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  #51  
Old 06-05-2012, 09:05 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Sounds like you're on the right track Mo. Find out what your core belief is, how that obsession got triggered and deal with it. It is very painful but use TEA on it you can obliterate the power of the thing within days.

If she has agreed to do counselling the only thing really broken about your relationship is you.

So you got to ask yourself, can you deal with poly. Her love for you is not diminished by love for another, but the male ego - oh boy - what a struggle I had. You got to work all the angsty shitty stuff out for yourself if she has had enough of your mood swings etc the last thing she needs is you trying to have conversations about the two of you, you have to relax, do not react, it's hard, and VERY powerful.

Self love is the only way to truly be the great lover we desire to be. We feed off peoples energy and drain them and ourselves when obsessed.

So, what you got is a lady who loves you so much she's prepared to tell you the truth instead of be a lying cheat. She's prepared to seek help to try fix things with you - you got a real good deal you got to either be grateful or leave her alone. Harsh but true. Neither of you deserve a prolonged and painful withdrawal from each other, love her, or leave her be.

She loves herself so much she is willing to face aspects of her life that in many circles would have her shunned. I bet that scares the shit out of you, it did me. A strong independant woman - the best kind - can scare the living bejeezus out of men who are good at meeting and picking up women - why? Cos a whole string of codependant idiots bored the shit out of me, and now the shoes on the other foot, I've become the codependant - it's all about ego, the male ego needs a bloody good kicking now and then. I do not have the level of control I was accustomed to (and completely bored with).

But when I control myself, and be a good productive man instead of a jerk, well, there is this amazing woman who can't get enough of me when i am like that.

Today, I have a friend and lover, no partner for life delusions. Friend for life, yes, and see how it goes. That uncertainty CANNOT be fixed by extracting promises from M. I have to have certainty within myself.

Make no mistake, the catalyst was your relationship, but all the crap in your head is about you. unravel the rubbish top layer and find those fears and insecurities and wage war on that crap.

I have comedy to concentrate on, science, getting some work on. I got to doggedly and selfishly pursue self love, this includes being disciplined no matter how much I want to crawl under a rock. Get buff, become a martial arts expert, become a musician, poet, entertainer, whatever - get a life, you need it and you will be so grateful you did.

Time to go visit and do some strong coffee, birthday today YAY! I'll be studying most of it, then dinner with M, and if she is keen, a bit of my favourite exercise. Only if she is keen. My cock is nowhere near as important as me helping her feel safe with me again.

Huge gratitude for you, Kevin and other members on this forum. go well.
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  #52  
Old 06-06-2012, 12:08 AM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Questioning View Post
I did a bunch of TEA on self esteem type thinking and boy did it help. I did not allow myself to entertain thoughts of what is going to impress M, even though it tried to speak up from the background... I said to myself, if I was my friend (as I should be) and knew me as well as I do and what I care about what advice would I give myself. Not about M, about my general unhappiness, tendency to obsess or wallow in things.
Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I've tried this TEA thing given my tendency to overthink! And it works! Go figure!

All you overthinkers out there (and we know you are out there!!!) TRY IT.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Keep up the self exploration, it will pay off in the long term.
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  #53  
Old 06-06-2012, 05:12 PM
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Yes, I was an overthinker anyway, before this situation arose. Now, christ almighty I'm beavering away like the processor on my laptop.

I've had a better day today But I'm faced with a dilema. J has asked me to go away with her for the weekend. She'll be working in cambridge marking exam papers. A week or so ago I tried to use it to leverage some form of commitment from her, by saying 'on what basis do you want me to come?'. She's certainly not ready to commit to me again, so said, 'on no basis, just to have a nice time'. This is still her line, and she's going tomorrow. I want to go, but will the pain of walking away from her on Sunday might unleash further bouts of obsessing, pining etc? That's what I'm trying to protect myself from. My heart is telling me to go - my head is saying stay.

Must say I have impressed myself today, it's definitely sinking in, and it's definitely sinking in that I need to deal with things healthily, and in the best way for me.

Hope you had a good birthday and hope all's good over at your ranch.
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  #54  
Old 06-06-2012, 08:56 PM
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I vote, go with J (for the weekend). It's something you have in the here and now, so practice enjoying it.
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  #55  
Old 06-07-2012, 07:34 AM
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@ New Today. I am really happy this worked for you too. The power of TEA to turn me around in a few days is still unbelievable to me, but it works.

@ Mo: The dilemma? See, that's what I was doing, totally conflicted. Trying to be nice with all this bullshit in my head. Get it out of your head my friend, the last thing she needs is you not supporting her on her choice to take things slower. The reason she chose to take things slower has nothing to do with the polyamory, and everything to do with the way you reacted and keep reacting to her choices. If you can't respect her choices you aren't respecting her. Hence the need to work this shit out.

The pain of walking away from her is a construct of the mind. you can go into suicidal depression if you choose. Or you can smile at the memories, and have already planned what YOU will be doing next that YOU need to do, or simply enjoy doing. She is a bonus to your life, not your life. I hope I'm not being harsh or too off track here, i'm talking to myself a lot in communicating with you.

One thing that's becoming clear to me now is that pleasure loses its pallor when you have nothing but pleasure. Self discipline (self care as a regimen) is interesting in that it's often difficult to begin when you are feeling depressive but then it begins to give pleasure also. However, it is as if the times you relax are also enhanced. It's a double whammy of feel good.

I force my focus into the weights. Grit my fucking teeth and smile through the pain. Feel the muscles strain and feel the breath drawn in and out. Focus. As I walk mornings I search for rare fungi (found one yesterday, and 2 new species last two autumns), and I use affirmations with emphasis every time a thought pops up that isn't positive, whatever it is. Today I walked in the rain with a big shit eating grin on my face and came home with about a pound of wood ear fungi for the freezer.

My true self wants to love without conditions. The obsessive side of me wants SURETY, GAURANTEES, CONTRACTS.

Surety, to trust myself that I am capable of coping with the loss of M, this takes the power back. I faced the scary thoughts and changed the (fictitional) outcomes. What in reality will happen is sadness, followed by healing, followed by another girl. The obsession might be trying to protect me, but it's a stupid fucken broken piece of shit mechanism for me and I have more than enough conscious processing power to handle my business. And with TEA I'm sure my subconscious is learning fast as well.

When I'm obsessed I'm weak and rather pathetic. I am terrified of her, of what she thinks; of saying, doing or being something wrong. My very energy is unattractive, to myself, and to others. It's amazing, as soon as I managed to drop the obsession I get positive energy from complete strangers. I am only as alone in the world as I choose to be. The loneliest place of all is locked in my head with an obsession.

M and I are getting on great again. This is good. My expectations are that I keep building my life and if she wants to spend time with me great. And if she doesn't want to spend time with me, should I have an awful day and think it is about me and not the fact she has a very busy life -hell no!..

At this point (things are ok) I can easily switch to 'cruise mode' - slack up on the discipline. this is my past (repeated) mistake. No more fucking around. My time is mine and I can make a better life, a better man, better understanding, hell, with my capacity to make people laugh, and the products I'm designing to reduce environmental poisons, I'm making a better world. I better get myself prepared, mentally and physically, cos life is about to be fucking awesome again. In fact it is, I'm already on that ride.
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  #56  
Old 06-07-2012, 07:31 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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A tiny bit of discomfort crept into my head as I slept last night. I woke with mildly unpleasant thought about M and I. My head, my silly head wanted to go there, to plunge into problems, to drag out the past, to make a big deal out of nothing.

Thoughts: Because she slept with someone else (when we split up months ago), she doesn't respect me.

Errors: Jumping to conclusions, blowing things out of proportions. Globalising (one event becomes everything, a repeated cycle type thing). Dragging up past.

Analysis: The past is over. Today is what counts. I do not need the hot cold crap that comes with the she pushes - I pull thing that develops when I get emotional. Today I have important work to do, work that is all about me. M is welcome in my heart and my head, but obsession is not. M did not know what she wanted to do with her life and my pressure on her made it very hard to move or think. In the past I have reacted in exactly the same way - when my current relationship is a mess I'd go to another. I chose to love M, to allow her to make her own mistakes. I am her friend first and foremost, and if it was a male friend we would laugh about this and sheepishly admit it was foolish. M respects me a great deal, she has tried, with no qualification, to help me when I'm a mess. Now it is my responsibility to appreciate the efforts made, the love given, the care, compassion and consideration M has shown me. i don't need to tell her off, or act wronged, she has told herself off more than enough. I am respected, but I have to respect myself. Self love is amazing in that it attracts positive energy like a magnet. Attracts people like a magnet. When I have control over myself everything else is just life happenng, and I am a calm rock in the midst of it, understanding, compassionate, loving, present.

Today is another opportunity to grow, learn, love, laugh, cherish my fellow study buddies and help them cram for exams. Today is a gift, a blessing, and I am grateful for it.
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  #57  
Old 06-07-2012, 08:11 PM
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That's the spirit; keep the positive thoughts flowing.
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  #58  
Old 06-08-2012, 06:53 PM
mobetterblues mobetterblues is offline
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I fucked up! I went to cambridge, fucked all night 1st night. 2nd night i started with the Qs and ultimatums. We are on the edge right now, TBC..
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  #59  
Old 06-08-2012, 07:53 PM
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Sorry to hear about that, Mo Better. I hope things recede a little bit, back into calmer waters.
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  #60  
Old 06-08-2012, 10:27 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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I must live in the day. The past can do nothing to me if I let it go. The future can do nothing to me as it never actually exists where I am at. TODAY. This is my challenge.

Today I can do my best, just for this one day. I can survive and even thrive.

If I face the worst case scenario, which realistically is I get dumped and have to spend time alone and might go downhill mentally because of it. That's it. That's the worst thing that can happen that has made me lose sleep weight and sanity. NOT WORTH IT.

The worst case scenario - I can handle it. Using TEA to work on the fears and insecurities, the worst case scenario is only a bit of discomfort. What am I so terrified of.

Now, this is the key to it. TODAY I am in charge. What can I do today that improves my life from worst case scenario (dumped, depressed, going downhill). Anything other than worse case scenario is a bonus, and thus i have much to be grateful for today, and things i can work on today.

Obsession was smashed as soon I realised the worst case scenario is merely a bit of time alone. I spend time alone every day and there's no problem at all unless I start worrying about what M is doing when I'm not around. Fuck that, my focus is on me, improving me, building me, strengthening me. Yes, the obsession tries to creep back in, it is early days of healing. But I have broken it's back. And I will not remove my foot I will continue to grind it down till it is dust.

Pain, hell, I deliberately give myself physical pain when I train, and I enjoy it, I call it growing pains. As I do TEA and challenge my esteem it got painful, but it is growing pains, and I can handle them. I only ever have to cope with.... TODAY.

I have a choice to deal with this thoroughly, or wait till things are good again with M then repeat all the same stupid shit. I'm not living in fear of our future anymore, TODAY! Fuck the past, I forgive her and myself - TODAY!

Today I will spoil myself with good food, I will generate a large volume of work, and later after the work is done I will spoil myself more with a nice joint and a movie. TODAY is GREAT! And M is not here, and, I do not know where she is.

If I wake in the morning (bad time in past) and my head is full of shit and M is here Islip out of bed and go walk it off then do weights then shower and slip back into bed feeling great with breakfast in bed for the two of us.

The other alternative is to shit all over what we have, the beautiful morning and the beautiful company, with my paranoid delusions, childish whinging, and petty demands.

Make no mistake, I have waged war on unhapiness and obsession. it is my life and dammit, I'm going to enjoy it.

MO - really sorry to hear you lost it. It's so painful afterwards it is destroying your self esteem doing that which only strengthens the obsession. STOP IT! Do something about it, or you'll just do it all over again. The time to act is now. TEA is an incredible tool, and that model of obsession is accurate. Get on it. You will be amazed what only one week of waging war on all this emo crap will do for you. Be fearless and thorough, it will save your sanity, your health, and maybe your relationship.
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