Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-24-2012, 02:41 AM
gvchuck gvchuck is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
Default In first poly dating experience, not sure how to reach

My partner and I (MM) met a guy a few weeks ago for friendship. There was never any intention of anything past friendship but the 2nd time we met up with him, we went to the bar, got back to our place, talked and watched a movie. Next thing I know, we are kissing and having oral sex. He spent the night, and we got to know each other more the next morning. We hung out with him more times that next week and my partner and I started developing strong feelings for him. We have gone out and done things together, talked, cooked, etc. Then a week ago, our friend/boyfriend, let's name him Dave, had to go out of town for the weekend and I learned he came out to his grandma through my partner, which upset me a bit as I felt something that big should have been shared with both of us not just my partner. My partner and I talked and came to the conclusion that my partner and Dave had been talking for a couple of weeks before we even met and so Dave had more trust in him. I calmed down quite a bit. Also, to add, Dave has a 6 month job assignment about 4 hours from us and he'll be leaving in the next few days now.

Then, he comes back on Sunday and as we finished watching a movie at the theater, Dave and I ride together to the restaurant. He tells me that he has to take a bunch of stuff to where he'll be living for the next 6 months and that he's thinking about doing it tuesday. Didn't think much of it. We went to restaurant and had a great time with him and a couple of friends of ours. As we originally drove with our friends, we say bye to Dave and start heading home. I tell my partner that Dave is going Tuesday to where he'll work and my partner replies with yeah, I know. He invited me to go Wed and thursday with him, (My partner doesn't work Thursdays) and my partner told him he can't take half a day off on Wednesday to go with him. When I hear this my heart sank and I've never felt as bad I don't think. My view was that we're exploring getting into a Triad and that something as big as him inviting only him to go with him and to spend the night no less, well it just made me feel like crap because i felt as though I wasn't considered for the trip even though I'm the on with the most flexible schedule. I talked to my partner that night for an hour about how i felt and felt so horrible that I was on the verge of crying.

Next morning, Dave sends me a text that he's sorry he made me feel like the third wheel. That he never intended to fall for my partner so quickly. That him and I have a great bond and for him is taking more time to develop into love. That he's trying his best but it's not easy and that he doesn't want me to feel bad again. That what my partner and I have is so special and he doesn't want to ruin anything and for me to tell him to back off if I feel it's too much. I talk through it with my best friend and she tells me that even in 1 on 1 relationships that the same amount of love isn't always mutual. I calm down and think that he's known my partner longer and that he just needs time. I'm fine for the rest of the week.

Fast forward this weekend, which we spent together, and we went out to the bar, which Dave didn't pay any attention to me but did a bit with my partner and some other guy. We go home and I just sat in the couch for a few mins upset beyond upset because I feel like I've opened myself to this situation but I'm not loved/liked by Dave as much as he loves/likes my partner. I see them interact and they show emotions towards each other. When Dave and I interact, it's always me starting with cuddling, kissing, etc. With my partner, he instigates. When I see that I feel like Dave is in love with my partner and I'm just the extra that unfortunately has to tag along. My partner tells me to consider ending the relationship with Dave but I'm so in love with him, I just can't.

On Sunday, I try instigating sex with Dave and nothing happens. He leaves an hour later saying he has to pack for his move. I then get a text from him saying that he's sorry about morning sex but that he gets very emotionally attached afterwards and seeing that he's leaving in a couple of days, he doesn't want to make himself hurt even more. He then says, "My feelings for you are strange in a way that i can't describe them. But I know it is good, it's weird." I tell him at least it's good, and he says, "With time it gets better like a red wine." Which I think OK, so no love for me but hopefully he'll fall for me, great! I decide not to push and we turn over to fun conversation.

We text back and forth all day Sunday, and Sunday night, I tell him that I'm going up with my partner to the city he has a conference at and that I'm going to hang out with a friend, to which he replies, "Very cool. Well be safe. I don't' want some guy getting into you pants." That made me feel like he actually cares about me in his jealousy. We text back and forth all day today and we're meeting up with him tomorrow morning for coffee as he lives in the morning. My partner shows me what he told him via text and it's all about how he can't wait to kiss him and see him etc. Meanwhile, I begin to get the anger in me at that time because I don't get any messages like that.

I'm in love with Dave and my partner, how do I deal with Dave not giving me the same amount of love as he shows to my partner? My fear is that I'll be the, "i'll do you because you come with the package but I'm not interested in you," man. Dave leaves tomorrow for 6 months and we're planning on visiting him in early June, so I'm hoping that with time, I'll learn how to handle this and hopefully he'll fall for me as well.. but I'm just so confused. Help?
Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 03:28 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Not to diminish how you're feeling but...it's only been a few weeks.

Unless you all sat down and agreed to a triad, you should not automatically assume that you the three of you were going to build a triad. Even if you and MM had wanted a triad or discussed only being in triads, Dave doesn't have any obligation to participate. If you're not prepared to end up in a place where you'll be OK if just Dave and MM are involved, you should address this now.

What does MM say about all this? Do you have agreements about this, and have you talked about how Dave is inviting MM places and you're not involved? What does he say? If you are feeling angry because Dave isn't treating you like he is treating MM, then it sounds like you have a lot of workd to do on yourself. You can't force people's feelings to be a certain way, and the only issue I see here is if Dave is pretending that he is going to feel the same about you and MM when that isn't something somebody can force. If you actually think Dave is lying to spare your feelings, then I'd suggest neither of you date him, poly doesn't work when people aren't truthful.

On the bright side since Dave is leaving for 6 months, you have plenty of time to talk about it.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 06:37 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

This sort of thing happens often I'm afraid. Often it happens that two people in a triad fall for each other and the third is left out of that. Really the only thing to do is to find a way to move on and allow in your heart a bit of happiness for them and wish them well (compersion). Its really hard, but that's really all that can be done. I would do everything I can to work on being a really great metamour in what looks to me like a "vee" situation.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:55 AM.