I started dating a woman who had one, used it on me, and sure enough, just as I'd feared, my labia got pinched at the base of the head. Plus, it has a cord that of course became too short or caught around a body part when we moved around changing positions like you do. My Lelo is just as powerful as the Hitachi (I like a good strong vibration), and it's smooth and cordless and rechargeable.
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Old 06-28-2016, 03:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Off topic, in regards to what Spork said about the Hitachi though...
...My Lelo is just as powerful as the Hitachi (I like a good strong vibration), and it's smooth and cordless and rechargeable.
I think I remember reading an Oh Joy Sex Toy! comic about the Lelo in comparison to the Hitachi! That pinching from the Hitachi sounds painful.
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Old 06-28-2016, 05:33 PM
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I have experienced a LITTLE bit of the pinch thing, but I have been able to adjust myself before it was a big deal.

But...also...uh...masochist over here.

The Hitachi could never pinch, pull, or ouch me like my Sadist does. Mmmkay I'm probably wandering into TMI-land over here. SORRY! lol

My only relevant point was that new lovers can bring new excitement, new techniques, new...well...just...new. And that energy and happiness can spill over into your primary relationship, sometimes.

Oh, and doctors...man... OK so mine denied that Depo Provera can even cause personality changes. Oh my god, bro do you even internet? Much frustration.

It's not so much that "these things just happen" as it is you have doctors who don't seem to see why it's really important. I see you live in the South. I don't know if you are rural, but you might be dealing with people who barely even comprehend that women have any particular business or right enjoying sex at all. Ugh, LAME. Yes, it's a complicated mystery to solve. There can be any of a broad array of potential causes. And there are any number of a broad array of potential solutions.

I hope that whether it takes internet research and experimentation, or finding a new doctor...I sincerely hope that you find an improvement in this, in the future. Hopefully the NEAR future. Also, while I think it was more my birth control meds and my bad relationship, I was about your age when I was firmly in the "I don't think I even need or want sex" mentality. Things did start changing for me in my mid-30's. I am not saying "wait ten years for your drive to come back"....but I am saying don't give up. Maybe even if doctors can't figure it out, it will resolve itself in time for you.

Best wishes!! And welcome!!
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Old 06-28-2016, 11:57 PM
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Greetings FieryFlames,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I have been following your other thread with PIP. Sorry your doctors aren't helping you with the libido issue. Is a sex therapist something you would consider? It might help.

Whatever you do, I'll try to be a support, and I know others will too.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

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Old 06-29-2016, 12:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I have been following your other thread with PIP. Sorry your doctors aren't helping you with the libido issue. Is a sex therapist something you would consider? It might help.

Whatever you do, I'll try to be a support, and I know others will too.
Hi Kevin - I guess I would be willing to consider it; however, the way my asexuality intersects with my libido makes it very hard to convey to most people how the typical "solutions" don't make sense for me. I also have some anxiety issues that make it very hard for me to seek out doctors and other professionals, much less discuss something with them that is often misunderstood and incorrectly explained back to me. I don't feel like I'm being heard, which just increases my anxiety about everything since it takes a lot of effort for me to speak up in the first place.

I know I'd probably have better luck with a sex therapist in terms of being heard; however, I really think this might be a physiological issue (I'm thinking PCOS), and a sex therapist won't have the resources to help with that. On the other hand, it's clear that medical professionals don't seem interested in taking me seriously about my concerns and, even if they did, there is very little research into physiological causes for decreased libido in women. From the research I've done, if there's a hormone imbalance or PCOS, they usually recommend hormonal birth control... which is what I feel messed things up in the first place. Plus the side effects were very hard on PIP and myself. I was a beast. I was always irritable and combative on top of having no libido... not a good combination. I'm not willing to do that again.

So, basically, I feel like I don't have any real options that would be helpful. I know I won't really know that until I try them, but I'm exhausted with trying to figure out the cause and just getting dismissed by the people who are supposed to be able to help. In particular, I need to find a new gynecologist (my last one seriously pissed me off and made me super uncomfortable with her, haven't been back in over a year) and maybe they can help address my issues... but I'm afraid I'll just get more of the same, "Sorry, nothing I can do. *shrug*"

In any case, I'm finding that everyone here so far is supportive and pleasant and I sincerely appreciate your care. Thanks so much, and I look forward to speaking with everyone more!
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Last edited by FieryFlames; 06-29-2016 at 12:20 AM.
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Old 06-29-2016, 12:27 AM
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Don't give up, you'll get to the bottom of things eventually.
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