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Old 04-17-2012, 03:41 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Default Love Languages - touch

hi all,

I was reading on another thread that opalescent's partner had to learn that touching as much as she wanted was sometimes irritating. And it hits home. Hard.

So, I'm wondering about anyone else's experiences with mis-matching desires for touch? Do you think relationships can go long when it's mismatched?

One of my partners, I asked him 'do you know I love you?' 'yes' 'how?' 'because you touch me' (that was long before I knew about the love languages)

The other one only wants touch when he wants it, and then only briefly. He's good for a pat, or a few strokes of his hair (he has gorgeous hair), and then he's done. When we were mono, it became very painful for me. I am more able to tolerate it now, and I'm able to touch him less. In part, because I know I can fulfill all that with the other, who leans into any touch; even in his sleep.
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Old 04-17-2012, 03:52 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Katie and I have been together 5 years. I can't remember the last time I've gone a day without touching her multiple times. She gets so frustrated with it because she is not a touchy person and I will literally cuddle and hug and hold forever. She just wants brief bugs and kisses. She's been attempting to be more tolerant lately and I've gotten a lot of couch cuddle TV time as a result. Yay!

Give me someone I can treat as a giant teddy bear and I am content.
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Old 04-17-2012, 04:09 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Keith and I have been talking about this lately... He has been VERY touchy feely lately and it has been driving me CRAZY. I knew it would be his primary love language, so I made him take the assessment the other day and lo and behold... It was far above the others.

I have control issues. To the extent I should probably examine why they're there, but that's another issue... I can't stand to not have the freedom to move about as I wish - which isn't possible when you're lying next to someone who wants to have both arms around you as well as legs intertwined and heads leaning together. Since taking the assessment and becoming aware of why touch is important to him and realizing that it's not the same for me AT ALL, we've been able to balance pretty well.

Luckily, my main love language is quality time, so the two work together pretty well when you're aware of what's going on. I get to have his focus on me while we do things together, and I just have to make sure we're holding hands, he has his arm around me, I'm holding on to his arm as we walk, or something like that and we are both fulfilled.

@November - I personally don't really like people touching me around the face, I can stand to have someone play with my hair when I'm in the mood, but other than that.. I would rather pretty much to be left alone (kind of sounds like your partner). I have however found that when we are just sitting around reading, watching tv, or something like that, I can have my legs on him without it bothering me at all (he sits on one side of the couch, I sit on the other and spread out so my legs/feet are propped on his lap). He gets his sense of touch, I get my sense of space. Maybe something like that could work for you two?
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Old 04-17-2012, 04:10 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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MrS doesn't tolerate much touching. A few pettings of his gorgeous long curly hair when he has it (he shaved it all on Friday...and the Penguins still lost!) or a quick kiss/hug are about it. Doesn't like much contact when he is sleeping. I need more touch than that - so when I need contact I go stand beside him when he is on the computer and he leans his head against my belly...and I know I am loved without smothering him.

Dude, on the other hand, is VERY needy in the touch department - always wants to cuddle, kiss, hug forEVER, watch TV with his head in my lap and sleep all in a tangled heap. (One of my favorite of our poly quotes arose from this http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...542#post124542) Sometimes I have to tell him he is stealing my air and he has to be satisfied cuddling my legs for a bit so I can breath.

We learn each other's languages and try to adjust...

JaneQ
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Old 04-17-2012, 04:37 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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thanks y'all

I do much better now that I'm aware of it. It was just interesting the last time we slept together...we don't do that terribly well together. I am often restless because of the pain, and he sleeps light because he's not accustomed to sharing a bed. But I was trying to snuggle and pet him, and it just irritated him instead of soothing. But now I know not to do that. However, he's perfectly content to fall asleep smashed together. Note to self: no petting in the sleep.

I used to have a lover that wanted to sleep with me like a teddy bear, my nose smashed into his sternum. It was occasionally a challenge to breathe, but I sort of liked it.

km, I used to not be able to tolerate touching on my neck ~ I had an incident in toddlerhood of someone holding me down by my throat. Now I can barely stand fabric at my throat, but I think that's more due to my physical condition. I used to love turtlenecks (now too hot, plus the whole choking feeling). But the touch is fine (not that many folks touch there!) Was interesting to get over.
Don't even think about touching my belly button. (oh we've had stupid fights about *that*)(I know he thinks I'm holding it back from him to be spiteful, but if he touches it the mood is so far gone as not to return)
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and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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Old 04-17-2012, 04:38 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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lol, JaneQ, I've actually told that story! I love it too!
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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Old 04-17-2012, 06:09 AM
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Sward is of the physical touch department. Big time. I like touch, but only in a special way most of the time: passive and calming is great, actively gong all out with touching and caressing and such easily gets on my nerves. I like lying together in front of the TV or just cuddled together for sleep or a quick stroke here or there over the day, but I hate it when I have to concentrate on the touch all the time it takes place. And Sward is a master at making yourself aware of the fact that he is touching you right now.

The hardest part is always when we sit down to eat. If we haven't had the chance to see each other over the day till that point, he is all over me. And I hate being interrupted when I eat (food is my third lover, in a way, I love eating ). There have been some serious hurt feelings on Sward's side and unnerving moments on mine when this happens. When I concentrate on my food, everyone asking physical attention of me feels like an intruder on my quality time with my dinner. Sounds strange but that is the case.

I am a quality time person, as well as a physical touch one. But it seems that my taste concerning the appropriate touch is quite special. I am well matched with Lin in that regard and have to look out for Sward getting enough touchy times even though I may be not in the best mood for it sometimes. But as already mentioned, those two go well with each other and I get my quality time as well while getting into the situation of touch with Daddy Bear So everything works out most of the time.
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Old 04-17-2012, 06:19 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Don't even think about touching my belly button. (oh we've had stupid fights about *that*)
OH! I'm the same way! I hate that. My ex never could understand why I'd slap him away from my belly-button. Stay away, I mean it! I don't know why, I just hate the feeling. Ewww. And TOUCH is my most prominent love language, so go figure.

My sister is the same way about her belly-button, ever since she was a little girl and saw the Three Stooges episode where someone sticks a beach umbrella into Curly's belly (he was under the sand). You can't go near her - she'll scream and kick.
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:08 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I used to not be able to tolerate touching on my neck ~ I had an incident in toddlerhood of someone holding me down by my throat. Now I can barely stand fabric at my throat, but I think that's more due to my physical condition. I used to love turtlenecks (now too hot, plus the whole choking feeling). But the touch is fine (not that many folks touch there!)
I don't know where it comes from, but I really don't like having (the front of) my neck touched. I can't wear necklaces that are short, let alone a choker (not that I wear jewelry often). Can't wear turtlenecks (or even mock turtlenecks, or any high neckline at all that isn't very stretchy) - spend the whole day tugging at my neckline.

Dude and I will be spooning on the couch watching TV and he will be absentmindedly stroking my arm, boob, ear, jaw...gets to my neck - "Aaack!" - and I jump up off the couch.

Dude, and VV now that I think of it, sometimes enjoy being choked lightly during sex play (which I can accomodate) and have apparently had previous partners that also liked this (not me). Doesn't freak me out now - but I had to learn how to re-direct them without breaking flow. Again adjustments...

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Don't even think about touching my belly button. (oh we've had stupid fights about *that*)(I know he thinks I'm holding it back from him to be spiteful, but if he touches it the mood is so far gone as not to return)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
OH! I'm the same way! I hate that. My ex never could understand why I'd slap him away from my belly-button. Stay away, I mean it! I don't know why, I just hate the feeling. Ewww. And TOUCH is my most prominent love language, so go figure.

My sister is the same way about her belly-button, ever since she was a little girl and saw the Three Stooges episode where someone sticks a beach umbrella into Curly's belly (he was under the sand). You can't go near her - she'll scream and kick.
Sounds like this is fairly common! I squirm just thinking about someone thinking about touching my belly button. My reaction here can be involuntarily violent as I attempt to defend my naval. For some reason this ends up coming up in conversation (MrS, I'm looking at you!) when we are all hanging out, drinking, talking. Moving day a few years ago Dude and MrClean playfully (and drunkenly) decided that they were going to test this and proceeded to try to carry me off out of the garage. MrS warned them that I could not be trusted to control my defense reflexes in this regard (he was a recipient of an involuntary knee to the 'nads back in college). Final outcome was that I single-handedly (literally, ONE hand) moved an upright freezer about 2 1/2 feet as I grabbed on in an attempt to resist an anticipated belly-button-touching. Took 3 guys to put it back in place.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 04:28 AM.
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:34 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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I am all about the snuggling. During summer when it gets too hot, then it's tough. Winter on the other hand, I can't get enough. One of my pet names for the ladylove is "snuggle-up-against" similar to "snuffleuffagus" fron sesamie street I suppose.

when taking the love test, I scored three times higher in touch than any other category.

touch makes me happy.
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