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Old 04-24-2012, 04:05 PM
xcharmedx xcharmedx is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8
Default Not sexually attracted to my poly boyfriend??

OK, as the title suggests, I am having a bit of a Days of Our Lives moment.

I have posted on this forum once before as I was new to polyamory and not sure how to handle my first r.ship being polyamorous. when I first met my now ex boyfriend he had a girlfriend, and told me he was poly and explained what it was to me.. I was really intrigued by his personality and by how much we had in common, so I obliged to go out on a date with him.

We fell in love and dated for a while whilst he was still with her, and I even befriended her and tried my hardest not to get jealous. Eventually (even though he was a sweetheart in every respect) the thought of knowing he was with her and the extreme jealousy got to me, and I met another guy who offered me monogamy. Except this new guy wasn't very nice and he was a bit controlling, so I dumped him and went back to the boyfriend. This happened over and over, each time I would get more involved with the 'new boy'. As my boyfriend was poly he had no problem with me being with the other person, so long as me being with them did not impede or infringe on our relationship.

I met him just over a year ago now, and he is no longer with the other girl. They broke it off for their own reasons. Still, eventually I got so jealous I started to get controlling and got really offended and touchy when he mentioned anything about another girl being pretty or anything. One time I met another 'new guy' and thought I fell in love with him. I told the boyfriend that I wasn't sexually attracted to him and that I don't love him. Perhaps this was a result of my insecurities, but many stressful weeks later I came crawling back to the boyfriend. Whilst I was free to do what I wanted (as we were poly), I wasn't being loving and threatened to leave him for the new guy. So he cheated on me and I found out months later, he said he would normally have been honest (being poly) but he did it because he felt unloved by me and didn't tell me because he was scared of my reaction, and held it in. I broke up with him when I found out and we are only just healing now.

The problem is that I don't know why I keep straying. The truth is he adores me and was very hurt by my actions. I forgave him for cheating on me because I understood the circumstances under which he did it. He is perfect in every other sphere, always there for me and says he wants to marry me and will respect my every wish and says he will not do anything that makes me uncomfortable. He says that if we want to heal we need to fix the way I made him feel, and we need to fix my lack of sexual attraction. I'm not sure what came first - the chicken or the egg? Is it my lack of sexual attraction that's causing me to stray or is it the polyamory and my jealousy that put me off him sexually?

He is so perfect and amazing and I want it to work, I know how much he adores me. But when we have sex I don't feel excited like I have felt with other guys.

I'm really sorry for the length of this post, just thought I'd share my thoughts with you all. There's so much more to this, but not enough time.

Thanks so much for reading and for any thoughts.
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Old 04-24-2012, 05:45 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,487

Welcome back, ...

I don't think anyone here could answer those questions.

With your jealousy issues why put yourself through this. Maybe you need to feel and be "the one and only" ...nothing wrong with that. And perhaps the scars left by the continual back and forth ...on and off ...one of 2 or 3 has killed that attraction....it happens.

In your heart of heart do you want and need to be in multiple relationships? Start there and work outward.
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Old 04-24-2012, 07:45 PM
LotusesandRoses's Avatar
LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 110

I think you're either sexually attracted to someone or not, and anything else is merely an attempt to obfuscate or avoid the real issue. You can be attracted, but incompatible, sexually speaking. Long term sexual relationships are a lot of work. www.sexuality.org is a great informational website regarding that. However, only you know the real issue.

People just adoring us doesn't work as the foundation of a relationship. Before anyone can issue reasonable advice, did you used to be sexually attracted to him? Why were you attracted to him? When did it change, and what were the circumstances?
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Old 04-24-2012, 11:14 PM
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DevotedGeek DevotedGeek is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Santa Monica, CA
Posts: 22

First, I'd try figuring out why you're feeling jealous. IMHO jealousy stems from one's needs not being met. Are there certain needs that aren't being fulfilled within the relationship, such as time together, attention, etc. Check out the Five Love Languages survey... are your particular love needs being met, or is he expressing his love is a different way? If you can talk this over with him, identify unmet needs, and figure out how to fulfill them within a polyamorous context, that might help resolve the jealousy.

One need could be not hearing about how pretty he thinks other girls are, or perhaps not hearing about it in certain settings, such as when you're on a date together. Look deep inside and be completely honest with yourself. Don't be swayed by the fact that he loves and adores you. You need to understand clearly what your needs are.

You may even determine that you ultimately need an exclusive relationship. That's perfectly ok, and if it's true, then it's best for both of you to recognize it as early as possible. That happened to me last year... I had a poly girlfriend that realized (a year into our relationship) that she needed an exclusive relationship. Therefore, we stopped being romantically involved but still love each other and will always be best friends. I didn't take it personally but instead was happy for her.

As far as sexual attraction, that's a trickier subject. It could be affected by jealousy / unmet needs, multiple breakups, hurt feelings, competing emotional attachments (mono style), personalities, basic chemistry, ... I have no idea. I like LotusesandRoses's questions about when your feelings started to change. That might help you get to the bottom of it.
Me: 45 y/o straight male geek, Wife: hinge geek, Metamour: also a geek ;-)
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