Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-16-2012, 06:03 AM
Maskofdj Maskofdj is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 10
Default Thanks

Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Hiya Maskofdj, welcome to polyamory.com

No need to be sorry. I'm not in your situation, so I'm afraid I don't have much 'pointers' to offer. Except to read a lot of what's already written in this forum.

I understand you're not feeling very accepted; I invite you to understand that the folks responding have heard your exact questions many hundreds of times already. Lots of them have been in your situation, either as the couple or the girl being searched for. Because they've been there, they know the hardships you face. They're trying to show you. If they had ways to get beyond it, believe me, they would have done it and they'd be all about sharing.

What they've done is walked through it; or, many here have held the hands and dried the tears of those who have walked through it.

Thank you and like we said I type fast so instead of saying we I type I

Like that doesn't make a unicorn hunter

Ya know??

Just new and getting our feet wet
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2012, 06:16 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 12,970

Hello Summer and David,
Welcome to our forum.

Sorry if we came across as a little critical; we mean you no harm, we just don't want anyone to get hurt.

If you go to the bottom of this page (on the right side), you'll see a "Forum Jump" menu. You can click on that menu and see a "Dating & Friendships" area. That might give you a place to start looking for what you are seeking.

Hopefully you'll find what you're looking for, but do bear in mind you're looking for something very specific, so it may take awhile to find that special someone (even though you're not necessarily asking her for a lengthy relationship; I understand that).

As for your fear that he will eventually develop deep feelings for the other woman that cause him to leave, you don't have to "just get over it," but you should talk about it with David. Maybe he's just not giving you the verbal reassurance you need. You mentioned that he has a hard time expressing his feelings.

Polyamory can be a complex lovestyle, and sometimes things turn out differently than how we envisioned them. That doesn't mean things have turned out badly, just that they've turned out (somewhat) differently.

Don't know if this helps a little; if you have some more questions just let me know.

With respects/regards,
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2012, 01:13 PM
PiperDown PiperDown is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: OKC, OK
Posts: 17

First of all, welcome! As a former unicorn hunter myself, I know what a struggle it can be. The problem is this: we are all human. It's very hard to find someone that a) fits your criteria, b) fits your husband's criteria, c) feels like both of you fit their criteria! In my own situation, my girlfriend isn't completely ideal (seeing as how she is already with someone else and isn't available to be an exclusive triad with us), and also because of her own likes/dislikes. My husband and I both like her personality, and we both enjoy dating her (and especially the intimate time that goes along with it), but she is and always has been more into women. So she tends to spend more time with me than with him. When you're searching for a girlfriend, I would suggest not narrowing yourselves too much, or you'll end up missing out on some great people and opportunities! As far as not feeling like he'll leave you for someone else... I would say that is the point where you two need to gauge just how polyamorous you really are. In my opinion, the whole point of polyamory is that you have the ability to love more than one person, so in essence, wouldn't that mean he would never feel the need to leave you for her? He could fall madly in love with her, but still be madly in love with you too.... that's the beauty of it. If you don't think he can do that, then maybe he isn't poly at all...
Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2012, 05:18 PM
Maskofdj Maskofdj is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 10
Default Wow I am truly impressed

I want to say thank you so much for the last two comments reading them gave us a different view on poly never really saw the side about loving more than one more person, I as his fiancee do believe he is capable of loving more than one person I just think it will take time as with any relationship. I think our problem is this also this is the first time we have had a name to the kinda of lifestyle we are seeking verse being swingers. As we both explore this lifestyle together, we are opening up to each other about everything. Most people in this have been very welcoming and have opened really up our eyes. Thank you!
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2012, 03:12 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Being a "Unicorn hunter" isn't right or wrong - it's what you want. The reality is that lots of folks have come on poly fora like this one, bemoaning the fact that they can't find anyone who is suitable - if you look around on here you will find several recent posts.

The main issue is that by having the stipulations that you have, you are are severely limiting the number of candidates for you - by needing her to be single, and enforcing the rule that she have a relationship with the both of you, you reduce the number of females that will even consider it.

Let me give you a few more things to think about, none of these are "tests" or right/wrong answers - they're here to help you sort out what you are looking for:
* Are you going to keep on doing things with your current partner alone once she is in your life?
* Are you going to allow her to go out on dates with just him. is he going to allow you to go out on dates with just you, or do things have to be done as a 3?
* What about sex? Must it always be the three of you? Or is it ok for you to be with your current partner, but not her alone with either of you?
* Is she going to live with you, or is she expected to keep her own place?
* What about fluid bonding? How would that work between you?
* Is this primarily about sex between you, or are you thinking of this as a full relationship?
* What about children? If she is single but has children, is that ok? What role would the two of you play with those children?
* If the relationships between her and each of you progress at different paces (she feels more for you than him, for example) - is this going to be a show-stopper problem or are you ok with letting each develop?
* Is she allowed to go out on dates (and maybe start a relationship with another person), once you are in this relationship? Or are you expecting this to be completely "closed".
* If you find this person, would the two of you not be looking for any other relationships (sexual or romantic) outside of the three of you?

These are all things that a prospective unicorn would be asking of you, so it's probably best to have those answers discussed between the two of you and ready. There may be more, but those are what I can think of off the top of my head.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:31 PM.