bonding without the physical

GreenMom

New member
Not necessarily a poly question, but has arisen due to the nature of our poly situation.

Normally at the start of a new relationship I can't keep my hands off the person, and vice versa. I'm used to the first months being nonstop physical affection - not just sex, though including that, but also the hand holding, the kissing, little touches whenever possible.

In my three month old relationship, I'm struggling with bonding more closely on a romantic level since we aren't able to be as physical as I would like due to the fact that very few of our dates are solo. I'm a shy enough person that I struggle with being physically affectionate in front of others, talking sweetly, etc.

Any suggestions for finding other ways to bond/enjoy what should be the insanity of NRE and grow that closeness? I'm pretty sure I just need to find ways that we can have more one-on-one dates -- not just for the physical but for conversing etc (hard to talk about things other than Elmo when you have preschoolers climbing on you). Perhaps find more creative ways to communicate between dates. But I'm far from an expert at dating so I thought I'd see if anyone here has suggestions they can share. Thanks in advance!
 
Step One: definitely find a sitter. Dates are for you, not for you to be looking after small children.

Communication between dates--we make time on his drive home from work, plus lots of email and texts and, well, participation on the same boards! :) I remember getting NRE butterflies when we were first writing back and forth, getting to know each other after we'd met. What are your schedules like? Could you Skype or talk on the phone after the kids are in bed?
 
since u rr shy to show affection openly, u can try thro' e-mails and then in chats,. Then u might feel fee express urself atleast when u two r alone, then it will be easy for u r to express ur love when even when others r present.
good luck
 
We text amy IM and send each other links to things that we believe the other might like. Neither of us is much into phone calls, but we may eventually do video chats. The daly text contact helps greatly but we still feel it when we can't get together for a week or so.

Definitely find ways to make more dates solo, if you can, though.
 
Just echoing what everyone is saying...emails/IM/texts and phone calls are a good way to reach out in between dates. My boyfriend and I did a lot of emailing in the beginning (he and I don't really like talking on the phone too much, lol).

And I understand how hard it can be to get time alone, we have to juggle our mates and kids to achieve it, but it's important to me. I do think you need that in order to bond and for the relationship to grow. I know that I get very restless if too much time elapses between our alone times. Group dates are fun, but not the same.
 
Is it that you have kids in tow? I missed that somewhere... or are you going on dates with another partner in tow. If so, easy... ask them to bugger off :p Seriously, what are they coming on dates with you for after three months?!
 
In my three month old relationship, I'm struggling with bonding more closely on a romantic level since we aren't able to be as physical as I would like due to the fact that very few of our dates are solo.

Very few of your dates are solo? For three months?? Why? To me, that isn't really dating. :eek:???:confused:
 
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Thanks, all. Basically this is reminding me that I already had the "right answer" - improved communication between dates - and pushing for more "solo" dates.

We do generally get "some" alone time, but due to finances and logistics, most of our "dates" are at his home - which means there is a preschooler running around, and his wife is home too. In these cases, I'm going to work on getting better at suggesting we perhaps go to the next room for some quiet alone time.

It used to work out that once a week we'd get together in more of a group setting, and once a week we got together one on one, but changing work schedules have made the one on one days harder to come by. Ah well, few things worth doing are without speedbumps, right?
 
Library, wallks, car ride, local events for free, coffee shops... All free or freeish dates. I am not sure why you are hanging out at home so much. *confused.:confused:
 
Library, wallks, car ride, local events for free, coffee shops... All free or freeish dates. I am not sure why you are hanging out at home so much. *confused.:confused:

Yes, I was going to suggest a stroll in the park, that could be so romantic. Is this an issue of staying closeted as poly? Or of not feeling like you can ask his wife or someone else to watch the kids?

I wouldn't think that staying at home with his wife and kids walking around as much of a date. How do you ever have private time to talk and get to know each other? Going into the other room, eh... sounds like you're in Junior High going to makeout while doing homework. Is his wife wanting to keep an eye on you two or something?

I am confused, too. It is so puzzling! :confused::rolleyes::confused::eek:
 
love languages

Others have pointed out the need to find a way to have adult time with your partner, without the youngun's about all the time.

However, have you ever read a book called the Five Love Languages? (That's not the whole title but if you google it, it will show up.) This doctor came up with five broad ways people tend to express love towards others, and how they understand love expressed to them. It is crucial for relationships because we often have trouble understanding different love languages when they express love to us. So for example, I am someone who needs quality time with a beloved in order to feel loved. That is also how I generally express love to others, through my time and attention. However, my ex-wife was all about touch. That is her love language. I had to learn to touch her more often than is natural to me and she had to learn that touching me as much as she wanted sometimes irritated me, rather than convey love.

Long story short, if you know your main love language, then you have more understanding of how you express and feel love. This can help you figure out how to get your needs met, and to better meet your partners needs.

If you search here or on google for the five love langauges test, you can do it online (it's free) and see which is your most dominant love language.
 
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...most of our "dates" are at his home - which means there is a preschooler running around, and his wife is home too. In these cases, I'm going to work on getting better at suggesting we perhaps go to the next room for some quiet alone time.

It used to work out that once a week we'd get together in more of a group setting, and once a week we got together one on one, but changing work schedules have made the one on one days harder to come by. Ah well, few things worth doing are without speed bumps, right?

Wow, that sounds so much like my own situation it's funny... Down to the weekly group dates with our mates, lol. And like you, we've had to find ways around all that chaos for some quiet times, but it's been worth it :)

Good luck GreenMom!
 
Thanks for the book recommendation - I've seen it mentioned so much on this community I had planned to look it up!

The reason most "dates" end up being staying in, honestly, I am not sure how we got to this point. At first, I can say I honestly wasn't sure what to suggest, since I'm not as familiar with his town as my own. Now, I think it is largely due to being in a holding pattern of familiarity.

I will say that our last few dates we've had a much better balance of going out and staying in, as well as solo time and family time.

And yeah, I realize how "go in the other room" sounded... kinda middle schoolish heh. To be honest, I do want occasional privacy to do more than sneak a kiss here and there, but that is far from the only thing I am going for. Last night for example we had a couple hours solo time and we spent it just talking and snuggling. Had some great conversation, that wouldn't have been possible if we were chasing kiddos. We ran some errands together, which while not super romantic or anything I still enjoy doing because its sharing a piece of our lives with each other.
 
We ran some errands together, which while not super romantic or anything I still enjoy doing because its sharing a piece of our lives with each other.


Sometimes, it's all about the little things :)
 
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