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Old 04-21-2012, 11:32 AM
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Default Wants a Poly Family

Having been poly for the better part of a year, I am realizing some long term goals of mine. I want to work toward having a poly family, a multi-adult household. I mean, what is the future goal for most relationships that are deeply loving? I would think cohabitation would be a common thread, but maybe that is my social conditioning speaking. Either way, having my partners living with me really appeals to me. I would love for us all to live together and raise children together.

The issue is that I brought this up hypothetically to my husband last week and he thought it sounded reasonable. But when I talked about it last night he had no remembrance of that other talk and is pretty much against the whole idea. There are a lot of factors to consider on our side, like that he doesn't have one partner yet since becoming open to poly. I don't need to push this issue a ton, because it is still crazy early to consider it, but I guess I just want to know that it is a future possibility for my relationships.

Do any of you cohabitate with your poly partners and your primary together? Does anyone have children with both partners? (That sounds messy but I feel it would be a great bonding for the poly family. And I bet it happens)
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:19 PM
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Our poly family plans on moving in together as soon as possible, limited only by a couple logistics. In the meantime, we spend as much time together as possible and already raise our children together. We consider each other as co-primaries/equals in the relationship. And I'd love to have children with a second partner someday. That type of arrangement works great for us, better than living apart.
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Old 04-21-2012, 04:47 PM
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The terminology doesn't jibe with my definitions, I'm afraid.

For quite a few poly folks, a primary is a person with whom you live, and share day-to-day life decisions and raising a family (if that is your choice to do). So by them living with you, there are, by definition, primaries.

Having a legal document selecting one as a spouse doesn't have to change any of those facts.

I know quite a few triads that are in this sort of arrangement that are working very well, and I know they don't rank themselves as "primaries" and "other poly partners", and I don't think they would live together on that basis. Both of them are "V" relationships.
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Old 04-21-2012, 05:49 PM
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Agreeing with CDM. Primary/secondary status' in terms of upholding one particular relationship within many relationships sounds more like a cult than a poly dynamic to me. No one is better than another and no relationship is better than another to me.

I live with my husband, boyfriend and my child. We have done for about 18 months now. I don't consider my husband primary, other than we share finances and child rearing decisions. My boyfriend helps us raise our boy and is his guardian if something should happen to us. The balance of responsibility and commitment is even between all of us.

I wonder if your partner is struggling because he doesn't want to give up his primary role? Or maybe he just was half listening that day? Or maybe he just didn't get what you were suggesting?

It sounds like you have a long way to go before moving into a poly household dynamic. I have been poly for 17 years and when I married my husband it was with this goal we are fulfilling now in mind. That was 11 years ago. It took a long time, many relationships and experiences, much communication, adjusting, counseling, blah, blah, blah.... It was no small feat. You've mentioned this idea once, he forgot about it and now you mention it again you are frustrated? I think if I were you I would take a deep breath, give him a smile and start again. There is a world of stuff to get through before living with partners I would think.... enjoy the journey and don't worry about the destination. No one knows where the journey will bring you, so I wouldn't invest too much and just be pleasantly surprised and happy when you get there.
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Old 04-21-2012, 07:06 PM
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If I were you, I would set that discussion with your hubs on a back burner for a while. In another thread, you said your husband is very focused right now with a new business venture and you were feeling like seeing your bf twice a week wasn't often enough. I wonder how much of this desire to live together is connected to some impatience on your part or a need for more attention from your husband and lover.

Wait until you two have lived with your poly situation for at least a year, at the very minimum. Your husband is trying to get a business off the ground in a very tough economy - the last thing he probably wants to hear is that he should consider trying a new living situation and all the drama that that might bring up.


BTW, I don't think the idea of a big poly family or tribe cohabiting is a very common dream among polys, but it is out there. I think there are a few different demographics of poly people -- some do want the big house for their poly tribe to live in and share parenting, some are into living alone (solo poly) like I am, but probably most poly people (just my guess) prefer to keep a dyad arrangement and have outside relationships with peeps who live elsewhere. Just my take on it, from what I see. But that could have to do with age, background, and where these folks live.
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Old 04-21-2012, 07:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't think the idea of a big poly family or tribe cohabiting is a very common dream among polys, but it is out there. I think there are a few different demographics of poly people -- some do want the big house for their poly tribe to live in and share parenting, some are into living alone (solo poly) like I am, but probably most poly people (just my guess) prefer to keep a dyad arrangement and have outside relationships with peeps who live elsewhere.
Chalk me up as one of those that loves the "one big happy family" type of arrangement. I'm open to independent dyad relationships as well (in fact, I'm hoping to start one soon!), but in my heart of hearts, I love the intimacy of a shared, group household.

Ultimately though, whatever kind of relationships you and your husband choose to pursue, both of you need to feel comfortable it. And it doesn't sound like he's comfortable (yet) with the idea of one big poly household. It's reasonable to tell him that you like the idea, but I wouldn't move forward until/unless both of you are 100% certain that's what you want. It's a big step, and it's hard enough for two people to move in with each other for the first time, let alone three (or more) people, with varying levels of history together, romantic and emotional attachment, etc.
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DevotedGeek View Post
Chalk me up as one of those that loves the "one big happy family" type of arrangement. I'm open to independent dyad relationships as well (in fact, I'm hoping to start one soon!), but in my heart of hearts, I love the intimacy of a shared, group household.
Me too! I used to live in an old victorian with 6 other women. That was a rooming situation, but I loved the bigness of it. How much better it would have been with lovers! and one of my fondest memories is from when I was living with two roommates, and my boyfriend had stayed over, and I'm pretty sure there were one or two more in the morning ~ we had a giant breakfast with all of us. I love a big happy family thing going on.
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:19 AM
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Some people want that, some don't, and it's so dependent anyway on the various personalities meshing. Although romantic to me originally, I realized all the drawbacks. I only have a child free standpoint of course, I know there are benefits when raising children.

Right now, I wouldn't mind living with my husband and another male partner (some hypothetical I-havent-met-yet one), but I wouldn't want to live with a female partner because they might want to have a say in the running of the house...they might want to paint the bathroom pink or buy kitchen towels with ugly fruit on it, or serve tofu on Wednesdays!

My husband also pointed out that if we even just had another guy live with us, that'd be two people instead of one who would be inviting partners and friends over, wanting to have BBQs, game nights, dinner parties - that means more activity and scheduling, and I'm an introvert who needs a good amount of time that's mellow and quiet in my house.

The more I thought about it the more I realized how complicated it gets sharing a household with more than two adults. Let's say I wanted to live with my boyfriend, that means if he is married his wife comes along and his other girlfriend stays over a night or two a week. If he's not then what happens if he wants to get married, do they stay or move elsewhere? If he stays because we enjoy seeing each other everyday, then his wife's partners will be around, and maybe she wants one of them to move in with us...maybe his wife gets uncomfortable seeing how close we are on a daily basis because she's the wife now and I'm "just the girlfriend" so it causes stress in the household...so on and so forth..I mean figuring out where to draw that line if it's not a poly-fidelity situation is not so easy.

Now I might like to live on the same block as somebody I dated, but the problem with multi partner cohabitation is that unless everybody is really happy about it and actively wants it, it's likely to cause problems for somebody, and I think the older people get, the less tolerant they can become of living with people who are not really compatible.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 04-23-2012 at 05:26 AM.
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Old 04-23-2012, 09:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
I want to work toward having a poly family, a multi-adult household. I mean, what is the future goal for most relationships that are deeply loving? I would think cohabitation would be a common thread, but maybe that is my social conditioning speaking.
I can only speak for myself, but if my husband and I (we've lived together for about 17 years) for some reason or other would stop living together, I don' t think I'd ever move in with someone again. And a household with more than 2 adults sounds horrific to me
My husband is the only person I've ever met who understands my need for alone time. So many people take this personally where as for me, it's an almost physical need. (It is, btw, the reason I'm childfree).

So my ideal is to have very loving and committed relationships besides the one I have with my husband, but us all living together, is more of a nightmare that dream to me!
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Old 04-24-2012, 04:26 AM
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As I've gotten older, I've discovered I need more alone time, too. I would like some kind of large house, with lots of common space, but where everyone can have their own private retreat room too. And I'm all for child-free. I am not an introvert, but I am highly sensitive (which is a fairly fine line to walk). Too much alone time and I'm crazy; too much people time and I'm fried. I tend to err on the side of more alone.

and, in my fantasy, everyone shares and everyone helps. I have yet to find that reality.
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