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  #191  
Old 02-06-2011, 10:08 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I wonder how often this happens. The couple is trying to play nice. Not use prescriptive terms like secondary and primary in order to have things feel even.

However in the end. Time, energy, life and the relationship make it VERY primary.

Anyone involved with me will be a secondary. Not necessarily in love, but absolutely in life.
I seriously doubt that you're telling new partners that there's no such thing as primary/secondary and then tossing them for a loop later with an announcement that they are, indeed, secondary. I have no objection to the description of a spouse/ long-time cohabiting partner as a primary (my wife is my primary in that fashion), I object to the game playing.
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  #192  
Old 02-07-2011, 12:58 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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For me (being the odd ball) it's not so simple as Ari's example of his life.

Because GG and I've had a deep relationship for 18 years.
Maca and I've been together 13.

I married Maca-by the "time" one would say GG was primary. By the marriage one would say Maca was primary.
I have a daughter.
Maca has a son.
We have a son.
Maca and I have a daughter who is biologically GG's-
so I have NO idea how one would divy out THAT to decide primary.

Both of them work full time-they both put all of their income into the household expenses; I stay at home full time... so there's no divvy'ing out primary there either.

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  #193  
Old 02-07-2011, 01:14 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
For me (being the odd ball) it's not so simple as Ari's example of his life.
Keeping in mind I accept time can change things. In fact I could see that happening under the right circumstances. I just have to meet the person who would enjoy being in my life in that way.

For me its like dating, I figure.

I date someone
they become gf
we become serious...in a relationship
engaged
married

obviously. that doesn't work in the reality of poly...but thats my thinking. Someone just doesn't walk into my life and get married...hahaha

If I had been dating/in a relationship/married to two people over the long haul, I am sure primary/secondary would lose any real value in using.
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  #194  
Old 02-07-2011, 02:45 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Absolultely Ari!

It took both guys time to earn a place in my life.
It may be easy to get in my heart, but to get into my "Inner life", you gotta earn it.

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  #195  
Old 02-08-2011, 11:20 PM
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I found this on
http://tacit.livejournal.com/
in the January 26th, 2011 post. I think it makes the point, quite clear.



Polyamorous Secondary Relationship Card
Thank you for your interest in allowing me to join your relationship as a secondary. To help me understanding your needs, goals, and intentions and best evaluate your offer, please fill out this card. As a “secondary” partner, I may expect that (check all that apply):
I will be dumped if I become inconvenient
I will be dumped if I ask to be treated with the same respect as your other partner
I will be dumped if I become pregnant
I will be dumped if I say the word “love” in a romantic context
I will be dumped if another partner requests it, regardless of the reason
I will be dumped if I am seen as a threat by anyone else
I will not be invited to family vacations or holiday events
I will be dumped if I get a boyfriend or girlfriend of my own
I will be required to keep the relationship secret from your family, friends, or others
Other (specify): __________________________________________________ __________
Concept: Edward Martin Implementation: Franklin Veaux
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  #196  
Old 02-09-2011, 02:21 AM
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Here I am, sticking my nose in...I tried to keep my mouth shut, but...

That card gets my back up. It makes it sound like anyone who uses the word "secondary" is out to hurt someone. Yes, I'm a secondary. Yes, I have secondaries. Do I intend to hurt them? No. Do they intend to hurt me? I don't think so, and if I did I wouldn't stick around. But do I know for a fact that if a situation came up where they had to choose between me and their primary relationship, they would choose the primary? Of course! I absolutely don't think they would intend to hurt me, but there are going to be situations where the family comes first. I trust that they are going to commit themselves to finding solutions that don't hurt me if at all possible.

Let's face it, there is no real security in any relationship. I've had primary/monogamous relationships yanked out from under me suddenly for no apparent reason. The real thing you need to look for in a relationship is trust: Can you trust your partner and metamour to be mature, considerate, and thoughtful of your feelings?
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  #197  
Old 02-09-2011, 02:54 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Lemondrop-
I happen to agree that the truth of being a secondary doesn't have to mean all of those things.
HOWEVER-it is something for those of us who are "primary" to consider when we are looking at what is "fair" and "reasonable" for us to "dictate" in regards to our S.O.'s secondary.

What I mean is this-Maca's girlfriend would functionally be secondary. But, does that mean that she shouldn't be treated with the respect and love and care that I do? Of course not.
As a person she deserves those things and therefore, I need to ensure that my limitations don't make it impossible for her to have them within the dynamic of their relationship, even if it is "secondary" to ours.



I'm glad someone opted to speak out that it doesn't have to be that way-I hope the conversation continues. I think it's good for all of us to consider from multiple perspectives.

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  #198  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:51 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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I waffled over apologizing. I'm sorry if I came off too mean. I think I've been surrounded by too many One True Wayists lately and I think I'm starting to feel a little prickly.

Bottom line, I guess, is be as kind as you are able.
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  #199  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:21 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Don't apologize m'dear!
I was smiling becuase you replied in the first place!
I know it's difficult for you to disagree in the first place.

You did a kick butt job of making a good point.
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  #200  
Old 02-09-2011, 04:29 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Hey Lemondrop, I was going to say pretty much the same thing. I've just been dealing with work stuff tonight and hadn't gotten around to it yet. Secondary=/=Disposable in my world. I don't think I'd be ok with being "secondary" to someone who gave me the impression that I was disposable either.
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