Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 06-28-2012, 12:22 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

Oh geez. Aggressively guilting his partner for pointing out his mistakes. That is some Orwellian level bullshit right there. Just because you've decided not to end the marriage, it doesn't mean you have to engage with him as a partner on more than the level of life-logistics. If he wants more, maybe *he* should commit to going to therapy too.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 07-08-2012, 04:43 AM
earthlovemother earthlovemother is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2
Default kids in the mix

Hey Greenmom, I find your posts very interesting as I find myself also in my first poly relationship since having children. My husband and I were always open before having children and have been on and off since. I really struggle with the matter of allowing children to know or not. I am really battling with my own conflictions, I on one hand believe fully there is nothing wrong with poly relationships, and on the other hand am not sure if allowing our children to know is acceptable or if it will damage them. Have you come across this situation, if so what is your stance? any input is totally appreciated.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 07-11-2012, 02:29 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 94
Default

Thanks for the support, folks.

earthlovemother, welcome to the forums. Regarding letting kids know, honestly, I think that will vary depending on family dynamics. My kids are only 2 & 4, and Marty's child is 4, so we don't really get questions. But also, there is nothing I would do or say in front of the kids that would elicit any questions - with my husband or my boyfriend. Yes, we hug, we may even kiss or snuggle, but that's about it - and I am affectionate to a degree with many of my friends, insofar as hugging goes.

Good luck determining what would work best for your family. I'm FAR from an expert - very much a "poly newbie" still even after six months in my "N" - but I would recommend not mentioning anything to your kids til you are absolutely sure it is a good idea and will do no harm.


Now, onto my update.

Things have been bad. That's why I haven't been blogging more to be honest. I get tired about just posting negatively all the time. Things with husband are at times friendly, but romantically/sexually very awkward. I just don't trust him, and that makes enjoying such things hard for me. Every time I see he has posted on "her" fb page, or vice versa, I start to wonder if their phone calls have started again. Or when he comes to bed late, etc. I don't know how to work past this.

Things with Marty have been, well, non-existant. We haven't seen each other in about a month due to scheduling conflicts, and my recent tendency to just hole up and ignore the entire world. I am supposed to be seeing him tomorrow night, pending how he feels. The positive - incredibly awesome positive - he is treating his anxiety disorder again! He's been back in therapy for about 3 wks and goes back on his meds starting tomorrow. I know it can take a month or so for effects to start being seen but I am so relieved, and for the first time in a long time optomistic. He was so much lighter, not worried or super anxious, before he went off the meds and stopped therapy. I have hopes that perhaps my patience and attempts at understanding may payoff. I have done my best to support him - I have supported him too much, some have told me - to me that is what you do for someone you care about.

The month of no face time and only sporadic text/IM's has also taught me that I really do want him in my life, and I have stepped back and realized that what we had before? It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad. If we could get back to how things were then, but just add in a couple solo dates a month, I'd be a happy camper.

I was also able to schedule an appointment with a couselor to start my own therapy. I don't start until August - I found a provider willing to see me on Saturdays, but the downside is a bit of a wait. It will be worth the wait to not have more appts to take off of work for, though.

That's all for now.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 07-12-2012, 06:38 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

I'm sorry to hear that things are rough right now. :/ It's so great to hear that Marty is getting treatment, though! Here's hoping things will get better all around.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 07-12-2012, 01:45 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 94
Default

Thanks, Annabel.

My date night ended up getting cancelled, again, due to bf being sick. So instead I spent several hours reading a book and taking some much needed chill time, since the kids were nice enough to go to bed on time with no fighting for a change.

I'm doing some work on a concept I've seen nycindie and some others post about - being my own primary. I think even though I am married and therefore in a relationship I have classed primary - if only because of the legal bond, and the familial bond of having children (meaning, I've never "ranked" emotional attachments - make sense?) - especially with everything I am going through this year, it would be very beneficial to me to be less co-dependent and focus more on taking care of myself. This would probably enable me to be a better mother, a better wife, a better girlfriend, etc etc.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 07-13-2012, 03:44 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 94
Default

I am going to be blogging a lot more in upcoming months I think - both here and in my personal, private blog - because I have a lot of things I want to work on within myself.

My ongoing to-do list:

-be less co-dependent on those I am in romantic/sexual relationships with
-be less dependent on validation from others
-be less willing to put myself out to make things work if others aren't making effort
-be more forgiving of the human condition and remembering that everyone's problems/thoughts are the most important to them - and that does not mean people are not compassionate
-get back on a regular exercise schedule
-go out of my house unrelated to work, errands, or kids at least twice a week
-broaden my circle of local, within-my-city, friends
-be open to dating around more
-speak clearly about what my wants and needs are as they arise, rather than stewing over them
-stop assuming the worst of everything (i.e. OMG I Haven't heard from boyfriend in a couple days, clearly he doesn't think about me at all and I don't matter at all, or, OMG my friend hasn't responded to my email all week she must not want to be my friend anymore)

As I posted in her thread, I just read nycindie's blog start to finish this week, and I must say that it made me think a lot. Her approach to one of her lover-friendships is something that I could learn a lot from, and would probably greatly enhance what I have (don't have?) with Marty. I realize that a lot of the pressure on that relationship was put there by me. And I realize a lot of that was me feeling guilty about being a married woman who was sleeping with another man. He had to be my boyfriend! The romance must be more important than the friendship! I don't just "do this" with friends, I mean, it's SEX! gasp!

I don't judge others for having a wide variety of partners, but I judge myself for having two partners concurrently. Having had a total of four partners my adult life.

I keep on expecting Marty and I to be more like Derrick and I, or himself and Kitty. Why? They live together and have a kid. We live together and have kids. It can't be the same. It won't be the same. My expectations have been neither realistic nor fair.

I do think there are some things it is okay for me to expect, and I will be privately writing about it in more detail so that when an opportune time presents I can speak about it with Marty. I think it is okay for me to expect to feel valued. I think it is okay for me to expect some level of considerate behavior. I think I should feel safe to express my emotions and not worry that additional connotation will be attached to them. I think it is okay for me to expect at least a couple "solo" dates a month, as schedules permit, rather than all our get togethers being group/family be default. But I think it is fair of me to understand that most of our time WILL be group/family oriented. That is the reality of having kids, especially since we both have kids the same age who get along.

I think it may be very good for me to open up and look for another dating friend who lives closer to me, maybe even one who does not have kids so I don't have the exact same situation I do now, but I admit, I am terrified if I start looking actively, so will he, and we already get so little time together. Which is silly, because we aren't exclusive. He could be looking anytime he wanted to. I think I got a false sense of security since early on we both declared we were done looking, we wanted quality over quantity, didn't have a desire to have a bunch of different partners, etc.

But the simple truth is that we aren't partners. I would be open to having a deeper relationship, but I don't know if that will ever happen, and I can't force it to happen. I do know that I value what we have had, and I have hopes that if I can keep my head on straight, I can continue to enjoy it. And part of that is speaking up when I feel like he is treating my poorly. But part of that also, is not blowing everything up out of proportion and letting my internal, self-conscious, depressed monologue color everyday dealings.

A friend of mine has been dating a man casually for 2-3 months and it blows my mind that they don't really talk at all between dates. They see each other generally once a week, and their contact between dates is a couple texts to set up the next date. I get upset if I don't get to spend hours a day on chat with Marty, I miss the video chats we used to do, I yearn for phone calls (he's not a phone person). Why do I need such constant contact? Well, I admit part of it is simply that I know he's home and his default is to be online. But again to be honest with myself - what do I have to talk about for that long, for that frequency? Nothing really. A few kid or work anecdotes, maybe something about a game we play or a new movie.

I keep comparing this to previous relationships that have had distance involved. I would spend hours and hours on instant messenger, on the phone, etc. But when I think back to the content of those conversations, well... how do I say this nicely? There was none. It was fluff. It was waxing romantic about wanting to see each other in person again, and pet names, and sexy talk.

I may not talk to Marty as often, I may rarely have his undivided attention as when he's on chat, he's either at home with his son, or at work, but we talk about our lives. It may not be romantic, there are no pet names, flirting is awkward if best and rarely occurs. But we talk about our kids, and our work, and anything new in our lives. We talk about our struggles and our goals and our joys. We have substance. And I do catch myself at times holding things back, so there is something left to say on dates.

Maybe this is another difference in what makes a mature "grown up" relationship (says the "old" 30 yr old... ha!). Whereas in my more youthful dalliances we had the constant contact and fluffy words, now things cool down from the excitement in-each-others-pockets phase quickly into something that could, just maybe, be more long lasting. IF -- it is not stifled. Stifled by drama, by high expecations, etc.

More to come soon I am sure, as I continue to ruminate.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-05-2014 at 02:48 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 07-13-2012, 07:12 PM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

I see you've picked up on some of the things I rediscovered as a result of reading and joining the forum. It's so EASY to get lost in the day-to-day responsibilities you completely forget that you were your own primary before the husband, before the kids, before the humdrum, yadda yadda. And honestly, getting back to that can only enhance the relationships you have with others.

Great to see.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 07-14-2012, 02:47 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,222
Default

Being your own primary is a great goal to always keep in mind, especially when relationships become chaotic or confusing. BTW, I got that idea from Redpepper. Oftentimes, if I get caught up in feeling needy, clingy, lonely, or desperate, I hear Redpepper's voice in my mind (or, at least the voice I imagine her having - I've never met her so haven't heard her speak!) saying, "Be your own primary, be your own primary." It helps!

I am definitely not the type of person who needs daily contact. But I don't think that needing daily contact in and of itself indicates co-dependency or neediness, but if you feel bereft without it or like your day is incomplete, then it could very well be useful to question why you depend on it so badly. It is good that you are looking at these things, asking yourself what you want and why, and figuring out ways to be happy and secure in yourself. Even if nothing in your situation looks different outwardly, all your inner work will benefit you.

Also, thank you for what you wrote in your message to me.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 05:19 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 07-16-2012, 01:49 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 94
Default

Questioning why I feel that way, that's a very good idea.

Off the topic of my head...

- I already know I've feeling very insecure and clingy right now, in wake of having learned of my husband's indiscretions.
- - However, it's not anyone's job other than mine to validate me. I'm going to repeat that again. It's not anyone's job other than mine to validate me. I am the one who chose to take it as a personal thing that my husband strayed, when really, it was him making his own choices, and not really thinking about me at all. While that does hurt, I don't have to allow it to make me feel "less" anymore.

- Marty and I have not seen each other in over a month, and for a month preceeding that, only a couple times for brief intervals with children/friends.
- - Summer is busy. He's working extra hours. I'm doing extra projects. I shouldn't expect, schedule we set nonwithstanding, that it will always work out. I should expect that things will work out when they can. It is very hard, but we are in frequent contact, and it isn't always me reaching out.

I think those are the main two reasons I've been so "OMG why is he posting on facebook but not talking to me" or "The whole weekend has passed and I have heard nothing". I HATE BEING THIS WAY. I did a MUCH better job this weekend of avoiding those behaviors. How? I kept super busy. I cleaned the house and sorted through stacks of papers that had been waiting for the recycle bin, the file cabinet, or the shredder. I grocery shopped, I returned some shoes that didn't fit my daughter, I ran other errands. I cleaned some more. I had music playing the whole day, other than the hours I carved out for quiet time reading a book. I finished an entire book and lost myself in the story. I gamed. I played with the kids. I took the kids on almost all the errands, which made them take longer, and kept me way busier doing them, lol. I did my monthly "Try and meet people on OKC" and sent messages to about 10 new people (for friendship, primarily - I desperately need more local friends).

I am going to admit something I am pretty ashamed of. I have become that girl who waits for the phone to ring. Only instead of the phone, I sit at my laptop logged into chat programs, waiting to get a message. I keep my phone handy waiting for texts. I constantly check to see who is and is not logged on. IT IS PATHETIC.

Know what? This weekend, I was online a bit, but mostly I kept busy, and when online, it was for a purpose (responding to mails, playing a game). People know how to reach me if they want to, and I have things to do. I was so much less depressed by just doing these things.

I found that I was snapping at my husband a lot this weekend for trivial things. I know this is because I am still very resentful of having my nice, comfy marriage all shaken up, and the fact I am constantly waiting to find out he is back with her behind my back again. I think that tonight once kiddos are in bed, I need to do something I've been avoiding, and talk to him about it. Perhaps Mom will keep her door open to listen for the rare wake up, so that he and I can take a walk. Then I can combine talking with fitness, which is another habit I need to restart.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 07-16-2012, 07:43 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 94
Default

I have a date tonight! TONIGHT! Impulsive Green Mom today, LOL. This is someone I messaged in my monthly "attempt to meet people on OKC".... we hit it off so well that I asked her out. Yes, we just started emailing today. Yes, that is fast. But I'd much rather have a coffee tonight and see if we get along well offline before exchanging emails for months and then having a dud of a first meet up.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
children, communication, frustration, metamour, needs and wants, secondary, time management

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:35 AM.