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  #91  
Old 06-19-2012, 08:45 PM
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That's the spirit.

It sounds like friendship with M is something you can do, you probably don't have to erase her from your life completely but you also know if you get too close to the situation you lose a bit of your cool.

The situation sounds promising, there may be times when your emotions say different, but at least you've worked it out in your mind. I consider it somewhat of a (fortuitous) coincidence that you met M when things weren't going so well. She helped you jump-start your life. Now you know you have your own batteries you can run on too, so things are different than they were back then.

Things will keep getting better, I feel confident about that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #92  
Old 06-20-2012, 06:30 AM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Today was a mixed bag but entirely doable. I got annoyed with a woman who didn't bother to show for an appointment so I jut told her secretary I'll find another venue thank you very much. Felt a bit rude but it was me who travelled for the interview, and her in her place of work didn't bother to show...

Letting go of M, thoughts of M, seems almost constant, reality must be I spend a couple of times an hour having to switch focus again. It's a niggle really, not painful very often though there's a whole repertoire of painful things to think of should i choose to go there

Got a Wayne Dyer book out of the library, and some buddhist meditations to ponder. Really happy to be adressing a spiritual side to life again, I don't know what i believe I just know that faith helps, and with buddhism it is about being part of God, having faith in my own divine nature. i like this a lot, I have had a hard life but have always strove to be a good man. i love the concept of being selfless while taking great efforts to retain self care in order to better serve others.

M, I'm thinking I should not sleep with her. This will be very difficult for me, so I'm only pondering it for now. See, I reckon she's never been loved platonically before, it might help her see her worth as a person. Keen on feedback around this issue. Maybe she thinks men are all one-dimensional? Maybe I'm being a dick, using sex as a weapon? NO. She'll get some someplace else, maybe I don't want to not sleep with her as she will go someplace else...? Unconditional love sounds wonderful in theory, it can be very hard to practise, but i guess practise makes perfect.

It'd really help if i had someone else... This will come. I've not written M off, I just have to drop the expectations of her as my girlfriend. Expectations bring obsession. As a person I'd still like to know her, like to help her. this may change as I'm well and truly over being a doormat. I'll see, if she treats me good we're all good. if not I am taking my toys, and the sandpit, and moving. I hate leaving people in a mess, but i did not create the mess. i can try to help, if it doesn't work, so be it.
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  #93  
Old 06-20-2012, 08:18 PM
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I suppose you could try a platonic relationship for awhile and see if it helps. You should probably base it on whether it will help you as well as her, and maybe she should have a chance to share her thoughts about it before any decision is made.

I wouldn't try to force anything. The only thing that concerns me is the severity of the ups and downs; if something will level that out a little then it might be a good thing. Are you happy in your relationship with her, the way it currently is? If not, can you name the #1 reason/s why?
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  #94  
Old 06-21-2012, 10:36 PM
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Am I happy in my relationship with M now?

One the one hand - definately not. Everything is unsure, fragile. This makes me insecure, it starts obsession, which lately is composed of trying to figure out ways to 'make her love me' - which is stupid. My focus has to return to taking charge of my own life. She is with another man right now and though I said I would accept this, without her support at this time I feel really uncomfortable, like I have lost her to him. He is rich, I am a poor student. They are skiing and staying in a resort with spas and restaurant and... It makes me feel inadequate.

So no, I'm not happy. When she is not with me I am not happy. When she is with me, or at least visiting regularly I am very happy. This sucks. Happiness is meant to come from within.

The obsession really is some kind of avoidance behaviour that life is not as I want it - and I am projecting this onto M - that she is the answer to my malaise. Yet her behaviour is a catalyst for a great deal of it. All of that is water under the bridge now, my fear is that she will only produce more of the same in the future.

Part of me wants to cut her off cold. But this does not feel right. Part of me wants to fix everything, but this feels even worse. Part of me wants to love her unconditionally and accept her as a bonus in my life, but also accept the future is unknown. This feels confusing. Partly it feels right (unconditional love) and partly it feels suicidal (haven't you tried hard enough do you really think you can cope with more pain).

Filled with uncertainty and fear then.

Fear, that old enemy of love, has been an almost constant companion for this year. No wonder she's gone off me a bit. And all my thoughts concentrated on what is wrong, what she is doing wrong, grasping at straws, overreading things, grasping, grasping. We both do it. We are both trying to get out of this by finding fault in the other. Unfair, not honest, just people though, doing the best we can. Fear of loss of love fucking up the love. I say, from now on I can do much better. I can think before I open my mouth.

I don't NEED M. But i think i do a lot. i NEED peace of mind.

Today I am not hungover for the first time all week. I have been writing myself off in the evenings. This needs to change so last night I only had a couple instead of several-many and tonight there will be no alcohol. I'm ok, it's common for this type behaviour in a break up situation. Yes it hurts, feelings, they too will pass.
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  #95  
Old 06-22-2012, 09:47 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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So. I was obsessed as I feared M would dump me. Then, if that happened I would be alone, afraid, and my life would return to a place of darkness and despairing. I feared I would lash out and hurt M, her lover, or myself. I feared I would destroy my life, and so my obsession was very strong, I was bound by fear, living on fear, commanded by fear. I hid these beneath a layer of obsessive thought about M, if I could only 'fix' us, then everything would be ok. I was wrong, it was me that needed fixing.

TEA proved to be an amazing tool. Thought processes drove my fears and TEA helped me bring many of these thoughts to light as unfounded, paranoid, or simply not as all embracing and devestating as I thought. TEA is an incredible tool for working on repetitive and disturbing thought patterns.

I dug deeper when I discovered that TEA could rid me of obsessions, but only temporarily. TEA still really helps me when I practise it, but the underlying cause of my problem remained - and it was not M. I discovered my body was trying to warn me not to repeat the mistakes of the past. Having my happiness entirely dependant on one person, being lazy and too comfortable and slowly but surely becoming a co-dependant in my relationship instead of a supportive partner. My fears were justified, I was blindly repeating old patterns. When you've had a hard life and you find an oasis it is difficult not to want to be there in the warm sun forever. I equated all my happiness to M, but what brought that about was my own efforts, my going to uni, my generosity, my charm, my lovemaking skills, my company. She fell in love with me, then I slowly reverted to a scared child as the oasis proved less than perfect.

I began to axamine myself. It was very difficult not to put M in every thought and action, to do everything for her, our benefit. But it is about me. I need to rebuild my life so I have love and respect for myself.

So, i did get dumped. TEA still helps when the thoughts return to obsession. But a lot of the emotional stull I'm feeling now is actually genuine. loss, rejection, abandonment. For these emotions I am using EFT. I go to you tube and find brad yates eft on subjects like rejection, relationship breakups and more, i do the tapping. I often start in tears, distraught, emotions strong from 8 - 10. One or two tapping sessions later (10 - 20 minutes) these are reduced to 4, or even less.

Now I am on a spiritual journey while attempting to adress the facets of my life that need attention. Self care, self love, self worth. Income, transport, social life, hobbies, and spirit.

A lot of days I wake up scared and messy, but i do my EFT, I go for walks, i do exercise. This might be fairly minimal but it is regular and it is helping. I am forgiving of myself that i drank too much this past week but am also aware that i do not want comedy to turn into an alcohol fueled.dependant pastime. i have performed sober before, I have many amazing peers who perform sober, so i am looking at this drinking and weed smoking as symptomatic of my life circumstances, nothing more, and nothing to be alarmed about, just aware. i can plan things better, take a friend for support, go to gigs with love and an attitude of bringing laughter to others instead of attention to myself.

I have learned that to remove the negative influences in my life i simply have to start scheduling things into my life that are good for me. As I begin to do more and more things that fulfil me those things that hold me back will fall by the wayside.

I have also learned that all things are possible, and we can use our thoughts to shape our lives. I have learned to begin with the end in mind.


I am well.
I am calm and peaceful.
I am loving.
I am capable.
I am studious.
I am living in abundance.
I am in beautiful and joyous relationships.
I am hard working and capable.
I am an excellent comedy promoter.
I am an inspiring speaker.
I am mobile.
I am happy and joyful and content and carefree.
I am a plant pathologist.
I am reducing environmental poisons by the tonne.
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  #96  
Old 06-23-2012, 12:10 AM
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One observation that struck me is that it's good when "your world can depend upon *you*," and doesn't have to depend upon M -- neither depending on her for being "together with her," nor for being "separated from her." Neither scenario should be a necessity for your well-being. Your well-being should depend upon you, and when you feel good about you, then the right kind of relationship with M will probably "fall into place."

Some of your most positive moments seem to come from a place where "you have faith in you;" you believe in yourself, and believe you can accomplish great things. It's when you start "doubting yourself" -- e.g., fearing that you won't be able to "handle things," that you'll "hurt someone," those are the times when you hit your emotional lows. Now which is the cause and which is the effect, I'm not as sure. Do your emotional lows cause you to lose faith in yourself? or do your self-doubts cause the emotional lows? Maybe it works both ways a little.

Here's to hoping that your relationship with *yourself* will be a good and positive one in the majority of the near future.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #97  
Old 06-23-2012, 10:11 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Those are very good observations Kevin. I think the thoughts are the prelude to feelings, and then if the feeling is strong (uncomfortable) enough I go back into mad thoughts, racing thoughts, circular obsessive thoughts - trying to escape the feeling?

Trying to escape something born of thought with more thought is ultimately futile - yet we are programmed to believe that we can, that we may think our way out of thinking!!!

TEA does not stop us thinking, it interrupts it instead. Isn't it amazing how quickly most disturbing thoughts can be demolished with that exercise.

I am trying hard these days not to be so attached to outcomes. I identify with the things I do, the things I have, the people i know. But my true spirit needs none of these things. My true spirit sat in a cell and let the universe pour through my pen into beautiful poetry and song that touched many lives. I sat in my cell and reached out with my pen and renewed relationships with family and friends. I became extremely grateful to be in posession of a book, of writing material. A cup of tea. WEALTH. The sun on my face, a conversation, each day I'd live and enjoy life to the best of my ability in an environment of danger, fear and imprisonment. The only difference to how I was then, and how I would like to be now, is the promise of the future being better than the now - being released. I spent a fair bit of energy looking ahead, that in the future I would be happy as the future would be better than now as things would be different.

This is my problem today. to live in and enjoy today as the gift that it is. NOW is the only time i can be happy. My mind keeps flicking to where I want my relationship with M to be in order for me to be happy. This is nonsense. But it seems so utterly plausible. The short term gain of getting my own way, what I want, surely pales in comparison to being happy now, with what I have. Gratitude, joy, wonder.

I am uncomfortable with the fact I am still very concerned with how M and i pan out. It is getting too much energy. I must remind myself my life is filled with beautiful loving relationships, that we are friends, and only the future knows what will be. Anything is possible. Including patching things with M, or meeting someone who blows me away so much the (uncomfortable) thoughts of M just melt away. Or, better still, the uncomfortable thoughts melt away now.

I am ok. Thoughts are only thoughts they have power if I choose to let them have power. thoughts can build beliefs, and then we manifest things into our lives. i believe I am going to be OK. I am OK. Beakups are difficult, the pain also passes. i can learn and be better in every relationship in my future including with M.

I can manifest all of my needs. The trick then, is to be patient, to have faith in the process and myself. Gratitude, love, acceptance.

I seek bliss now that is not of any external source. Kevin, you noticed when i have faith in myself I am ok. this is true. Faith in myself, faith in the process, faith in healing, abundace, spirit, love.

I am a being driven by love. Now i must learn to be, to just be, to be love.
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  #98  
Old 06-25-2012, 06:52 PM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Thoughts: I woke up with a bit of poison thought in my head. I will never get my head straight.

Errors: Conclusions, global thinking, extreme thinking, reality filter, ignoring positive.

Analysis: I said a bit of poison and it was only a bit. A small bit, an errant thought about M with others led to a train of thought of how sad I am etc what I could say bla bla bla. This is not true. I have been happy most of the time and considering the circumstances I am doing really well. Even my counsellor thinks so. I have chosen to live in the now, that is, to stop identifying with my story (past and future plan) and make the best of today. In this context any interaction I have with anyone is entirely fresh in the context of the day. If there is residual forgiveness of myself and others to work on I can work on it. M is NOT my girlfriend. It MIGHT be possible to heal things between us, but if i do not concentrate on myself and healing myself a reconcilement will only lead to more of the same.

When I think of 'speaking my mind' I feel bad
When i think of 'trying to explain I've changed' - it is not right.
When I think to 'just love regradless' it feels right, but my ego is frightened by the idea - it wants control, some kind of gaurantee.

THERE IS NO GAURANTEE. We do the best we can. The best i can do is a lot better than I was doing. Today I will do my chores and stay as present as possible. M gets back today so I'm a bit anxious. Calm myself through exercise diet and meditation, read a book, be present, NOW.

I am in loving beautiful relationships.
I am happy, joyous, and carefree.
I am at peace.
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  #99  
Old 06-27-2012, 05:37 AM
FallenAngel FallenAngel is offline
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The love of my life for 4 years just told me how much she wants to be in a poly relationship and it's been killing me. I have been looking from help but knowing I can't just ask. THANK YOU SO MUCH for posting this. I feel like its going to help me so much I am so scared about losing her thank you again.
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  #100  
Old 06-27-2012, 08:54 PM
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Hi Questioning and FallenAngel,

Focus on being a better you, concentrate on being a better you. Your thoughts and actions are within your sphere of influence; what someone *else* does is beyond your sphere of influence. Thus if you obsess about someone else's actions (M, the love of your life, whoever), you'll find yourself with a helpless feeling (which can lead to frustration, depression, or any number of things). Let others be who they are, it's up to them what kind of a relationship (if any) they want to seek with you. Just be the best you that *you* can be.

I hope things are going better, sorry I've been logged off for a couple of days.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
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