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Old 04-21-2012, 03:49 AM
thepolymom thepolymom is offline
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Default Overcoming the hiding

I've been reading posts here and did an introduction so I though it was about time to put my problem out there and hope for some help.

My husband has always been poly. He did mono for me with the hopes someday I would come around to his thinking. Well he got his wish and then some. I met someone else and started a sexual relationship with this guy. I didn't tell hubby for about a week, I was scared because I hadn't told him I was attracted to this other guy. Well when I came clean hubby was happy and told me to have fun. Then one day the other guy said he'd like to keep having a relationship with me beyond sex. I laughed and told hubby. Hubby said I need to talk to him first. So I introduced them and they got along. I went away on a business trip with bf (other guy) and got pregnant. Hubby is fixed so there is no one else it could be. Get home hubby and I fight but he forgives me again. We are on shaky ground but happy. At this time a friend of ours starts spending time at our place. No big deal she is pregnant and this is her first time. Hubby has been it through it a few times so she stays with us. Her husband is on a trip for awhile so we take her in. She and he play the same video game and I don't feel like I have to. So I see the benefit of him having a girlfriend. I notice little things but don't think anything of it. Let me add that we were doing an open relationship thing before we did the poly thing so, the rule was tell if you were attracted to someone else. Didn't have to tell if there was sex. When we decided to do the poly thing I told hubby I need to know or else it's not a good poly relationship. Let me add he asked me if something happened between him and someone else did I want to know. I said yes. She goes home to take care of some stuff and I ask him if something happened. He made me promise not to her husband. I got upset about that. How dare he ask me before he tell me. I said fine the he confessed that yes they did have sex. Ok I can forgive him for waiting to tell me but he didn't wait to tell me. I had to ask. Well ok we are poly and I tell him he hurt me but I will let him continue. Big mistake on my part I was not feeling to safe from before. He didn't tell me every time the had sex which is ok I don't want to know every time, unless I ask. I ask him and he made it seem like it happened one other time. I was ok with this but I found out more and I didn't like what I heard and I told him to end things with her. He did but we still hang with her & her husband. Her husband still doesn't know.
Add more to it bf was cybering with her behind my back as well. Flipped out and told them no more at all.. They both agreed. I must mention the bf had been cybering with someone else that I didn't know about and he keep both of them a secret from me. I found them when I was fixing his computer.
Now for my question... How do I get over this hurt from both of them? How do I start to trust them again? They are not doing anything at all at this time. They think my pregnancy is effecting my mind, hormones and all that. I am going to pop this one out soon. So I need help to be able to get over this and make my men happy since they do everything they can to make me happy. Any help would be great. If you need me to clarify anything just ask I will answer. I want this behind me and it's not going away.
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Old 04-21-2012, 05:16 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Well, I would not be happy with anyone close to me cheating. It would be a deal breaker. My actions are only controlled by me though, not by others and you can't control them as a result. Their actions are only controlled by them. You can't tell them to stop. No one can. You can say you will not stay with him if he continues cheating because its against you values though. Then he can decide to either fess up and attempt to be above board, or end it with her. It puts the choice back on him then. Right where it should be.

In the mean time, start looking for alternative plans for your life. Taking action like that sets a firm message that you mean business. Besides, you might have to if he is not willing to make the changes he needs to. In time I would think your respect for him will be so low there would be no reason to stay together. Might as well plan for that day now, just in case.
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Old 04-21-2012, 05:24 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Too many lies and hidden stuff going on for me to call this responsible non-monogamy, sorry (that's basically my definition of what poly is).

The hiding and the lies have to stop for this to work in a way that isn't going to be laden with extreme drama.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:31 PM
thepolymom thepolymom is offline
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I already told them both no more hiding stuff. If I find anything else they are hiding it's over. I don't care they can pack their stuff and get out. They both understand I am not joking and I don't like being lied to. By hiding stuff they are doing a form of lying. I will not accept being lied to in any form. I try very hard to always be open and honest with them. So we are going to sit down and talk things through about what we want and come to some sort of understanding.
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Old 04-22-2012, 02:03 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I really, REALLY think you all need a discussion on boundaries. It absolutely blows my mind that you are giving ultimatums at this point. How long is acceptable to be having sex with someone else BEFORE telling your partner? You had sex for a week before telling hubby but he's in trouble for not telling you before you asked. Is he supposed to be psychic and know when you are about to ask?

Did you ever have a discussion on fluid bonding? Safe sex? Whether it's acceptable to have a child with someone else? This of course, BEFORE you got knocked up by someone else. It seems to me you are all flying by the seat of your pants. Once a boundary is crossed you discuss it and 'forgive' the other. (I am disturbed by how you glossed over the whole 'hubby was upset I got pregnant but forgave me' thing.)

Now that he has done something that crosses YOUR boundaries you are giving ultimatums and asking advice on how to stop it. NRE is strong, I get it, but step back and take a look at the situation. No one here is the bad guy. This really sounds to me like one of those, "Things done to me are worse then things I do to other people." I would think that fluid bonding, no discussions of safe sex and 'guess what honey I got pregnant with another man's child! Surprise!' are bigger issues then you asking about stuff before being told.

I'd suggest you ALL take a major break and discuss boundaries. This includes your bf and father of your child. Having a kid is going to change all of your lives and the dynamic of every relationship. Worrying over him and her 'hiding things' when no clear boundaries are set for what is and isn't supposed to happen is like punishing someone for hidden rules. You need to put this stuff out there and not just dismiss the stuff that has happened because you have been 'forgiven'.
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Old 04-22-2012, 02:42 PM
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Perhaps you could all sit down, acknowledge past mistakes all around, and ask for a fresh start with a clean slate for everyone with total honesty from that point forward.
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:01 PM
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DevotedGeek DevotedGeek is offline
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I must confess, I had a hard time figuring out who did what when to whom... too many plot twists, hidden relationships, and changing rules. It sounds like one big tangle.

I suggest WWMD in a situation like this ("What Would Microsoft Do")... reboot your relationship, or reinstall it. In other words, scrap all that stuff that happened in the past and figure out how you want to operate on a go-forward basis. Put it on paper, make an actual poly agreement. It should state the obvious, just in cast it's not, e.g. when to communicate a potential new relationship, do partners have veto rights, is it ok to have sex without an emotional relationship (ie swinging), an emotional relationship with or without sex (ie poly), what kind of relationships are ok (pairs/dyads, V/N/W/A... A relationships are sexy! ), safe sex vs fluid bonding, having and raising kids, etc. Get it all out there up front, then stick to it.

If the two of you keep to your poly agreement on a go-forward, then I'd forgive the whole mess in your past due to temporary insanity, confusion, and under-communication. But if the two of you can't stick to a clear agreement on paper, then you have a serious problem, it's cheating and needs to be addressed as such.

For inspiration on what to put in a poly agreement, read "What Does Polyamory Look Like" by Mim Chapman. It's available for only $8 in eBook format (or paperback for a few bucks more).
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