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  #1  
Old 04-16-2012, 11:17 AM
insanity insanity is offline
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Default Just want to vent.

I feel like I am flooding the forum sometimes with my vents..
But I really like the replies.. it keeps me from going crazy really.

Replies here helped me a lot, I can now speak more directly of what I want and less beat around the bush..

But still, I feel stuck. I know only time can tell, but honestly I don't know anymore...

I can see my boyfriend is strying to be nice to me about the subject since he sees in how much stress I am and how depressed it makes me.
But I don't think he is getting the whole message I am trying to tell him, or maybe he is in some sort of a denial I don't know.

He doesn't really get/understand that I want a relationship with that girl, only me without him being involved only as a friend when we go out or whatever because we do have fun time together (but the talk isn't about that now).
He thinks that she should be for the both of us for sex even thought he isn't even intrested in her that way and he knows she isn't interested in him that way, he just keeps saying it, to give me the feeling that sex with others is ok, relatuionships and feelings isn't/
He keeps saying we should do everything together like we always did, and I tell him that people change in time and doing different things not together is not bad at all...

I know that he is afraid that I don't love him or something, but I do everything for him, I still want to get married, don't want to cancel the wedding (in a whole don't want to, sometimes when I am really down I want to like, run away from everbod, but that's not a good plan anyway)
I understand he is afraid and all that, but it is like he isn't even giving it a chance to see things from m point of view.

He asked if I can make a chice, him or her and I can
I honestly can't.
And I don't think I should...

Theresome other weird things going on in my life, something about my job and my anxiet/depresion problems it feels like everthing is falling on me and while other things are not up to him
why he won't he do something for me.. he will never think of talking to my friends who has this kind of relationship and ask them what it is like, he would never think of maybe searching for groups online or whatever...
I know he is really trying, I can see that in some things that he does but it is SO not enough.
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  #2  
Old 04-16-2012, 01:08 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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While I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with what you want, it strikes me that you are almost unilaterally changing the rules under which the two of you have operated. He's got to being feeling both excluded and rejected.

If you both had decided to pursue separate outside relationships, I could understand your confusion. However, it appears to me that you decided on outside relationship that does not include him, and you expect him to be fine with it. I wouldn't be fine with it under those circumstances. I suspect were the circumstances reversed, you wouldn't be fine with it either.
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  #3  
Old 04-16-2012, 05:11 PM
Nighthorse Nighthorse is offline
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Angry Asking for what you want

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that your boyfriend has nothing to do with. He should not assume the people you date will have sex with him. If that is what he thought this relationship style was--a chance for him to have a threesome--then he did not understand this relationship style at all. Your relationship with your girlfriend is not about him--end of story!

Some relationships are like that--three people together--but that is not something someone can assume for someone else. The world does not revolve around penises, and women are not commodities or toys. Your boyfriend should respect your desire to be an independent sexual agent.

Him wanting your girlfriend to be his unicorn does not make it so. If she's got no interest, tell him to keep it in his pants and find his own girlfriend. If he wants to add a unicorn to the relationship, it has to be done consensually.

Sorry if this sounds ranty, but male privilege has been on my mind a lot lately, especially when I see the forums full of unicorn-hunting posts.
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  #4  
Old 04-16-2012, 06:35 PM
insanity insanity is offline
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Well it all started from a threesome, and we all enjoyed it verymuch but that as before feelings kicked in.. therefore he still thinks it is for sex.
He has a problem that I have feelings for her... hard for him to except that..

He doesn't want a relationship with anyone else (although he asked what I'd feel\think, I said if it was with someone same gender as him it would be totally fine, of course as long as he still loved me)
He believes in sex (or, I should probably say bdsm) outside of relationship and I let him do that, I see how happy it makes him, at first it was hard for me too, but I did some thinking and no it is totally fine with me. After he saw that it is fine with me he sometimes says that he doesn't even like that... hoping I'd give up on what I want... :\
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  #5  
Old 04-17-2012, 03:05 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Just curious, you say you'd be ok with him having a relationship with someone of his same gender -- is he bi?

Ultimately this is a fairly straightforward situation, and it really should be resolved before the wedding. Is he ok with you having a meaningful relationship (not just sex, not just threesomes) with someone who isn't him? Are you ok with not having any other meaningful relationships (beyond sex and threesomes) with anyone but him? If the answer to both questions is "no", there is a fundamental incompatability here and someone is going to have to compromise or else you guys aren't going to work together.

Emotionally manipulating you and another woman into a threesome that he doesn't even want, because that's the only way you and she can see each other, or insisting that somehow you avoid developing feelings for people that you're involved with, when that's obviously not how you work, are NOT solutions. Going back to monogamy, opening up to real non-monogamy, or breaking up are.
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  #6  
Old 04-17-2012, 03:17 PM
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Bahalana Bahalana is offline
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I second bookbug.

It sounds as though you want to renegotiate your relationship but forgot to include him in the process. Or maybe the difficulty your finding in asking for what you want is because you know he doesn't agree.

Yep, sounds like typical female entitlement to me.
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  #7  
Old 04-17-2012, 05:11 PM
insanity insanity is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Just curious, you say you'd be ok with him having a relationship with someone of his same gender -- is he bi?

Ultimately this is a fairly straightforward situation, and it really should be resolved before the wedding. Is he ok with you having a meaningful relationship (not just sex, not just threesomes) with someone who isn't him? Are you ok with not having any other meaningful relationships (beyond sex and threesomes) with anyone but him? If the answer to both questions is "no", there is a fundamental incompatability here and someone is going to have to compromise or else you guys aren't going to work together.


Emotionally manipulating you and another woman into a threesome that he doesn't even want, because that's the only way you and she can see each other, or insisting that somehow you avoid developing feelings for people that you're involved with, when that's obviously not how you work, are NOT solutions. Going back to monogamy, opening up to real non-monogamy, or breaking up are.
As I said he is not seeking emotional relationship only bdsm things outside of other relationships and I let him, and he does stuff ith woman and men. He is not bi, he is bi-curios. as for meaningful relationships, IF he was looking for one I would be more ok if it was with a man (same gender), but if it as with a woman I could only answer that if it was for real and I knew who the talk is about... plus, I know I would be willing to work on it and not be stubborn like him.


For the first questions there is no answer really, he knows he is more than jut sex to me, he knows I really like her (I will continue the answer with answering the next paragraph, after I answer question number 2)
For the second question, no.

I am just talking it slow because if I do it like this "hi, I love her, she will be my gf" I personally think it is too much... he only 'pushes' the threesome (btw we all sometime shave it willingly) because he doesn't know any other.. ways work on his jealousy, and main reason for me posting here is to find how I can make him realize that there is no need for that..
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  #8  
Old 04-17-2012, 06:06 PM
insanity insanity is offline
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I just don't think it is a good idea to go straight forward and list my demands out of the blue to someone who never thought that things like that exist.

Thanks to this forum I am not beating around the bush anymore, but taking it slowly.
Of course I am making mistakes as I am lacking 'tools' which could help me deal with this situation.

Therefor I am frustrated.
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  #9  
Old 04-17-2012, 06:48 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by insanity;132968[I
]I just don't think it is a good idea to go straight forward and list my demands out of the blue[/I] to someone who never thought that things like that exist.

Thanks to this forum I am not beating around the bush anymore, but taking it slowly.
Of course I am making mistakes as I am lacking 'tools' which could help me deal with this situation.

Therefor I am frustrated.
My only question about the above - Is it going to be more hurtful to him in the long run if you hide the extent of your feelings/urges? Personally, hiding something as big as feeling LOVE for someone else is cheating. I understand not wanting to make demands, but if you already love this woman (and I'm not sure if you do or if you just know there's the possibility that you will) then he deserves to know. If it comes out 3, 6, 9 months from now that you've been in love with her the entire time and he's still not comfortable with it, what are you going to do?

Also, you say you don't want to be straight forward but then you're not beating around the bush anymore. Which is it? Are you beating around the bush trying to ease things in without being totally upfront or are you just putting it all out there to push through?

What tools would you like to have for the situation? From what I know, you have a whole group of people on this forum that are willing to help you through the transition while sharing their stories and experiences from when they have been through similar things. There is a whole list of reading material both online and in book form available to you if you are interested and willing to put the time into research. You have a boyfriend who at least at times is trying to understand what you're going through. Why not introduce him to the forum or to some of the recommended reading? Seeing that polyamory is realistic may help him understand what you're feeling.
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  #10  
Old 04-17-2012, 08:35 PM
insanity insanity is offline
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He knows I really like her and he is not entirely okay with that.

I wasn't beating around the bush anymore but delivering it to him lowly.

And then about an hour ago I just 'vomited' my feelings out, just before he had to go to his night shift.

I really love him and don't want to hurt him in any way.
But at the same time I can't delete my feelings, just can't!

So I called the hotline since bad thought crossed my mind.
The man there was somewhat familiar with polyamory (that was a good surprise)

Bf agreed for me to meet her 1-2 times a week, and that she sometimes can come sleep here.
Obviously it is not enough for me, but with time I can see that he shows signs of being more comfortable with the idea.

The man on the phone said that my bf is just a rare and a rare and a wonderful man for not leaving me right away but somehow trying to understand the problem.
I know that it is true, but I also know that he thinks that if I don't talk about something it doesn't exist.. I wish he could come and check out the polyamory world.

I can't make a decision,no matter what I just can't.

I think I am going to go with that I can see her few times a week and all that I wrote before and time ill tell..

I have no other idea what I can do.

Last edited by insanity; 04-18-2012 at 04:52 AM.
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