Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 04-17-2012, 04:13 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 849
Default

I am pretty evenly matched between "Quality Time" and "Physical Touch", my partner is almost the same between touch and "Words of Affirmation" (although he's a bit higher in "Words"). After a long marriage where my husband didn't like much touching unless it was a means to an end (sigh), it is WONDERFUL to have the touch on such a casual, everyday basis.

The only thing is, when one is missing ("Quality Time"), the touch tends to be missing as well, and when he's with his OSO for any great length of time, I start getting REEEEAL tetchy. Doesn't help that I'm mono and don't have another outlet for my time/touch needs unless my kids are here and all snuggly.

With my marriage, it went on a LONG time (more than 15 years) without the "touch" need met, but we had "time" in spades... that really did help, but it still felt empty by the time we finally acknowledged it was over.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-18-2012, 12:28 AM
Alleycat's Avatar
Alleycat Alleycat is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 78
Default

I'm a physical contact junkie.
I love being touched, and I have a strong tenancy to utilise touch as an expression of affection.

With my wife she has a few fairly specific types of physical attention she requires and enjoys, giving or receiving, and these are constant, public or private, however she also has a short list of things she really hates (doesn't like her hair being played with, at all!)

Contrasting with another lady I've become involved with again, she's a full contact cuddler, extremely reactive to receiving all kinds of touch, as well as giving, except when in public however, in which case she prefers all public displays of affection (physically speaking) be minimal for the most part.

Contrasting further with the lady my wife is getting involved with, She is very affectionate physically all around, big fan of giving neck and back rubs and cuddling up, but its often very casual without erotic overtones to it, which is to say its friendly contact more so than "sexy" contact.

Between the 4 of us, its 4 very different levels and preferences when it comes to touch, takes a bit to navigate everyones contact-language and needs.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-18-2012, 12:42 AM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 34
Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
So, I'm wondering about anyone else's experiences with mis-matching desires for touch? Do you think relationships can go long when it's mismatched?
I am, and always have been a kinesthetic hoar.
{Kinesthetic learning is a learning style in which learning takes place by the student actually carrying out a physical activity, rather than listening to a lecture or merely watching a demonstration. It is also referred to as tactile learning. People with a kinesthetic learning style are also commonly known as do-ers.}

I love to touch!
A major mis-match in my 25 year relationship with the man I married, is that he is touch-averse. (Not fully disclosed/discovered until after we were married.) My desire to touch the hubby and being rejected for my main way of expression did affected my self-esteem, but not nearly as much as the emotional abuse, Yet, I believe if it were not for the multitude of other issues for our relationship, this would have not been a deal-breaker in itself.

My friends are touchers, my son even still hugs me at 20yo, and I found a career in massage therapy where I can provide safe, non-sexual touch to my heart's content.

My current partner loves to be touched. I call him a "nerve stroke junkie." We find ourselves holding hands without thinking about it. He asks me to "pet" him. I can fall asleep stroking his back. I am in pure heaven.
I have to laugh, because he often comments he feels guilty that he does not touch me as much or as skillfully; but my touch and expression being loved, accepted and even sought out is absolute bliss to me. I think I'll keep him!
(Just need more time together in person to touch him, dammit!!!!)

I guess, for me anyway, to touch means more than being touched back, though I really do like that too.

Precious
currently Mono to my poly Sunshine
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 04-18-2012, 12:51 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 849
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Precious1 View Post
I guess, for me anyway, to touch means more than being touched back, though I really do like that too.
Absolutely... All I really got to do with my ex was scruffle his head every so often. Touching his face was RIGHT OUT. Very, very different ways of expressing love, and it did feel like a rejection. Not the only reason for the dissolution of our marriage, but once the disconnect got to be too large, that really didn't help.

And now I get to DO the touching as well as BE touched. Absolutely love it.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 04-18-2012, 05:36 AM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 696
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Precious1 View Post
I am, and always have been a kinesthetic hoar.
meeeee tooooo
(I'm also very kinesthetic, but I have high synesthesia)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Precious1 View Post
... but my touch and expression being loved, accepted and even sought out is absolute bliss to me.
...
I guess, for me anyway, to touch means more than being touched back, though I really do like that too.
I was so surprised to learn that about me too! It's the being able to touch. I like to be touched, but I'm often satisfied easily and then I need to breathe or move or whatever. It's about that he always leans into my touch for more that is so very satisfying to me.

I can just put feet my in his lap and get an absent-minded rub (which is so much more awesome than many folk's intentional rubs) without even asking. He likes to fiddle with his hands, and it matters not if it's a toy or my feet. !
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-18-2012, 05:44 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
hi all,

I was reading on another thread that opalescent's partner had to learn that touching as much as she wanted was sometimes irritating. And it hits home. Hard.

So, I'm wondering about anyone else's experiences with mis-matching desires for touch? Do you think relationships can go long when it's mismatched?

One of my partners, I asked him 'do you know I love you?' 'yes' 'how?' 'because you touch me' (that was long before I knew about the love languages)

The other one only wants touch when he wants it, and then only briefly. He's good for a pat, or a few strokes of his hair (he has gorgeous hair), and then he's done. When we were mono, it became very painful for me. I am more able to tolerate it now, and I'm able to touch him less. In part, because I know I can fulfill all that with the other, who leans into any touch; even in his sleep.
I was with a man who was finicky about touch. Most of the time he was fine and generous with it; but there were times when he didn't want to be touched. I knew he wasn't rejecting me (often it was more that he had spells of feeling overstimulated), but I always felt I had to read his mood to determine if it was okay for me to touch him. Still we were together until he died.

Then I met a man who was just as prone to touch as I am. Enjoys giving touch and being touched ~ 24/7 Oh my, what a difference. Simply speaking it was one of the most fulfilling relationships I've ever experienced (didn't hurt that our minds melded equally well).

(Sadly, that was a triadic situation in which after full commitment to the triad, his wife changed her mind and we are no longer together. Unfortunately, his wife often tends to reject being touched, so he's back in the boat he was before he met me.)

I now know that any relationship I have in the future will need to have this component in full.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 04-18-2012, 07:58 AM
urmila urmila is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: chennai, India
Posts: 56
Default

touch is theessential component of love. I cant imagine myself sitting next to my love without our bodies touching each other , at least our hands will be on each other
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 04-18-2012, 08:46 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

My s/o loves to touch, so I'm sure if he took the test that would be his main thing, while mine is not. I can go for days without. He's teased me about throwing his arm off me during sleep and all I could counter with was, "Well, you know it's not comfortable for me and all that" because it really isn't. I noticed that with my ex too. It was nice for a little while and then I always had the urge to take his arm off and get comfy.

I think a relationship can go long even if you're mismatched in that sense but it literally takes honest communication and some effort on the parts of everyone involved. I know I have work to do in that respect, because it's important to him. That's how he feels loved. I never want him to feel any other way.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 04-18-2012, 11:14 AM
StarTeddy's Avatar
StarTeddy StarTeddy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 55
Default

I'm a very touchy person, it's my main love language. I don't know what I'd do if someone I was dating didn't like being touched. I'd feel lonely and rejected. In fact, it might never get to that point at all if I was constantly refused physical contact.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 04-18-2012, 11:30 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 106
Default

I am a very huggy person, and my wife likes some touching. However my GF really likes to be touched. When we sleep together we might as well be tied together all tangled up. If one of us wakes up, you know kinda partially, and we happen to be apart , zap we fall back together.

My wife has a very sensitive scalp and I don't touch her hair much, however my GF really likes to have her hair brushed. Well lo and behold all of a sudden my wife is asking me once in a while to brush her hair ( gently of course ).

When my GF and I are together we are touching all the time,her husband (mybf) doesn't do much touch,although he is slowly coming around a bit.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
love languages, touch

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:59 AM.