Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 01-20-2010, 06:12 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Everyone has valid points and I love the diversity of respons!
I just keep things simple. Frankly I don't care what people use to describe their dynamic. Internally I like to classify things so in my mind they get classified and placed in a hierarchal structure. I don't voice it...but I think it so it makes sense to me.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 01-20-2010, 06:26 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I can only answer this question in the theoretical sense as I've never been in this position. I think if I were to not have a 'primary' relationship I might enjoy being a secondary to 2 or 3 people (at least for a while). It seems to me that in that role when I was with my SO's it would be all about 'us' without all the day to day stuff that gets in the way of truly focusing on being together.

-Derby
Oh that there could be more of you Derby !<chuckle>
Can we clone you ? <kidding>

I've always felt that it's a better way to strive for independence on an individual level (physical, emotional) and that if you can achieve that then when someone else comes into your life it's just that much more of an addition rather than a dependence. We're all successful at that to varying degrees but I feel we're better to continue working towards it even within a relationship. There are enough outside factors that try to hinder that as it is without us contributing to that hindrance.


GS
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 01-20-2010, 06:32 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,604
Talking

If you find a way to clone me let me know, I could sure use a couple to fit everything in
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 02-09-2010, 10:10 AM
amaranth amaranth is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Oxford, England
Posts: 11
Default Primaries, secondaries, other terms....

Hi guys,

I was just wondering - does anyone else HATE terms like Primary and Secondary as much as I do??

It partly stems, for me, from a bad past experience of essentially being told "you're only the secondary - I'll spend time with you when I can be bothered. Until then, clear off." To me, it just sounds like it means "less important."

So do you like these terms? Do you use them to describe your relationships? If not, which words do you use?

These days I just refer to xmakina as "my fiance" and N as my "boyfriend/partner." People I see casually I usually just refer to as "my friend," or sometimes FWB depending who I am talking to. I also rather like the phrase coined by my friend J, "friends.... etc."

So how do you define your relationships? How do you differentiate between them when explaining your situation, if at all?

Love xx
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 02-09-2010, 01:47 PM
Ravenesque's Avatar
Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 297
Default

Oh you so rock. I completely agree. I don't use these terms. I prefer a non-hierarchical approach to polyamory.

These words are steeped in negative connotations of gold medal, silver medal, first place, second place for me. I would not want to make anyone feel lesser than by using them. The claims that these terms make it easier don't gel for me and I've encountered many at different stages in their poly lives who don't use the words or who use the words completely differently from what others think they should be used. An example is having primaries who do not share the household with you etc.

Descriptive terms about my relationships are what I prefer when it comes to differentiating. I like the words 'loves' and 'lovers.' I like sappy terms like 'nesting' to describe the living dynamic between me and my love as well. Boyfriend and girlfriend are fine. FWB is fine. It all depends on what I feel. I had a conversation with someone yesterday evening about the term "beau" and its newer version "boo." I just cringe at both to be honest.

In general, I prefer words that describe what we feel we are to each other and what we do together.

~Raven~
__________________
Are you a polyamorist or non-monogamous individual between the ages 18-35? Are you located in New York State or the Northeast?
Join us at The Network, a social and socially aware network which connects young polys and progressive polys of all ages.



~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~

Last edited by Ravenesque; 02-09-2010 at 04:41 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 02-09-2010, 02:55 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenesque View Post
.... These words are steeped in negative connotations of gold medal, silver medal, first place, second place for me.
I agree totally with Raven here.
And I think that if there were some way to do a poll, that the VAST majority of poly folk would agree that they wouldn't use these terms amongst their group because of the possible negative connotations.
These terms only (or primarily) seem to surface in discussion groups, written essays etc, and like so many other terms are just labels used in pursuit of brevity. And there are cases where they absolutely can be an accurate description of a current dynamic. But I suspect most would wish it otherwise even if the description is accurate.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 02-09-2010, 03:20 PM
msskellington msskellington is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 17
Default

I really hate these terms too. A and I have a family, so of course our family comes first, but V is no less important.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-09-2010, 04:27 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

You are going to find different opinions on this one, some quite heated and vigorous (you are seeing signs of this already in this thread).

Some object to the terms utterly and refuse to use them, and have issues with anybody using them. some are ok with them being used to describe the relationship configuration, but not prescribe it, and others are quite happy to use it to prescribe what should happen.

Personally, I fall in the middle camp - if it is used to describe the practicalities of a relationship configuration (primaries are people you live with, secondaries are people you don't live with) then it's ok - but as soon as it is used as "but you're my secondary, therefore you can't move in with us" then I have a major problem. I also don't believe in using it to come up with some "hierarchy of affection", either - that's horrible, in my opinion. Franlin wrote an article on this somewhere but I can't seem to find it.

I tend to avoid the terms completely, only using it when it is necessary to get very specific about describing a current relationship configuration. I won't refer to any of my partners as "my primary" or "my secondary" - just don't like the terms at all in that context.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 02-09-2010, 04:41 PM
xmakina's Avatar
xmakina xmakina is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Oxford
Posts: 13
Default

I think I'm going to agree with CielDuMatin.

Whilst the actual wording is to be considered, the much more overriding factor is context and delivery.

Calling someone your primary/secondary makes for a quick and easy way to convey your set up with two people. Most poly people know that a primary is usually someone you live with/are committed to in more ways than just dating (living arrangements, marriage, fluid bonded etc.) whilst a secondary is usually someone you are only dating.

Using the terms in a degrading, hierarchical way, however, is pretty awful. As has been quoted already "You're only a secondary" is, to me, a sentence that will get someone dumped faster than a sack of lead bricks.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-09-2010, 04:48 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Oh it's quite possible to have a fluid bond with a secondary - I know of several people that do it - especially in what is generally known as polifidelitous setups where they don't all live together.

Sorry - I know that was a bit nitpicky, but I have learned that just when you imagine how things are you meet a relationship that throws it all in the air again! I love poly for that reason - there's no one "right" way to do it, and those different ways are celebrated by the community at large.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boyfriends, definitions, defintions, descriptions, equality, equanimity, family, girlfriends, hierarchy, importance, labeling, new dynamics, new relationships, poly singles, prescriptions, primaries, primary, primary/secondary, relationship dynamics, relationships, secondaries, secondary, terminology, unicorn

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:45 AM.