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Old 04-22-2012, 01:44 PM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 14
Default Problems in the bedroom

Well its been over a week since Blu, Bent and I all played together. And then we found out that he had a girlfriend after Blue and him went on a date. Blu and I went out on Friday on a date and had fun, but we have been having problems of a more intimate nature.

Blu still wants Bent, but knowing that he has a gf and is not willing to tell her has stopped her from wanting to continue. And yet, she does want to continue but she won't. Meanwhile, I am crazy about her more than ever and have been showing her attention that I haven't in years-but she is a bit resentful about that-that it took Bent coming on the scene to bring that abou.t.

We are managing to get out more as well, going dancing and generally having a night life again after a long lull after our daughter was born and the years following. We are being nicer to each other and not sniping as much at each other. We are communicating more openly and watching scars heal.

In the bedroom, however, we are having problems. She wants to be with Bent and not with me. At the same time, she knows that Bent is unavailable. So our lovemaking is not what it was. She ends up dissatisfied, I end up dissatisfied, we are both having problems. The absence of Bent has created a serious rift in that sense. We were supposed to meet with him on Friday to play but because of gf situation, Blu wanted to only go out with me.

I really don't know what to do. It seems we are at a dead end here. Most of the time the relationship is good, we are talking. But the sex aspect is difficult. It seems like she doesn't want me that way anymore. and she's unsure how to proceed now that the option she anticipated is not on anymore.

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Old 04-22-2012, 06:08 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,515

In 1 week ....you got a problem? I'd give this a month then see if its still a problem.

Is play code for BDSM ...or just sex?

Why not stop sex for a while let her sort out her preference. Why bang your head against the wall go get your own new partner....perhaps her attitude will change when she not the focus.... she might just want to step up her game similar to what happen to you.
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Old 04-22-2012, 09:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Going out to find other partners does not fix problems within your relationship. Fix that first and get it healthy. You two are really focused on sex. When you are on stable ground, maybe look into swinging. But only if your relationship is in a good, loving, strong, emotionally and sexually healthy place can having additional partners work well.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 04-23-2012, 03:51 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284

Sounds like she resents the sex to me. Katie was like that. Be more into her as a person and worry less about the sex. It's hard if you're anything like me but pressuring her wont help. Look into the book "the love dare". It really helps.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:39 PM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 14
Default Hmm how funny

Looking back at the posts I made not long ago...Much of the drama has faded. Once Bent left the picture, the emotions settled quite a bit and we are left with the whirlwind that NRE left in its wake and the fact that it was cut short and the results of that as well.

Blu said a week ago that maybe she wouldnt want to stay in the marriage. I respect any decision she makes. We both agreed that sex right now just isn't working and hasn't been for some months. Things have actually become simpler since we stopped. We have been discussing things more.

What I think the thing with Bent exposed to her was a sense of non-attachment to me. We broke down the exclusivity and she all of a sudden feels very alone. I had had this sense of non-attachment since the beginning of our relationship-so didn't go through the same thing. I have to say that her very brief relationship with Bent (not sure if you can go as far to call it a relationship-fling I guess) made me more appreciative of her and made me feel more attached to her. Its too bad that it took her fling to bring out those feelings in me. I told her that perhaps I have taken her for granted over the years.

In short we have a lot of things to sort through and have started doing that. I am worried, though, that things will fade into the background. I am finding it hard to find the balance between talking about things and judging when talking about things becomes excessive and a nuisance. Im talking from my perspective, because I don't usually get annoyed about talking about stuff but Blu does. I am afraid to bring up Bent because if she has processed through it, why would I remind her about it. And yet, I have things that I need to sort through too. So its a weird balance.

I agree with people here who have said that we have to work through our primary relationship before we take on other lovers. Blu has said its hard for her to see the future now, and in the past days I have found that she is more insecure now that Bent has left the picture. I think she has problems seeing that other guys want to be with her...or an inability to see how to get together with potential lovers.

Anyways, things seemed to have stabilized. Its a strange lull. Will let you know how it works out.
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Old 05-01-2012, 11:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

" Meanwhile, I am crazy about her more than ever and have been showing her attention that I haven't in years-but she is a bit resentful about that-that it took Bent coming on the scene to bring that about."

One way to think about this is that any new element in your sex life has the potential to rev things up and help you rediscover each other -- trying new things, kink, toys, attending a sex workshop together, going on a vacation for the purpose of erotic exploration OR a new lover.

I'm sorry things are rough right now and I wish you guys luck! On thr question of how much time to devote to processing, maybe you could set aside an hour or so over coffee each weekend just to talking and reserve non-emergency issues for that time slot if possible? Or there's always couple's counseling, which is basically the same idea but with an experienced and impartial third party mediator.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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