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Old 04-19-2012, 12:33 PM
persephone persephone is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 68
Default Good grief, can't anyone handle rejection?

So I just had my umpteenth person online respond to "No, thanks, I am not interested in dating you" with "I think you're (mean, rude, fat, ugly, stupid, or some combo of those) and I don't want to date you either, SO THERE!"

I don't date women on their own, so I have only run into this with men. Are women jerks like this too? If not, it would be interesting to figure out why it's a male-only problem.
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Old 04-19-2012, 02:37 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: PNW
Posts: 36

The judgment that someone is a "jerk" for reacting emotionally to a boundary setting that thwarts their (perhaps unrealistic, but there you have it) hopes is an interesting reaction in itself.

Online it can be a short step from shopping to rejection (isn't consumerism all about the illusion of choice?). So I wouldn't be surprised if someone wrote a bad product review of me if I rejected the online product they offer--that is, their projected/constructed self.

If this is their way of reacting to rejection, and you find it frustrating, then it should be doubly comforting to you that you chose to reject them. To put it another way, they ARE "handling rejection," but it sounds like in a way other than you'd like to see them do. What did you expect?
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Old 04-19-2012, 04:08 PM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

In my experience women don't reject, they ignore. lol

As for the men reacting like that... I've seen it. Not often on dating sites, but quite regularly on sites geared towards finding sexual partners (in my case swinging sites).

I have found saying something like "Thanks for the message, but I don't think we'd be compatible" to be a bit more well received that an "I'm not interested."

Then there are just the people who don't care what you say. A no is a no, and that automatically makes you a "bitch who refuses to step outside your comfort zone to try." Those are my favorites... Not.
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Old 04-19-2012, 05:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I have never, in a year and a half of being on OKCupid, gotten a response to my rejection where he called me rude, fat, ugly, or whatever (though I remember that happening in my 20s when I turned guys down in person. I just figured they were drunk or stupid). On OKC, I just don't respond to assholes or guys I'm not interested in. And I usually block them, so I won't get any more messages from them. I suggest you block them after rejecting them.

Sometimes I do engage in a little conversation with someone before I decide he's a "no." In that case, I tell them I'm not interested in a much gentler way than saying, "No, thanks, I am not interested in dating you," which does sound a little imperious or harsh to me. Maybe it just looks that way in writing. I do try to acknowledge the guys for something and wish them well.

I just went through some of the messages on OKC that I still have, and I have let them down easy with these statements:
"Thanks for the kind words, but I don't really think we'd be compatible. I wish you luck in your search."
He did not answer.
"You seem very intelligent and passionate about the things you believe in. I am seeking romantic partners, but I don't think you and I would be compatible, for a few reasons. But I wish you well in your journey!"
His answer: "Thank you for checking out my profile and blog and for the kind words. You are probably right on the compatibility assessment, that said wouldn't mind being friends or shooting the shit once in a while. Good luck on your journey as well."

This is someone I went on a date with:
"It was nice meeting you the other night. I enjoyed your company and appreciate your having come all the way uptown to meet me. I didn't get the sense that we "sparked" for pursuing a romantic relationship, but I'm open to friendship if you are. If not, that's cool, too - it's all good. I wish you well & hope you meet lots of fun women here on OKC."
BTW, I never say I'm open to friendship if I don't mean it. I'm not giving out booby prizes. His answer: "Thanks for reaching out and getting together with me. Sorry it didn't work out, and wish you the best of luck with _____ and moving into the next phase of your post-divorce life."

Now here are a few where I got rejected. One that I didn't mind at all: "That's very sweet of you to say that. Thank you. Though I don't think we're a romantic match, it's nice to read your profile as well. Happy hunting!"

One that felt icky to get: "I appreciate the note, but I think I'm going to pass. Happy New Year, and good luck."

The difference between the two was that the first complimented me on something and seemed to put thought into it. The second one, even though he wished me good luck, sounded condescending when he wrote "I think I'll pass."

I think, if one is going to answer and reject someone, to do it as nicely as possible. Either that, or why bother answering at all?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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