Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #201  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:26 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I found this on
http://tacit.livejournal.com/
in the January 26th, 2011 post. I think it makes the point, quite clear.



Polyamorous Secondary Relationship Card
Thank you for your interest in allowing me to join your relationship as a secondary. To help me understanding your needs, goals, and intentions and best evaluate your offer, please fill out this card. As a “secondary” partner, I may expect that (check all that apply):
I will be dumped if I become inconvenient
I will be dumped if I ask to be treated with the same respect as your other partner
I will be dumped if I become pregnant
I will be dumped if I say the word “love” in a romantic context
I will be dumped if another partner requests it, regardless of the reason
I will be dumped if I am seen as a threat by anyone else
I will not be invited to family vacations or holiday events
I will be dumped if I get a boyfriend or girlfriend of my own
I will be required to keep the relationship secret from your family, friends, or others
Other (specify): __________________________________________________ __________
Concept: Edward Martin Implementation: Franklin Veaux
HAHAHA!! Surely it is a joke? This card is not related to any form of relationship that I hope anyone would invest in on any level. It is ironically funny because I beleive there are some people who would subscribe to this aproach to building sexual networks.

Again though..this card has to be a joke
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #202  
Old 02-09-2011, 07:22 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,496
Default

Having read the post-it wasn't his point to make it a joke but to make it a consideration that this is no position to put someone in.

It SHOULD be so impossibly ridiculous that a person would ever encounter such a possibility as to be laughable.

But the truth is-it's not. That's one of the complaints of a number of secondaries I've read over the last year on here. The variety of ways that they are treated as disposable.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #203  
Old 02-09-2011, 07:34 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,496
Default

Ok, absolutely NOT funny. Seconds after I posted this I got a comment on my blog (where I also posted about that card).
A heartbroken comment about how their stomach turned reading it, because they've been treated that way and seen others treated that way as secondaries...

That heartbroken person is the reason I posted the card.
There are many of us who say "no way", but there are too many out there who ARE subjecting their metamours and/or secondaries to this type of shit.

I fully believe that education changes attitudes... which I why I posted it, it needs to be considered in much more clear-cut terms, like that card, so that people can understand that the way they are treating these secondaries is wrong. Just flat wrong.
If you can't handle treating the other person with the same respect and dignity you do yourself; then get OUT of polyamorous relationships.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #204  
Old 02-09-2011, 11:19 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,411
Default

I realize that primary/secondary can be really complicated and fluid. But it seems to this newbie that it boils down to:

1. Know yourself as well as you can.
2. Treat others as you want to be treated;

and the golden rule's corollary -

3. Don't be an asshole.
Reply With Quote
  #205  
Old 02-09-2011, 11:46 PM
catspaw00tng catspaw00tng is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Default

Hi to you all,

Turns out on top of my relationship issues, I have pneumonia, so I've been a little out of my head, but I wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded.

I had a good conversation with my SO and his wife, and I think we made a good start towards working things out. There was, however, a lot of... I'm not sure how to put it, actually. They both described this glowing, rosy picture of How Things Will Be, but with no real plan on how to get there. I was dismayed at how much time they spent on telling me, over and over (4 times), how they were married and how they'd committed in front of their friends and community, and that kind of relationship commitment takes time. I think they were trying to be reassuring? I hope so, anyway. The end result is that they both agreed to work with me and the three of us will try to come to some sort of relationship equilibrium.

My life is really upside down at the moment, and spinning out of control. I am really glad I found this site, and worked up the courage to ask a question. I'm sure I'll have more as time goes on. Thanks again to you all. It's nice to know I'm not the only one...

-Cat
Reply With Quote
  #206  
Old 02-10-2011, 12:09 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,042
Default

Quote:
I will be dumped if I become inconvenient
I will be dumped if I ask to be treated with the same respect as your other partner
I will be dumped if another partner requests it, regardless of the reason
I will be dumped if I am seen as a threat by anyone else.
Those all happened to me, in my attempts to ethically form relationships with poly married men. Oh, and this.

Quote:
My wife left me when I started a relationship with you, even though she was fine with my previous gf of 3 years. Fuck me now. Oh, it's only our 3rd date? No, I don't want a bj.
One week later:

Quote:
No, I can't see you anymore. All I can think about is group sex.
And from the other guy:

Quote:
I know I told you I was poly, and I know I told you my wife and I were breaking up, but we are back together now and she'll only let me have casual sex with other guys.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
I am in a somewhat new relationship with Luka
Reply With Quote
  #207  
Old 02-10-2011, 12:32 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,496
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Those all happened to me, in my attempts to ethically form relationships with poly married men.
And that would be precisely why I bring it up.

"We" (a collective someone) like to think that this shit doesn't happen, but it does.
I've seen Maca try to put into place rules that would have caused GG to be treated this way, when Maca was struggling.

It's something we all need to think about.

When we're defining our relationships, what "works" what doesn't work, we need to remember we're talking about people, ALL of the people, not just "the two of us".

I have to commend Mono for starting a thread inquiring as to whether the limits/suggestions/offers he was making in his dynamic with RP were reasonable/functional/acceptable... he was opening up the view to see that it's important for ALL of us to do this.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #208  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:45 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,648
Default

That tacit post made me sad... I have known of couples that think this way. I have read their stories here in fact.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #209  
Old 02-10-2011, 04:32 PM
Lemondrop's Avatar
Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Again though..this card has to be a joke
Sort of, Mono...it came out of a conversation they were having on Polyfamilies about bad experiences people have had as secondaries.
Reply With Quote
  #210  
Old 09-03-2011, 03:08 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,896
Default

I'm reposting the below here. It was originally posted in another thread, but I think it is a useful contribution to this one.

===

I'm one of those poly folks for whom casual sex has very, very, very little attraction. On a scale of one to ten, I think my interest in casual sex is a -2 (minus two). However, although I despise relationship ranking systems (e.g., "primary, secondary, tertiary), I'm quite curious about the possibility of forming loving relationship which includes sexual intimacy while being in some respects less involving than it is with others. I think I can do this without ranking simply by not using a ranking system, and just by allowing things to unfold naturally and honestly.

For me, when there is sexual / physical intimacy, my heart is always involved. And I'm glad for this and think this is as it should be. - - - I'm still in the "figuring it out" phase of exploration about how my needs and commitments are shaped. I feel as though I can have two, ... at max three full on partners. Two seems plenty! But I might like to share deep intimacy (with sexual possibilities) outside of my full-on partner arrangement/s. And I want to have this freedom without having to rank people -- which I can do simply by not ranking them. (And, of course, I'd only engage in these other relations when it was safe and good and healthy for me AND my partner/s.)


===

Edit:

Adding to this....

I don't like ranking systems because they tend to rank people in terms of value, or subtly imply value ranking, and I find this -- for me! -- unloving.

I don't need to simply reframe ranking systems (e.g., primary, secondary, tertiary) from a value ranking system to some other frame (e.g., level of: commitment, involvement, etc...), because the whole thing can be handled simply by being honest, direct and clear with whomever I'm involved. Let's say I have two full-on partners, and two feels like a max for me, but I have a very dear friend/companion with whom I'd like to share physical intimacy. I can just say so. It would be loving intimacy. I'd not be ranking people, I'd be loving all of us.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog

Last edited by River; 09-03-2011 at 03:16 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boyfriends, definitions, defintions, descriptions, equality, equanimity, family, girlfriends, hierarchy, importance, labeling, new dynamics, new relationships, poly singles, prescriptions, primaries, primary, primary/secondary, relationship dynamics, relationships, secondaries, secondary, terminology, unicorn

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:59 PM.