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  #61  
Old 06-08-2012, 11:15 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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So, I'm not perfect (ly sane) today, but I choose to act as if I am. I choose to sing, to play music, to jump around, to pay attention to me, my pets, and friends. I also choose to remain fearless and thorough on the issues of self worth and obsession. I'm worth it.

Thoughts: I will always feel uneasy unless M says we are an item again. I do not like this uneasiness and M can fix it.

Errors: Jumping to conclusions. Extreme thinking. Globalising. Emotional blocking.

Analysis: Always feel uneasy? Not so, I get pangs, but the misery is mostly gone. When I was with M, when we were an official item, I was still uneasy, scared of my past, and fearful about our future. M cannot fix this - it is in my head, her company puts my issues on the backburner sometimes, but it does not help me to help myself. This is my issue, it is about me, not M. It is true I do not like this uneasiness, but it is much better than the sheer torture and misery I was experiencing only a fortnight ago. I am experiencing growing pains - which are positive despite feeling uncomfortable. We are not an item, yet I still have a lover and friend. I actually have the best of both worlds, freedom to live my own life, and a wonderful friend. The future will take care of itself all I have to do is take care of today.

The other day M brough cheeses, crackers, sundried tomatoes, olives, smoked fish, pizza, grape juice and more for me. We had a wonderful time made all the better by the fact I had been looking after myself and felt better about myself. Our friendship will easily stand the test of time, but she may not be the primary partner I seek all the same. There is no way I can predict the outcome of this. I can only work on being a better man who is happy in his own skin. inner peace is VERY attractive, there is no shortage of women in my life when I am stable.

In study group this week one young (26 hehe) woman turned up dressed in lacy and sexy gear and it was not for the benefit of anyone else she beelined to my side and stayed there, she brought me chocolate, we talked about love, and how she was worried about falling in love here as she was returning to Germany shortly. She has invited me out several times. DOH! I could have had a secondary lover but I was too busy being obsessed over the ownership model my parents practised (and fucked up completely). Another young lady of dutch descent turned up and everytime I spoke she laughed I could do nothing wrong her attraction is very high.

Life is as rich and full as I choose to see it and make it. A world of opportunity exists. I will not play the field unless i meet someone i really like, and even then I'd discuss it with M first, as she has first dibs

There is no urgency, there is no desert wasteland awaiting me should things not work out with M. i am more concerned with helping her as a friend to accept and love herself, than I am in 'winning her devotion'. I am a far better man than I have been giving myself credit for, it's time to keep the affirmations and actions in place, to continue to learn to love myself.

Fuck the ego, fuck being a victim, I am not.
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  #62  
Old 06-08-2012, 11:24 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Where's the "like" button?
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Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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  #63  
Old 06-09-2012, 09:11 AM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Heard and processed some good stuff today. TOUGH afternoon, head full o dread had a glass of red wine and did a bit more study, being a bit slack but choosing not to beat myself for it. Better tonight. I did a fair bit of TEA in a notebook I got here for it. It's getting full

I did TEA on what if there is no hope for us and M leaves overseas to work and is gone, what are my fears about this scenario, and then after the TEA I wrote out plans of how I would cope with these scenarios. Then plans for how to achieve things I want for myself. It really helped. Facing the fears like this is painful but it loses it's sting as you tease it apart.

Self esteem really does hinge on self care, but happiness, that longing for peace of mind I get when my mind is troubled so often, I thought there must be a way to happiness (via esteem, which will help) but apparently this is back to front.

There is not a way to happiness, happiness is the way. I need to bring happiness to all that I do. (Wayne Dyer paraphrasing someone else) So I practised this... I cooked on my stove and realised - I'm happy for it, the electricity, the water, the food, a lot of which came from my garden. I am happy for my cup of tea, this comfortable chair, the internet. It snapped me from my uncertainty/torment/obsession and grounded me in this house I am happy for, in this country I am happy for, and all these people I am happy with.

Still mercurial then, this healing process. I've learned so much, I am happy about that too.

Bringing happiness to all that I do. This is a wonderful message.

There is not a way to happiness
Happiness is the way
Bring happiness to all that you do.

This rings so true for me. My outcome dependance is like an addiction, I know it only feeds the beast and yet I seek surety where only time knows the answers. I let obsession blind my eyes to the value of everything (especially M) and I take things for granted to fit my percieved notion of how things should be - like I'm entitled, instead of blessed.

I am so blessed. I am happy for the things in my life. For the opportunity to grow. For all the small things big and inbetween. I am happy to know it is possible to be happy.

I have to let go of others to find their own way, and trust myself to find mine. Where we share our time, I am happy for this too, but it should never make a pallor fall over the rest of life, over being in my company.

I must learn to be scintillating I am happy for being me.
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  #64  
Old 06-09-2012, 09:20 AM
mobetterblues mobetterblues is offline
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thanks for the encouragement Q & K.
And Q - good news on your progress and the possibilities that abound :-)
Sorry to vent last night. I had walked out of the hotel after a flashpoint.
The previous 2 nights we had re-connected in such a good way, the sex was unbelievable, and I genuinely felt like we had something again, something that could lead us to a reconciliation. Especially as we've discussed and booked couples therapy sessions for next week.
We were at dinner last night, and I brought up the subject of the other guy she's been seeing. I told her that, to give us the best chance of getting through our issues, I wouldn't be comfortable her being intimate with this other guy at the moment. She told me she doesn't always get intimate with him, but also indicated that sometimes she can't control herself when she's with him.
My blood began to boil, and although we were in a packed restaurant, my questions became sharp, direct and made her feel uncomfortable. In other words I lost control. She walked out of the restaurant, we had an argument back at the hotel and I walked out (my last post on this thread from last night was from the train station) she called and persuaded me to come back. We spent the night together, no sex (I had had a cigarette and in any case neither of us felt amorous due to the tense situation). She's gone to work today and I will meet her at 5pm. We've exchanged texts, both of us saying we are tired of the situation and maybe it's not worth it. We will talk tonight about this, and hopefully I can maintain control of myself, my jealousy. Her view is - she thinks I'm more concerned with stopping her seeing him than I am about repairing our relationship. For me, this reparation is hindered by her continuation of her intimacy with him. It makes me feel unhappy, and brings these horrible emotions out. It feels as though she is not compromising at all, in order to give us the best chance of reconciling. I said in my text earlier, that I believe we should be concentrating on us at the moment, that we are in such a fragile situation, we have to try to give ourselves the best chance - try to get the fulfillment we both need from each other first. And if in time we are unable to do this, then we will have to look at ways of getting this - whether open relationship or other. I feel like she is forcing me into a poly situation, that my feelings are not being taken into account. I know she is hurting as well, especially when my reaction becomes bad, like last night. Sorry again to vent, and thanks again for continuous moral support.
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  #65  
Old 06-09-2012, 12:40 PM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Questioning View Post
Fuck the ego, fuck being a victim, I am not.
I'm taking this with me today. thank you
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  #66  
Old 06-09-2012, 12:46 PM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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I have been in a situation where I have asked my partner to "delay" or "take a break" from what is going on with others for a time. When I asked it, I believe his concern was that I would want to hold things there indefinitely and try for us to have a "traditional" relationship when that is not what I want. I just needed to catch my breath - and to feel important enough to get his full attention as well.

I handled it by saying pretty much what I said above, "DD, I'm afraid that you'll think that this is me trying to manipulate and control you - I just need a breather while we figure this out and I feel more confident about what your intentions are. Can we do this for (time) and then talk about it again - I mean we can revisit it daily if you want but I want to know that you're on board with me."
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  #67  
Old 06-09-2012, 01:00 PM
mobetterblues mobetterblues is offline
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Thanks for this. The problem with me at the moment is that she ended 'us' 3 weeks ago, despite since saying repeatedly that she sees me as her life partner and just needs space at the moment. So I feel I have no right to ask her to refrain from being intimate with him now, and no doubt she thinks I have no right either, hence our arguements on this issue.
I don't feel it is too much to ask - if she genuinely sees me as the one for her. However she sees this as me trying to control her, and at the moment any hint of this and she moves the other way. Really don't know how to tackle this one for the best. I want a healthy happy relationship, but right now it seems like a pipe dream.
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  #68  
Old 06-09-2012, 01:59 PM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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I can share with you one of my experiences that seem similar to yours. But, mine was recent and it really only involved a short time frame ... so it isn't quite the same thing as what you are going through.

I'm going to give you a really high level of what we did:

I did my best to make sure that he understood my discomfort and concern but also made it clear that I understood his desire to move forward. I took care of myself and kept myself busy and happy and left him to his world.

1 - He came back to me and told me how much he loves me and that now he understood what my concern was and changed his behavior based on that.

2 - I learned that I may not be comfortable with everything. Neither is he but he seems to manage it better than I do and not let the fear drive his emotions and actions. But we're working through things to provide each of us with the love and lives that we want. we call is "managing conflict" rather than "resolving conflict".

3 - We're still defining our boundaries and our relationship as it is today: Long distance, D/s, open. We're clumsy at it because it's new. we're forgiving ourselves and each other a lot and we're learning to dig deeper when we discuss things to find what is REALLy going on and driving the discomfort or fear and addressing that rather than the fall out.

Some days it can feel so overwhealming and I hear your tangle of emotions. Unfortunately, the hardest thing to do at times like this is to distance yourself from the discomfort and what is going on but - it may be the best thing. Saying that - I do not mean distance yourself from your relationship as much as the part of it that tangles you in your fear.
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  #69  
Old 06-09-2012, 02:11 PM
sweetcrusader sweetcrusader is offline
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Sorry - I've been failing at being concise:

I realized that I just had to let it be and allow DD what he wanted. Knowing that it would not always be that way for us. Or, that if it was, and I was the one always compromising, that as much as I love DD we may not be ready for the relationship that I want. It was scary, terrifying, to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to know that is may be the start of the end.

For us, it turned out it wasn't the start of the end but the start of a better understanding of our relationship and one another.

I wish you the best.
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  #70  
Old 06-10-2012, 09:16 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Morning can be very painful, by evening I'm pretty zen about everything.

I know now that every time the obsession arrives in my head it has very little to do with what M is doing, it is all about the fear of losing her.

Under this fear is the real deal, what I'm really afraid of, falling apart. It's perfectly understandable.

I had lost my company, I had lost my savings. I was lonely, lost, isolated, sad, broke, without transport, my flat a mess, my head worse. My life and I were falling apart.

M came along and motivated me to change. She drove me places, we pooled resources, I cleaned up my flat, my look, and I was so happy (NRE). The loneliness and sadness and despair were dispelled. The thought of losing M is associated with losing all the improvements in my life.

The real issue then, is my faith in myself, my faith in my ability to cope with life without M. And I'm fucken terrified of going back there to an unproductive sad mess, fuck that it hurts too much. I do not need to go all the way back to my youth, to jail and all that crap, I was imprisoned in my flat. Slowly but surely cutting ties with the world.

So, I've got this tiger by the tail. It's putting up a fight. Part of me wants nothing more than to be adored and fawned over by some mindless bimbo as I smoke dope and fuck around in life. But this will not bring me happiness, nothing external can bring me happiness, only my perception of my life can allow me contentment, acceptance, gratitude, love. And for me, with my gifts, I need to be using them, contributing to mankind with love and understanding, using my experiences to help my fellows to stand on their own feet.

My plan really is sound. To make sure I don't go backwards. to put into place a life - to handle my business as a man, whether I have M or not.

Again, as this is all part of it, the repitition. A plan.

Transport, work, comedy, social life, adress addictions, self care, self love, and the selfish pursuit of happiness.

It is fantastic to know happiness comes from within. it's right here, I am accessing this sometimes. It is so peaceful, so loving and calm compared to happiness from external sources, with the nerves in case I don't get what I want, the outcome dependancy.

I am having to face the reality, that M is leaving. I am saying she wont come back (possible, entirely possible) so I have to prepare myself to cope with this scenario without falling apart. Hell, even if she is coming back, at present I start falling apart when I've not seen her for a few days, the obsession starts, and all that horrid uncomfortable crap, the fear.

I barely feel the obsession today in comparison to how it was. But that yucky stuff underneath, it is hard to keep focusing on that, facing that possibility. When I obsess my mind jumps to the dark place of fears instead of the surface paranoia jealousy etc - worse off?

NO!

The warning my body/mind has been sending me is very real. I just got it all twisted up. M can't save me from the dark place, only I can do that. Self discipline, self care, self love. And practise, happiness is the way, bring happiness to all that I do. As I put things in place for myself, act out of love for myself, my self love will imporve, and the external dependancies will fade. There is nothing wrong with liking attention and love from others, it's when I NEED it that things go awry, external outcome dependance = setting myself up to be hurt.

I REALLY want to win M over, as a partner for life. I already have her as a friend for life, but my insecurity - it cries for surety.

I see the consellor today, she can listen to me process my fears, and help me plan. No more taking this crap to M. She saved me, she loved me through thick and thin. Nobody is perfect her journey today fascinates me, she makes me proud how strong and honest she is. She is a role model for self love and self acceptance.

It's time to love myself deeply. to keep moving in the right direction, away from the darkness and into the light.
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