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  #61  
Old 07-26-2012, 02:14 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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I keep giving you credit for things that originated from other people, don't I, nycindie? lol. Well, thank you for letting me know where "credit is due" and I will do a search on postings by that person as well.

Several emails later, I'm cautiously hopeful to the point of assinging nicknames just to make it easier. The man is Link and his gf can be Zelda, because it amuses me and has something to do with how I connected with him. The way it was left last night, he is going to talk to his gf to see if she's interested in possibly meeting me. I'm unsure if he's interested in anything with me if she is not. They seem like a pretty package deal. I'm hoping if nothing else, maybe I can make a couple new friends. They also seem to be a bit more sex focused than I am - I'm not opposed to sexy fun but I want a friendship there first and ideally would like a little romance. Lover-friends, not just f-buddies - to me the difference is in the connection, and I am very much craving connections these days, with how disconnected I am from both Derrick and Marty.
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Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #62  
Old 07-31-2012, 04:16 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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I am putting the breaks on anything potential at this point because my marriage is crumbling. I discovered over the weekend that Derrick and the woman he went behind my back with in May/June never stopped their affair. All this time when I thought he and I were working on repairing our marriage he was continuing their long distance thing. And they found a time and place to physically consummate their relationship. He told me he has been miserable with me for years if not months, that I am to blame because I am a bad wife, a bad submissive, unfair, mean, unsupportive, etc and that he has wanted to divorce since January. He is now staying with a co-worker while we both take some space.

So I guess I really am my own primary.
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"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #63  
Old 07-31-2012, 04:21 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Oh dear ... that sounds so ugly. I am sorry to hear about this. Take care and stay strong through this And don't start to believe in his words. I know that it is tempting to search for flaws and there is nothing wrong with looking into things why this or that went wrong, but don't take the blame alone. It's ridiculous to say that you are at fault for his thievishness.
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  #64  
Old 07-31-2012, 04:34 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Oh my god! GM, I'm so, so sorry. Even if all the things he said about you were true, which would shock me since you don't come off that way in the slightest, it still would not excuse him lying to you and sneaking around like that. What a complete lack of integrity. How dare he call you a bad sub... a dom (not to mention a good human being and partner!) is supposed to have a little backbone, and if its true that he wanted to leave you all this time but didn't speak up, then he's a coward, plain and simple. Nothing excuses carrying on a deception about something so personal, not to mention for so long.

You deserve so much better. Again, I'm sorry.
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  #65  
Old 07-31-2012, 11:03 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Wow wow wow.

I knew you guys had some work to do but I didn't see this coming. I'm sorry to hear you were blindsided by his inability to be compassionate and adult about this. Try not to take personal responsibility for his, as Annabel put it, lack of integrity, because well, it's not yours. It's his. Sending you and the kids positive vibes and good thoughts.

*hug*
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  #66  
Old 08-02-2012, 12:52 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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This week, we are trying to give the kids normal routines before and after work/school, and then once they are in bed, he goes to sleep somewhere else so we both have "space" to process and think and etc and I get to cry myself to sleep in our bedroom alone. Friday we are going to sit down and attempt to talk and determine if we are going to go the marriage counseling route or proceed with divorce. I am completely broken. It is taking all the will power I possess and some I am borrowing from some extra reserve not to call him, forgive him for everything, and beg him to come home to me. I am so lonely and its only been three days. I can hardly function. Seriously, I am trying to focus on work, but I have to keep running to the ladies room to cry. I have to pull off the side of the road while commuting so I don't have an accident from crying. It's not gentle quiet tears. It's sobbing, keening, a huge mess. He has lied so much and been so incredibly thoughtless that I have no idea how things could be fixed, if he is even willing to try. If I am willing to try. My brain tells me the smart thing is to divorce and rebuild, start over for me and the kids. my heart is sobbing out desperately to try and keep him. He was my best friend. We've been together for seven years. i am so fucking alone now. I want to wake up and find out this was all a horrible dream.

and the other woman.... is out on the web BRAGGING....I hope she is proud of her part in all this... cause she knew she was assisting him breaking our agreements and cheating on me. Her husband cheated on her and left her a few years ago to be a single mom to two kids and struggle to make it work. Now she may be the proud owner of a large role in leaving me a single mom with two kids struggling to make things work. The part of me that was her friend is angry at the betrayal for her to go with my husband behind my back knowing it would hurt me. The part of me that is a mother is horrified that a fellow mother could actively try to steal my childrens' father away from them.
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"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #67  
Old 08-02-2012, 02:51 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Oh GM - I'm so sorry to hear things aren't looking up. It sounds like you are doing everything you can possibly do - kids, work, meet to discuss. I agree with you about the other woman and how horrible it is to try to break up a family. I'm sending a positive vibe your way tonight. I have no real advice, I know this just sucks. Just keep breathing...sometimes it's all we can do...and remember/focus on the kids - they can oftentimes be our continued inspiration to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hang in there...
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  #68  
Old 08-02-2012, 06:00 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I wanted to send you a hug. And to say that the crying, sobbing out loud stuff that means pulling off the road or going to the bathroom at work is, in my opinion, a fairly normal reaction to the grief of loss.

I've been doing tons of that this year - my Dad died after a long, stressful illness at the start of this year. And even now, I find that things suddenly trigger strong feelings of loss and bouts of intense crying. And not just about Dad - I sometimes find myself crying over my dog who died at the start of last year after a long, stressful illness. And even over a romantic relationship that ended 9 years ago.

I very often feel terribly lonely (something which has caused problems between my SO and I) even though I am far from alone. I have a huge network of family and friends who help and support me. And an SO who loves me.

I'm taking the crying and the feeling lonely as a normal part of the grieving process and trying not to worry about either of them. I feel that whatever happens, things will be okay. This is just stuff to be gone through.

This may be the same for you. I hope the time and space gives you and you hub a chance to think and come to some conclusions.

IP
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  #69  
Old 08-28-2012, 04:05 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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For my blog followers, I wanted to come back and update. This will probably be my last blog post, because at this point, I have very little desire to attempt another poly situation. I honestly don't think I am wired for it and since Derrick has decided to end our marriage, I no longer have to try and be poly to please him, which admittedly, was pretty stupid of me to do.

To summarize the past month: hell.

We spent the first week of the month apart to think. We talked 8/3 and I told him I was willing to go to counseling. I also found out he had made the phone affair into an in person actual "real" sex affair. He told me he wanted more time to think, because my "condition" for trying was that he cut off all contact with the other woman and he wasn't happy about that.

The following week we went back and forth about it some more and then on 8/10 on my morning commute he told me he didn't want to work on the marriage. I called him out on it - "So, your desire to stay in touch with Other Woman is more important than your desire to try and save our marriage/keep family together?" and was told it wasn't about her. He said it was a mistake for us to ever be married and he wanted out.

Suffice to say my heart was broken. He's been moved out now for a little over two weeks. I'm finally mellowing out and actually at a place of peace. Sure, I am angry he lied and cheated. I am saddened at the break up of the relationship. But I am smart enough to know that he would have just kept lying. I've uncovered one other affair from three years ago, and possibly one other from four-five years back. I am so much better off.

Marty has basically vanished, and I am okay with that too. We had good chemistry in bed, and we make good friends. I will never be the kind of priority in his life I deserve to be, so it's better this way. We are still in occasional contact to socliaze, primarily getting our kids together for play dates. I'm glad I have his family in my life because I really like and care about him, his wife, and their son. But I know especially with everything else, it's better that the romantic/sexual parts of our relationship died out months ago. Despite how tempted I am - how lonely I am for physical touch - I know it's probably best to just leave that as is.

I have redone my dating site profile and am excited to very slowly begin to casually date, as a single woman (well, married-on-road-to-divorce woman). I have had lots of advice to wait. And I don't plan to rush into anything serious, but I don't see why I shouldn't date a bit. Maybe it's because of the poly arrangement Derrick and I had this past year, and the fact I was already casually dating here and there as I looked for a secondary "lover friend", but the idea of dating doesn't sound unappealing. I don't feel like I am "broken" by this divorce process and I don't feel that I need healing time.

I have learned a lot about relationships. There are many personal compromises I made to be with Derrick. I will not be making them again. If I ever have another committed primary style relationship, I will stand much more firmly by what I want and not just settle, as I did with Derrick on some areas. I rushed so many things when Derrick and my relationship started. Looking back, I see that I was a very lonely and depressed person who equated self worth with being with someone. I am not that person anymore. The past few months I have worked hard at being my own primary. I am not looking for someone to complete me. I am looking for someone to provide companionship. Someday, maybe, to live with me, marry me, and be a stepdad to my kids. But I am already a complete person and don't need another person to make my life whole.

Thanks to all my readers these past months. I have learned a lot from you and appreciated all your support.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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  #70  
Old 08-28-2012, 04:30 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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So glad that you found a place of comfort and security finally. Don't have much to say, I hope you will be well and never again forget to take care of your most important relationship: Be your own primary! All the best.
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