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  #1  
Old 03-23-2010, 02:32 AM
cerulian cerulian is offline
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Default How do I deal?

I'm feeling very uncertain right now. My partner and I have been discussing/attempting an open relationship for about 9 months now. (Been together about 16.)

I've just seen her get more frequently and more intensely sad as this process has gone on. She was the one that has wanted this change in our relationship, but I haven't been able to adjust well. I wish this was easier for me.

I still feel very insecure about us. I'm afraid that she'll find somebody else. Somebody that's ready to be fully supportive of this way of life right now.

I've felt unfairly treated throughout the process: pressured, coerced, deceived, neglected. I've taken this feeling and turned it into stubbornness, as if me having to deal with those issues makes me owed something. Like if I have to let her be with other people, then I should get a free pass on the rest of our relationship issues. This isn't a conscious thing, I just notice it's been happening.

I've also become very guarded with my feelings, as if feeling less for her will lessen any hurt when she's off with somebody else. As if needing or wanting her less will lessen what I feel when she's with somebody else. Or if I'm less fully committed with my feelings, it will hurt less if she leaves me.

Help, how do I deal?
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  #2  
Old 03-23-2010, 03:05 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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You talk...a lot. There's really no other way around it. Talk about why you feel the way you do and try to figure out a way to give some constructive ways in which she can address the issues that you're having. Also talk to her about when things are changing for you. If you don't keep your partner(s) updated about how you feel how are they to know?

-Derby
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  #3  
Old 03-23-2010, 10:26 AM
korindino korindino is offline
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Derby hit the nail on the head. All I want to say is that it's good that you're at least aware of your feelings and actions. Makes it a lot easier to change them. Communicate with your girlfriend. Figure out what you both need moving forward. This will make you feel better, and hopefully will help you change these relationship-destructive behaviors.
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Old 03-24-2010, 03:32 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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I have to agree. Communication is the key. Always was, always will be. You two have to sit and talk. Make a promise to each other not to get mad. No matter how mad you FEEL, don't get mad at each other. You have to be able to express your feelings to each other. If you don't tell HER that you are insecure, then she won't know.....and will continue to go forward. This will only serve to make you even MORE insecure, and eventually, you will split up. It is inevitable.

Through good communication, you will be able to squelch those feelings out.

My wife and I are at times brutaly honest with each other. I know that she likes to sleep with her boyfriend at the time. The reality about it is that I am HAPPY she is having a good time with him. Does this mean that she DOESN'T have a good time with me? Nope...Just that she is enjoying her time with him.

Now, Liz and I have certain boundries that we may not cross with our boyfriends or girlfriends. One of those things is kissing. We have historically reserved kissing on the lips for eachother. However, that was then...This is now. We are just now realizing that we are more poly, than we are "swingers". So now, we have developed a relationship with another couple. Well, with this advent, we are discussing the kissing thing. It is not easy to have the conversation. And sometimes, one or both of us shut down and want to leave the conversation. But we sit and stick it out. We still haven't hammered out all the details, but we make progress daily.

Now, not only do you need to communicate with HER, but also the boyfriend or girlfriend who is involved. This way, everyone is on the same page, and no-one's feelings are left out.

Remember, this is about LOVING EVERYONE in the group....Not one person giving up something, and not one person TAKING something. This is about communication and love. The more of each, the better.

Hoping you feel better soon....
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  #5  
Old 03-25-2010, 05:29 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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You seem to be focused completely on the possibility that she'll get another partner and that you'll feel left out or abandoned.

My father is a total pessimist. My Mom would suggest we do something, and Dad would come up with all the things that could go wrong. If we went to the zoo, it might be too hot out, there might be crowds, we might not find a parking spot and have to walk a long ways, it might rain, we might run into traffic, and she'd point out that there was a new baby gorilla, or that it was the day for free rides on the merry-go-round. So, we'd go, he'd grumble, and at the end of the day, he'd have at least somewhat enjoyed himself, and very few of his dire predictions came true- or if they did, it was still better than just staying home and doing nothing.

So, try to be an optimist. What if you met someone wonderful and hit it off, and she got along well with your partner, and they planned together to get you something really awesome for your birthday? What if your partner found someone else, and you got to be good friends with him?
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Old 03-25-2010, 06:29 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cerulian View Post
I've felt unfairly treated throughout the process: pressured, coerced, deceived, neglected. I've taken this feeling and turned it into stubbornness, as if me having to deal with those issues makes me owed something. Like if I have to let her be with other people, then I should get a free pass on the rest of our relationship issues. This isn't a conscious thing, I just notice it's been happening.

I've also become very guarded with my feelings, as if feeling less for her will lessen any hurt when she's off with somebody else. As if needing or wanting her less will lessen what I feel when she's with somebody else. Or if I'm less fully committed with my feelings, it will hurt less if she leaves me.
Wow cerulian, good for you for noticing the trends you have in yourself. Now that you have noticed you can do something about it and see what happens if you try something different next time.... you may be surprised at the results.

If you decided to empathize with her struggle instead of feeling pressured, coerced, deceived, and neglected for instance. Perhaps looking at it in terms of questions to ask yourself and her... such as why do I feel pressured? Then think of what the answer might be and check with her if she feels that way and agrees with you.

The thing with asking questions is that if you have it wrong, people are quick to give you the right answer of what is going on for them. People love to tell others that they are wrong and tell them why. It's a useful tool when we are able to give up our ego and be wrong every now and then

Ask yourself also what you gain from being guarded and what you gain from being open and making yourself vulnerable. Chances are that you gain a more deep and meaningful relationship with her and yourself if you open up and be vulnerable to her and yourself. More than you ever thought possible. Sure it may not last, but even if it doesn't there is a chance that you will learn something, rather than coming to the end of your relationship (which is inevitable if you are guarded in my opinion) and will have learned nothing and worse yet, will say "I told you so" and be bitter in your naivety as you made no effort... this could spiral into years of shallow relationships where you always feel guarded.

Okay, this is my opinion obviously, but I hope it gives you some food for thought.
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  #7  
Old 03-25-2010, 01:58 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post

What if your partner found someone else, and you got to be good friends with him?
Exactly! This happened to my wife and I. Her first boyfriend (after we got married) was my best friend! We did EVERYTHING together. He helped me pull more engines in different cars than I can remember. He also helped me to put them back in when we fixed them! LOL
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