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  #11  
Old 04-28-2012, 11:13 PM
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Gosh, I hope not; that would be an awfully extreme action, unless there are some compelling reasons why you guys should break up. It sounds like some serious issues have come to the table, but without knowing any specifics about what those are, I can't come to any further conclusions.

Re (from Deerinthewoods):
Quote:
"I do have a question -- How do you meet partners that are trustoworthy?"
I don't know, I suppose you get to know them pretty well on a platonic level before dating them. Also asking them a lot of questions (and not assuming anything, no matter how obvious it seems) is a good idea.

Re (from Deerinthewoods):
Quote:
"In your experience is it easier for you to pick your partner's new lover, or do you have veto on potential new partners, or is it free for all? Interested in knowing ..."
Well I guess my V kind of has a veto policy. But we've never had to use it. We haven't even done any looking for "new people to date," in, like, years.

Anyway, I hope you and your wife can get some of your issues worked out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #12  
Old 04-28-2012, 11:23 PM
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Sometimes ending a relationship is the best and most respectful thing you can do for each other. It is hard but not every relationship is meant to last forever.

You sought out poly because there were problems you thought having extra sex partners would solve, rather than solving those problems first. When your wife said to you that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married anymore, that is a statement that deserves respect. That, and the fact that sex is unsatisfactory for you both indicates a real need to heal and get healthy.

I am glad you decided to work on the issues before thinking about involving other people. Unfortunately, I don't see how much progress you can make without a third party guiding you, such as a counselor or therapist. If you really want to work on this together, that may be a point you should insist on. You want to know that you did everything you could, whether you end the marriage or continue.
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  #13  
Old 04-30-2012, 05:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deerinthewoods View Post
So we have mutually agreed not to have sex because its just not working right now. It allows us to work through all the other issues in our marriage.
This has me confused. When I'm an emotional basket case sex doesn't work for me either, so I understand not making sex a primary focus or goal when your together, but I don't understand cutting it out all together.

I agree with NYCindie it sounds like a neutral third party (marriage counselor) would be extremely helpful. Does she have some deep religious background or a bad experience that is fueling this aversion to therapy?
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  #14  
Old 04-30-2012, 07:47 PM
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Your post rings very close to home for me.
I joined the forum last week. Looking for answers I suppose. my Partner and I of 20 plus years established late last year that we would try "Poly". Now for a bit of history. We occasionally dabbled in the swing scene. We have had 2 V relationships with me the man as the hinge. As far as "swinging was concerned, it really wasnít our cup of tea. We didnít run off for sex minutes after meeting a couple. In fact, we made many good friends, and generally never had a sexual relationship with them. I guess we didnít much like the label swingers, and a friend said, "You're Poly!" Poly? we said? We had no idea!
Fast forward. We have both had a partner. We both know who the partners were and had met since they were part of a circle of friends.
In the last few months, she has been seeing a few men. I really didnít know the extent, but I knew conversation was happening.
She had left a FB chat open a few weeks back, the dialog clearly suggested they had been intimate. Now understand, Iíve watched my wife have sex with a man, always when I was there. For some reason her doing this without my knowledge hit me like a baseball bat. I can relate to wandering aimlessly and not being able to get it off your mind.
Now please understand I am no angel in this situation. A year ago I had a short term affair that she found out about, that has probably led to this situation.
I joined this site so I could find out how others are feeling. You and I have much in common. For me, Iím discovering the communication, and taking time for the communication is of the utmost importance. After we chatted over a bottle of wine this weekend, I realized how much I do love her, and how empty my life would be without her. So forward we go. With respect for our partners feelings and clear honest communication. While I too have a stomach that is turning, I like to see her smile, as I know she likes to see mine.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:57 PM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
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Default Thanks scooterz

Yes it does sound like we have some similarities. I wonder why you two felt the need to have clandestine affairs AFTER being in the swing scene. Maybe it was the idea that even though you were having sex at least it was done together? I do relate to that, although after our first get together, I noticed that Blu was really gravitating to Bent and that I felt kind of like an interference(?) in what was going on between them. I didn't want to be a thrid wheel and thought maybe they should cultivate their own relationship out of the context of us.

It all got cut short and Blu was resentful of my role in facillitating their meeting and not respecting her when she expressed reservations. II was so wrong in those respects and although she found Bent very attractive and charming and certainly enjoyed physically what went on, the fact that he was "taken" and not willing to be honest with his gf was a deal breaker. For my part , she is understandably upset with the fact that there was a bit of pressure on my part. I was just afraid that if we didnt do it then it would have never been discussed seriously and would have remained in the realm of fantasy. I can see that I was wrong about my approach and that my very actions show a lack of respect. I have learned a lot from this-what to do and not do. I am grateful that Blu has decided not to leave me outright but we have lots to work through.

At the very least we are talking through things. We have cut out sex between US. She may at any point decide to have sex with anybody else. I hope taht if she does, that she tells me. That was the one thing that we set out between us, that she does tell if she does. Right now though , I think sex is pretty distant in her mind-she has a lot of other things on her mind right now.

In response to the questions about therapy-she generally doesn't like the culture of therapy-she's kind of stoic and seems to believe that any problem can be worked through by silence and sollitude. Needless to say, I don't share this feeling. But no one can force you into therapy. She generally does not like talking about her private life to strangers and would probably be angry if she knew that this is our life that I am describing in this forum.
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  #16  
Old 05-01-2012, 11:45 PM
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Well, in very general terms, it sounds like things have improved between you guys just a little. Every little bit helps.

I can kind of see how things developed, and how you guys got to the point where you are today. Sure therapy would be nice, but if you keep practicing at communicating with each other, you'll probably get better at it. Perhaps some self-help books (such as books about communication) would be helpful? Just a thought; it might be like an "alternative to therapy" that she might be able to "choke down."

Regardless, I'm glad that you guys are gradually working things out.
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  #17  
Old 05-02-2012, 12:15 PM
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Default Deerinthewoods

I know it sounds odd, swingers having affairs!?
I believe it was because till then anything we had done was together; we planned and were involved together. While I think we tended to always have an emotional connection with our partners, probably not to the extent Poly may allow. And for us, that was the definition of unfaithful. Not the physical act of sex, but the emotional act of caring for another person. Then up pops Poly!
What Iím learning about Polyamory is there are also a thousand parking spots to pull your particular relationship paradigms into.
I think something that helped us, was a sex therapist we found on line after quite a bit of research and visiting 3 or 4 locally.. She works out of Atlanta and works with about 20% of her clients over the phone. For us, this worked because we could coordinate a time ( 8pm ) that was easier for us. It wasnít face to face, and I must say, she's quite easy to talk to. Maybe phone therapy might help. I havenít talked to her in about a year. I probably need to. It helps for me.
During our ups and downs, we did try to continue to be intimate. For us, or myself, I suppose, thatís paramount. It didnít always need to be the gratuitous 12 minutes of intercourse, but touching, stroking her hair, rubbing her feet. Having our energy connect is so important to me, and I believe her
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  #18  
Old 05-07-2012, 11:53 AM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
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Default Touch

Funny you mention that...touch has become so important now, hugging, kissing, holding hands. I guess this first experience with Bent kind of blew everything that we had known away and now we have to get to know each other once again on different terms.

We have been very close in a different way. Not the gratuitous 12 minutes of intercourse-but instead its been very intimate and romantic. Lots of staring into each others eyes.

The power dynamic has changed too. She is much more confident and decisive. I have become more vulnerable and emotionally honest. She says I am like a school boy these days.

We haven't really talked about it, but I know that she misses the physicality of Bent. Her mind and ethics won't allow her to go where her body wants to. At this point we can't talk through it because it just frustrates her and I have to respect that.

I am glad to have this forum to share how things are going. There has been a lot of good advice here.
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  #19  
Old 05-08-2012, 01:30 AM
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Sounds like generally positive changes, other than the thing about Bent still being a sore spot for her.

Glad if we are able to help.
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  #20  
Old 05-16-2012, 11:50 PM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
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Default One month later

Blu and I are close again after a strange period of estrangement. She went out last night, to the same bar that we went out with Bent to last month. She told me today that she was thinking about him. I really didn't know how to react when she brought him up. Like I said in last post, I can tell she wants him but knows that he has a girlfriend and is not being honest to his gf.

When she mentioned him , I refrained from reminding her of this fact because she seemed to get pleasure from her memory of him. Im happy that the thought doesnt seem to bring her pain anymore. Just quiet pining.

Do you think this is the right approach? I know some people say communicate communiacte communicate...but when does communicating become selfishness? I ask this question because although I have a lot on my mind, I think that it is more respectful to let her express these feelings without an instant comment from me.
What do you think?
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