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  #81  
Old 03-03-2010, 01:35 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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In the immortal words of my Jr. High Family Life teacher, "Fight nice Children!"
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  #82  
Old 03-03-2010, 01:51 AM
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Oh my goodness.
I suppose in some disturbing way it's "nice" to see everything around here has stayed predictably similar in the time I've been gone......

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  #83  
Old 03-03-2010, 01:59 AM
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Oh my goodness.
I suppose in some disturbing way it's "nice" to see everything around here has stayed predictably similar in the time I've been gone......

haha! no kidding... glad to see you back LR *hugs*
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  #84  
Old 03-03-2010, 02:06 AM
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Thanks RP.
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  #85  
Old 03-03-2010, 06:49 PM
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It's not so much that someone without children can't understand what it's like to raise a child ect it's that until you have a child it's hard to truly get that this little person's needs come before anyone else's (including your own). I am talking about this from my own perspective however. Maybe other people really can get what it's like to have a child without having had one themselves. Before having my kids though I never knew someone could be that important to me.
It always makes me happy when I come across parents who do truly get how important a child is once it's been brought into the world. Given the number of parents I've worked with who don't actually get this key thing, it suggests that maybe the thing that qualifies a person to truly get it may not always be the actual act of having kids. I've known enough people who have had kids but still don't get this.


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I think that giving a new partner's needs the same weight right off the bat is cruel to those already involved in the relationship.
I don't think anyone has suggested that.
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  #86  
Old 03-03-2010, 07:52 PM
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I think Derby was responding to someone elses thoughts on that last quote there Ceoli. I don't think the post she was responding to is there anymore. Could be wrong.

I have noticed that "game changers" come in many forms. When people get together or events happen in a community it can mean a "game change." Its really an everyday life kind of thing I think and of course necessary in life in order to live to the fullest.

In terms of my life I think of when Mono and I got together. We went as slow as our NRE allowed, which was a little fast in some ways and just right in others. I couldn't fore see the change in my parents as they were very disapproving and chose to remove themselves from our everyday lives. I'm sure also that my boy had a hard time adjusting to mummy being away over night one and now two nights a week also. He also noticed that I was not around sometimes and he was alone with his dad more. This was all hard. I knew all this and was very aware that he didn't understand what is going on. I tried very hard to make sure I was available for him when I was around and available to my husband too. I was as honest as I could be in explaining that mummy loves Mono and wants to see if he could be in our family. I have always told him that he gets to pick his chosen family and so do we. I spent time figuring out new ways to hang out with my boy and new ways of being with him in general as a new person was added to our lives where there had been no others around. It was confusing to him. He doesn't understand relationships and why Mono was around. It was like adjusting to another sibling I think. Another form of "game change." A sibling he may of understood as some of his friends have gone through that. Another family member in the form of another lover for his mum is huge. Who would he talk to, who could relate? He had no one really. Especially as my parents chose to not be there for him and told him I was being selfish.

I think its hard for kids to have to share a parent with someone else. They are little humans that have their own personalities and needs for relationship. Is it fair that we ask them to go through all that we as grownups go through when our partners chose another partner? I sometimes wonder in some cases. After all, kids don't have the maturity to communicate sophistically as adults do. Generally speaking.

I considered far more about my child when I brought Mono into our lives than I considered my husband or other lovers I had at the time. My husband and I had boundaries, agreements, negotiations before all of this began, my boy had it all put on him. If I go with my theory that it is best to go at the pace of the one struggling the most then my boy would definitely of been that person. Therefore a huge factor in deciding whether or not a known game change should occur.

Just for the record, Mono is a huge part of his life and he spends a lot of time with him now. He has adjusted very well and his life is enriched temendously now that the dust has settled and we have a routine. Kids do far better with a routine in my opinion
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  #87  
Old 03-03-2010, 07:59 PM
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I think its hard for kids to have to share a parent with someone else. They are little humans that have their own personalities and needs for relationship. Is it fair that we ask them to go through all that we as grownups go through when our partners chose another partner? I sometimes wonder in some cases. After all, kids don't have the maturity to communicate sophistically as adults do. Generally speaking.
By that rationale, single mums shouldn't date at all. I think it's just a matter of balance. Different kids have different levels of neediness based on several different factors...the romantic events in their parents' lives being one of them.
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  #88  
Old 03-03-2010, 08:10 PM
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By that rationale, single mums shouldn't date at all. I think it's just a matter of balance. Different kids have different levels of neediness based on several different factors...the romantic events in their parents' lives being one of them.
It's not that single moms shouldn't date at all but rather that it should be done at an appropriate pace for the child where there is a lot of talking between the parent and the child (at an age appropriate level) about what is going on and what is likely going to happen next.

I've been watching a single mom friend of mine start a new relationship (the second since breaking up with the other birth parent) and it is going far too fast. Until recently the child was still seeing my friend's previous partner in a co-parenting type of capacity. That link has now been totally cut off from the child since now my friend has a new love in her life. They are planning on moving in together now after only having known each other for 3 months. The child (who's 6) is confused and often angry as no one is talking to him to explain what is going on.

I think what I'm trying to say is that there are ways to date with children involved which are respectful towards the children and ways to date that aren't.

-Derby
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  #89  
Old 03-03-2010, 08:18 PM
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It's not that single moms shouldn't date at all but rather that it should be done at an appropriate pace for the child where there is a lot of talking between the parent and the child (at an age appropriate level) about what is going on and what is likely going to happen next.

I think what I'm trying to say is that there are ways to date with children involved which are respectful towards the children and ways to date that aren't.
I completely agree with that and I don't think that's what was in dispute. I wasn't listing out my rationale but taking the rationale of another post and taking it further.

I think the challenge is that it's one thing to be respectful of your children (or many different aspects of your life...other partners, families, homes, careers, etc) when dating, it's entirely another thing to set out fierce protections prescript the form of life and that are designed to prevent change. The second seems less able to adapt and more likely to break when change inevitably comes in one form or another.
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  #90  
Old 03-03-2010, 08:21 PM
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I said "in some cases" Ceoli. I don't think people with kids shouldn't date, just that it is better, in my experience, for a child to be considered carefully and more so than an adult in someones life.
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