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  #31  
Old 04-30-2012, 04:41 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
Sure, but I'd rather not if it can be avoided.
Of course.
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  #32  
Old 04-30-2012, 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
If this situation is instructive to you, at least some good will have come out of it. What a fucking mess.

My partner thinks I just need to find someone else to date so that I am actually getting something out of this. I guess all I can do is give it a shot.
People aren't things you can just dispose of whenever you feel like it. Getting up one day and deciding to date a random so he can feel better about everything isn't going to help you or him or your relationship with him.
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  #33  
Old 04-30-2012, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
I don't know how to say about my feelings about the relationship. It's hard to separate the relationship from the poly issues. Before things really opened up, I was feeling good but not great. There were a couple minor issues I had raised, and my partner had begun to address.

But since the poly issue became central, our relationship has been perpetually on the rocks. We have been forced to get a lot better at communicating and resolving conflicts, which is promising.

When it comes to the issue of not feeling loved/reassured -- I'm just not sure how much that has to do with the poly/jealousy issues. It was a problem in earlier stages of the relationship, so when I was grasping for explanations for the extreme jealousy I was feeling, it was the best thing I could come up with. The more I think about it, though, the less it seems to be a true statement, and the less I really think it relates to the poly problems.

I might be wrong. I really have no idea. I have never been more confused about my own thoughts and feelings than I am right now.
It sounds like the relationship was less than perfect to begin with, and then he decides to date more people. That's not going to make it better. I have to wonder what he's thinking.

Honestly, if the relationship isn't sweeping you off your feet, then forget about the poly issues... are you sure he's really right for you, even if he were mono? Is he really being supportive of your feelings? You've only been with him a year. This is your "honeymoon" period, when everything is amazing, over the top happy, NRE, etc. If you're having these kind of issues and concerns now, and going through a roller coaster of break ups vs. lets have a kid, IMHO that's a serious red flag. Just think what the relationship might be like five years from now.

I'm sorry. I have being negative about new relationships. I'm just sensing a pattern. Wanting to have a kid together, wanting to date other people, and wanting you to date other people. These feel like quick fixes to a relationship that's not fully worked out yet. Again, red flags.

So I guess my advise would be to step back and take an objective look at the relationship. Is it meeting your needs, or is it an emotional roller coaster? Most importantly, is it healthy? Do you want to stay in it because you're happy, or because you don't want to have wasted the past 12 months? And is this a relationship you'd like to be long-term/lifelong, or do you really want something different?
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  #34  
Old 04-30-2012, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
People aren't things you can just dispose of whenever you feel like it. Getting up one day and deciding to date a random so he can feel better about everything isn't going to help you or him or your relationship with him.
Or the random person. "I'm so flattered you're interested in me! May I ask what made you ask me out?" "Actually I'm not really feeling ready to date anyone but my boyfriend pushed me into it so that he can feel better about dating other people and you seemed nice enough." "Oh... er... ok..."

I strongly agree that finding someone to date because someone else thinks it's best, rather than because it's what you want right now, is a bad idea.

You and he need to fix the issues between you and he, not use other people to try to fill the gaps and make things easier.
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  #35  
Old 04-30-2012, 02:39 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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I don't want to get defensive, but I feel like there are some conclusions being jumped to here that I would like to address.

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Originally Posted by DevotedGeek View Post
It sounds like the relationship was less than perfect to begin with, and then he decides to date more people. That's not going to make it better. I have to wonder what he's thinking.
I mean, every relationship is less than perfect if both people are honest with themselves, no? I would say I was about 90% happy with it before the poly issue became such a quagmire. He was thinking that he wanted to date someone because we had agreed to be poly from day 1 of the relationship, not to "fix" anything -- he didn't think anything was broken.

Quote:
Honestly, if the relationship isn't sweeping you off your feet, then forget about the poly issues... are you sure he's really right for you, even if he were mono? Is he really being supportive of your feelings? You've only been with him a year. This is your "honeymoon" period, when everything is amazing, over the top happy, NRE, etc. If you're having these kind of issues and concerns now, and going through a roller coaster of break ups vs. lets have a kid, IMHO that's a serious red flag. Just think what the relationship might be like five years from now.

I'm sorry. I have being negative about new relationships. I'm just sensing a pattern. Wanting to have a kid together, wanting to date other people, and wanting you to date other people. These feel like quick fixes to a relationship that's not fully worked out yet. Again, red flags.

So I guess my advise would be to step back and take an objective look at the relationship. Is it meeting your needs, or is it an emotional roller coaster? Most importantly, is it healthy? Do you want to stay in it because you're happy, or because you don't want to have wasted the past 12 months? And is this a relationship you'd like to be long-term/lifelong, or do you really want something different?
I guess it is inevitable that the relationship sounds hopeless based on what I have posted here. Really, the rest of the relationship is good, it's just that the poly issue is driving a huge wedge between us. We communicate well, have similar goals and values, spend quality time together, are very sexually compatible, and generally really enjoy each other. My partner enriches my life and makes me the best possible version of myself. The problem is that I agreed to be poly (as something that I genuinely believed I wanted, independent from my partner's wants) from the outset, and then when we did it I totally fell apart.
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  #36  
Old 04-30-2012, 02:42 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Or the random person. "I'm so flattered you're interested in me! May I ask what made you ask me out?" "Actually I'm not really feeling ready to date anyone but my boyfriend pushed me into it so that he can feel better about dating other people and you seemed nice enough." "Oh... er... ok..."

I strongly agree that finding someone to date because someone else thinks it's best, rather than because it's what you want right now, is a bad idea.

You and he need to fix the issues between you and he, not use other people to try to fill the gaps and make things easier.
OK, I understand your point, but give me some credit here. I would not date the first person who came along just to appease my partner. His thinking was that if poly is something am enduring on his behalf, of course I don't feel good about it, but if I can find someone else I'm excited about dating, it will be much easier for me to feel good about it. I am not saying I am necessarily going to do it, but I don't think it's terrible logic.
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  #37  
Old 04-30-2012, 04:36 PM
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
OK, I understand your point, but give me some credit here. I would not date the first person who came along just to appease my partner. His thinking was that if poly is something am enduring on his behalf, of course I don't feel good about it, but if I can find someone else I'm excited about dating, it will be much easier for me to feel good about it. I am not saying I am necessarily going to do it, but I don't think it's terrible logic.
Sorry, that did come out harsher than intended. I meant it not so much as "This is what you'd probably do" and more as "Be very careful not to end up in this position."

You said above that you didn't think you'd be interested in dating for another year or so. If you're looking at doing so much sooner than that, and the reason for that change is not a natural shift in your feelings but rather your bf's suggestion that it's a way to help keep the relationship together, well, I see that as a form of pressure and rushing that could lead you, completely unintentionally, into starting a connection with someone for the wrong reasons. Like, I'm sure you'd only date someone who was cool and compatible and not just pick some schlub... but that just might make it worse when you had to tell the person "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work out, I knew deep down I wasn't ready to be dating and it turns out I was right." That might well not happen, but I think it's worth being wary of. Does that make sense?
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  #38  
Old 04-30-2012, 06:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
I don't want to get defensive, but I feel like there are some conclusions being jumped to here that I would like to address.[...] Really, the rest of the relationship is good, it's just that the poly issue is driving a huge wedge between us.

We communicate well, have similar goals and values, spend quality time together, are very sexually compatible, and generally really enjoy each other. My partner enriches my life and makes me the best possible version of myself. The problem is that I agreed to be poly (as something that I genuinely believed I wanted, independent from my partner's wants) from the outset, and then when we did it I totally fell apart.
I apologize... hopefully I wasn't being overly negative. I'm glad that the relationship itself (barring the issue of mono vs. poly) is positive and healthy. It's important to have that as a solid foundation in any relationship, and especially before exploring polyamory.
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  #39  
Old 04-30-2012, 08:02 PM
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Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
... His thinking was that if poly is something am enduring on his behalf...
Do you think poly is something you are enduring for him?

I'm not endorsing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" as a solution, but I can see how people in your situation turn to that option. Would it be easier for you to handle your emotions about your relationship with him and his many relationships if you didn't hear about his other relationships?
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  #40  
Old 04-30-2012, 08:25 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
Do you think poly is something you are enduring for him?

I'm not endorsing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" as a solution, but I can see how people in your situation turn to that option. Would it be easier for you to handle your emotions about your relationship with him and his many relationships if you didn't hear about his other relationships?
I think of being poly as something that I really value and would like to be able to successfully execute (and something I thought I was capable of at one point). But at the moment, yes, it feels more like something I have to just endure if I want to be in this relationship.

I think DADT would make me crazy. If anything, the only way I can see this working for me is if we had someone we were dating together, so I didn't feel completely left out/left behind/unwanted/thrown aside/ignored.

Of course it works for some people. I appreciate the suggestion.
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