What do you do when You change?

[merry]

I want to thank everyone for their comments... With these suggestions and things to think about, I was finally able to bring all of this up, and a couple days later we talked about it with our therapist. It was a hard discussion, especially at first, but the therapist helped translate it so my husband and his girlfriend could understand it objectively. I think it helped a lot.

It's still an ongoing thing, but at least we understand each other more, and that helps each of us not to take things personally or spend all our emotional energy trying to make someone else feel better.

Thank you!

[StitchwitchD]

Our situation is in some ways similar, but I'm the other woman who moved in. When it started being obvious that she was having some issues about his relationship with me, I offered to take a break. That was 9 months ago. I still live with them, we work together well as a household, and everyone is used to me being here. She's dealing with health problems, and there's financial stress, and teenager drama, so the thing with me and him isn't exactly top priority. I try to understand that, and I am dating someone else....but it gets frustrating.
I try to understand how she feels, but sometimes I feel like she doesn't care how I feel.

We do talk, and she has expressed that she gets very uncomfortable when it seems like I'm more intimate with him than she is- which I understand, but I wish that she'd ask for more of whatever kind of intimacy she wants instead of wanting me to have less. I figure that people only get worried about how much of something other people are getting when supplies are limited, but when it's an all-you-can-eat buffet, no one cares what or how much anyone else is eating. So, I think that there must be something she wants/needs that she's not getting or not getting enough of, and if she was, she would be less worried about what I'm getting.
In some ways, we are very different people, and we have very different relationships with him, and I think if we all tried, we could work something out where everyone's needs would be met and no one would feel deprived. The times when it's a choice between us, like he can spend time with her or with me, I fully support him choosing her- because he doesn't spend enough time with her. There's so many days when due to health problems, she barely gets out of bed, so he and I end up dealing with kids/dishes/laundry/cooking/etc together, so I get the quantity time and she gets the quality time. Then there's personal preferences/habits- she likes quiet, he and I like having the TV on all the time, and we have heavily overlapping tastes. So, it's not like she wants to watch the new episode of Supernatural with him, but it seems to bother her that we have things like that that we do together. I wish they'd do more things together! I remember how they used to be when they were first dating, and I wish they'd get back on that track, but it's not like me avoiding any kind of intimacy with him makes her have more.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by StitchwitchD

she has expressed that she gets very uncomfortable when it seems like I'm more intimate with him than she is- which I understand, but I wish that she'd ask for more of whatever kind of intimacy she wants instead of wanting me to have less. I figure that people only get worried about how much of something other people are getting when supplies are limited, but when it's an all-you-can-eat buffet, no one cares what or how much anyone else is eating. So, I think that there must be something she wants/needs that she's not getting or not getting enough of, and if she was, she would be less worried about what I'm getting.

So, it's not like she wants to watch the new episode of Supernatural with him, but it seems to bother her that we have things like that that we do together. I wish they'd do more things together! I remember how they used to be when they were first dating, and I wish they'd get back on that track, but it's not like me avoiding any kind of intimacy with him makes her have more.

These are all excellent points. It's so important for people to take responsibility for having their own needs met, rather than putting the onus on their family and friends and partner[s]. It always reminds me of the time my mother-in-law actually came out and said "well if I'm going to be miserable, why should anyone else be happy?" ... That attitude can really bring down the people around you if they let it. We didn't let it, we just spent as little time in her company as socially/ethically required. Because *everyone* should be happy and if they're not, they should get happy. Making others miserable will not get you happy, in fact it will make you more miserable because they'll try to avoid you...

[RickPlus]

The other posters have given some wise advise. I would just like to add, that if you open your heart to this other woman, it may one day be a life saver for you to have another person who loves you.

I wish you every kindness and hope your health improves.

Warm regards, Rick.

[anon4now]

I hate even thinking it – but right now, this poly relationship just feels like an added stress. I don’t think either of them really seem to grasp how out of sorts I am, though I’ve tried to say it.

Show them this post. It is very thoughtful and clear to me what your needs are in all of this. Just make sure you are open to their needs as well within reason.

This is part of the dynamics of Poly relationships I will have to understand better myself before I bring Poly up with my wife. I don't know how I would handle this either since it is essentially a divorce.

I hope your body heals and your soul can find peace with where you are right now. Someone else also mentioned the possibilty of opening yourself back up to her and allowing her to be there for you as your husband is emotionally and supportive in this rough time.

You are not a bad person at all. You are going through a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. I think your needs are very appropriate and clear.