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  #11  
Old 04-20-2012, 06:26 AM
tll2k6 tll2k6 is offline
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Thanks Phy. I don't know how quickly we can proceed. She has only worked a total of 3 days in her life, due to her social anxiety. She really has nothing in her name. Hell, she doesn't have her driver's license, and her learners permit is about to expire. I can't bring myself to just kick her out on the curb. And, honestly, I still want her to get the medical help she needs, which she won't be able to do without my insurance. I guess we'll just have to see where everything stands in the morning. I know I shouldn't torture myself like this, but I am still kinda hoping we may be able to salvage this...
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  #12  
Old 04-20-2012, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by tll2k6 View Post
Thanks Phy. I don't know how quickly we can proceed. She has only worked a total of 3 days in her life, due to her social anxiety. She really has nothing in her name. Hell, she doesn't have her driver's license, and her learners permit is about to expire. I can't bring myself to just kick her out on the curb. And, honestly, I still want her to get the medical help she needs, which she won't be able to do without my insurance. I guess we'll just have to see where everything stands in the morning. I know I shouldn't torture myself like this, but I am still kinda hoping we may be able to salvage this...
On everything else I am useless. On this I have plenty of experience.

Your wife, if she really has nothing, can a) look into SSDI, as her social anxiety is preventing her from working, and b) will likely qualify for Medicaid if the two of you divorce.

There's only so much fixing you can do. My partner helped me learn to drive--is that an option for her? Would she let you teach her? Renewing the permit just means taking the written test at the DMV again. Easy. I had to do that. You can take advantage of your insurance situation for the time being, which will get her into counseling, but what will you do if her anxiety doesn't clear up before you two stop being able to live together?
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  #13  
Old 04-21-2012, 04:35 PM
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I feel for you. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be independent. I wonder how people find themselves in a place where they entirely rely on another. I have never been there and never intend to be.

I'm so sorry that not only is this woman deciding to end your years of marriage with you but needs you to take care of her. That's the biggest SUCK ever.

Asking/expecting the very person you want to get away from to please help me get away from you is just wrong to me. Still, you both created this so I think I would just let her sit in her new bedroom and figure it out for herself. It could be she just needs time.

In the mean time this. Is your time to think about your future too. If nothing else it sounds like the two of you need autonomy from one another. You need to be thinking in terms of "what do I want in my life" and so does she. Frankly, IMHO, you should of been doing this all along in your marriage, otherwise this wiuld be easier now, but here you are facing it now. No time like now to get on it.
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  #14  
Old 04-23-2012, 07:56 AM
tll2k6 tll2k6 is offline
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On everything else I am useless. On this I have plenty of experience.

Your wife, if she really has nothing, can a) look into SSDI, as her social anxiety is preventing her from working, and b) will likely qualify for Medicaid if the two of you divorce.

There's only so much fixing you can do. My partner helped me learn to drive--is that an option for her? Would she let you teach her? Renewing the permit just means taking the written test at the DMV again. Easy. I had to do that. You can take advantage of your insurance situation for the time being, which will get her into counseling, but what will you do if her anxiety doesn't clear up before you two stop being able to live together?
She knows how to drive. All she needs to do is take the driving test. Her anxiety is making it difficult to do that, since she doesn't like being around people that she doesn't know. She thinks they constantly judge her, and during the test, she'd be right. She has been going to counseling, but she just changed therapists, and hasn't been able to go very often. They finally set up multiple ones in advance, but it's not for another two weeks or so... It's going to be rough making it that far.

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I feel for you. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be independent. I wonder how people find themselves in a place where they entirely rely on another. I have never been there and never intend to be.

I'm so sorry that not only is this woman deciding to end your years of marriage with you but needs you to take care of her. That's the biggest SUCK ever.

Asking/expecting the very person you want to get away from to please help me get away from you is just wrong to me. Still, you both created this so I think I would just let her sit in her new bedroom and figure it out for herself. It could be she just needs time.

In the mean time this. Is your time to think about your future too. If nothing else it sounds like the two of you need autonomy from one another. You need to be thinking in terms of "what do I want in my life" and so does she. Frankly, IMHO, you should of been doing this all along in your marriage, otherwise this wiuld be easier now, but here you are facing it now. No time like now to get on it.
Honestly, she hasn't asked me. She asked me multiple times if I wanted her to leave. I want nothing less. I have come to realize that I'm almost definitely codependent. I WANT to take care of her, and I'm feeling lost now.

She seems to agree that we should get therapy, then turns around and basically says that she thinks that she is changing and that she doesn't think that we will be compatible anymore. I think pushing her to tell me where she thought our relationship was heading was a bad idea... She has been more and more distant since then. I don't know if maybe the guy she says she loves has come around and said he wanted a relationship or what, but she seems to be trying to push me away more every day... I know you all say that it is over, and maybe it is, but I want to at least fight for it. It's just really hard when the other person doesn't want to. I wish there was some kind of emergency therapy place, like there is for physical emergencies. That's what I think I need now.

We just had a fight, and I told her that it seemed that she was being more distant after she said that she sees us being just friends. She didn't respond, so I prodded a bit more and she was just deflecting and saying that she was tired and didn't feel well and she didn't know what to say. I kinda stormed out and I feel horrible now. She's asleep in her room and I don't know if I'll be able to sleep in an empty bed, knowing that she's in the next room. I'm sorry that this has moved away from a poly discussion... I really have nowhere else to talk about this stuff.
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  #15  
Old 04-23-2012, 08:42 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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Keep your chin up.

Having spent a year with someone with a very similar set of illnesses (BDP, SAD and chronic depression, not to mention another whole mountain of social difficulties) I know the difficulties of dealing with that kind of a partner, if you haven't learned yet that no matter what you say or try and show, its always going to be outweighed by their internal perceptions and reinterpreted by their habitual biases, which are always by nature self centred.

BPD makes it incredibly difficult for people to empathise with or relate to people because EVERYONE else is "outside" of them, and don't easily correlate with what is "inside" of them. Trust me, very few things feel more liberating that breaking ties with that kind of situation.

I'm not saying your goals or futile or that you are wrong in wanting to fight to get your relationship back to a stable and happy place, What I AM saying is to take a cold and hard look at your current situation, and judge in the harshest possible way if the other persons inclusion in your life is an activity positive contribution to you happiness, or a habitual inclusion of comfort.
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  #16  
Old 04-23-2012, 07:11 PM
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There's not much to be done about the issue of test anxiety, I'm afraid. I flunked mine three times because I was so anxious I couldn't drive. The fourth time, I had a guy who was really understanding about my nerves (also I had told him "I have an anxiety disorder; please be patient with me").

I also wish there were emergency therapy places.

@Alleycat, SAD and depression are worlds different from BPD--another "correlation, not causation" issue, very common in psychology. BPD is also controversial in that some doctors (unscrupulous ones) will diagnose it in any "difficult" woman. I had it happen to me, when really I just had a complicated, nasty history + a brain chemistry problem that hadn't been corrected. There are major differences in treatment, too. BPD responds well to behavioral therapies, almost to the exclusion of others. SAD means there is a deficit in light causing a chemical issue inside a person's body; many major depressions have their roots in chemical imbalances. CBT/DBT sometimes help, but they must be combined with other forms of treatment in order to effect remission or cure.

If you would like to be brought inside the headspace of someone who has dealt with mental illness, by all means PM me and I am happy to share.
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  #17  
Old 04-24-2012, 08:53 PM
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@Alleycat, SAD and depression are worlds different from BPD--another "correlation, not causation" issue, very common in psychology.
Yes, This I am aware of.

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If you would like to be brought inside the headspace of someone who has dealt with mental illness, by all means PM me and I am happy to share.
I'm a bit of a knowledge junkie, I think I may just do that.
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