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  #11  
Old 04-24-2012, 09:00 AM
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Sounds good!

I love when I get those inner self-awareness shifts. I can literally feel it whenever it happens. Here's to more of those in the near future for you!

*cheers*
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  #12  
Old 04-27-2012, 05:02 PM
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A lot of times I get the "he's just not that into you" feeling and worry that I'm just something to fill up free time if and when Marty has some. I know that's not necessarily fair of me, and I've created it in my mind. I own it, I'm working on it. But it sure doesn't hurt when I vanish off the grid for a day and come back to messages asking if I'm okay and expressing worry over not seeing me online all day, or hearing that I was missed when I had to leave an event early. Little things like that remind me that I'm more than a convenient way to kill time when others are busy and that I do matter in his life. Yay.

Bit by bit I'm getting better at this self confidence thing. I am getting better at not taking things so personally, and I am getting better at finding confidence within myself, rather than expecting constant reminders from those in my life (though when they happen, they sure don't hurt). This is all positive growth.
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  #13  
Old 05-07-2012, 05:18 PM
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Things keep on keepin' on. I've been increasingly frustrated at my "friendzone" feeling. The more I read on here, talk to folks, and think things over, the more I think it has to do with us just expressing feelings in different ways (love languages anyone?), and the fact that I'm looking at how my husband and I interact - that is a dynamic that built up over 7 years. I also suspect a lot of Marty's has to do with how he and his wife interact. I have to remind myself that four months is really not that long of a time. Even though I have such strong feelings, we haven't really been together that long. I'm working on just enjoying the moment more, instead of worrying about what we should do next, where things are going in six months, etc.

Things kind of came to a head last week when I showed up for what I thought was a planned date time and Marty wasn't home yet. Turns out we had walked away from a conversation with different ideas of what was decided, in part because of how ambivalent I've been attempting to be about plans (there is a reason for it, but too long an explanation for today). The good thing is, this caused us to sit down and talk about scheduling, as well as clear up a couple other things that had been on his mind. We had limited talk time, and I'm a fan of not dumping every single topic into one evening, so I saved a couple things I want to talk about for our next opportunty.

We've now set a tentative "schedule" for dates... obviously not set in stone because life happens. We're going to continue with the Wednesday date nights, and instead of shooting for every Sunday, we're going for every other Sunday. That will give us both a couple free days a month to socialize with other people, do things around the house, or just slack off. I can't lie, part of me is a bit sad that we'll have a bit less time together. But the smarter, more logical part of me knows that these off days will enable the together days to be less stressful, so that can only be a good thing. I know I have a tendency to cling and want to eke out as much time as humanely possible with those I care about. I know too that is stifling to many others, and to be fair also does stress me out since it leaves me no time left over. So I am going to make the most of these "off" days.

I've been stressing for a good deal now about letting him know how I feel about him. Our society builds up so much baggage around saying "I love you" that I've been really freaked out. I'm not entirely sure why but I continually have the feeling that given the nature of our relationship I'm not "allowed" or "supposed" to be in love, or express love, or be romantic, etc. That's not true (that I am aware of) and my best guess is that it's a combination of my brain giving scaredy cat me a loophole, my brain still being stuck in monogamy mindset, and me looking at how I act in a romantic relationship vs how he does (those love languages again) and just thinking it's wrong. I'm hoping to get an actual date night on Weds (sans kiddos and spouses) so that I can attempt to bring up feelings. I'm also hoping that when I do, he doesn't run for the hills, haha!

Things with Derrick are going pretty well too. We had our weekly date night Friday and went to see The Avengers which was amazing. We are already planning to go again this coming weekend with a couple friends. Now that I've developed a couple low key hobbies, am exercising again, and socializing outside my marriage (with friends, as well as with Marty), it's given hubby more time for his projects and hobbies which I know makes him happy. And at the end of most days, we get to curl up together and chill out, which makes us both happy. I realize I write a disproportionately large amount about my boyfriend compared to my husband, and I think that is simply because the boyfriend thing is still relatively new, I'm still learning who he is and how we are together. Things with my husband do change at times, nothing is unchanging, but we have been together for almost eight years, so it's a bit different. But it's good.

And I really like hubby's version of compersion... which translates to not only being super happy about the fact I get pretty frequent dates with Marty, but also to jumping me when I get home. Not out of jealousy, pretty much the exact opposite reason. Heh.
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  #14  
Old 05-17-2012, 01:20 PM
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So that I don't have to retype, I will link to a thread I made in a different section of this community this week:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23695

I will be back later to blog more in depth about the conversation last night, as well as my thoughts on it.
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  #15  
Old 05-18-2012, 01:48 PM
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I am so tired. This having a talk halfway finished and having to wait four days to conclude it is incredibly stressful. Part of me just wants a resolution no matter what it is so I can stop stressing over how it is going to go.

I am cautiously optimistic that he wouldn't have asked me for The List if he wasn't willing to work on improving our relationship. But ultimately, I feel like it is really going to come down to two questions, which by their nature are either-or:

1. Is he willing to look past his previous negative experience and dive "all in", within the logistical confines (spouses, children, work, hobbies, etc) we already are working within?

2. Am I willing to stop expecting this to be a deep, committed, loving relationship and accept the casual dating/strong friendship we have now for what it is?

One of us is going to have to give. I don't see a middle ground. Perhaps I am looking at it too black and white. That is very possible, though I like to think I am queen of the compromise. I just don't see how to resolve those two points into one thing that could have us both being happy unless one of us has a lightbulb moment and realizes they are okay with the type of relationship the other wants.

In working on this list, everything I am coming up with would either require him to agree to look past his fear and be "all in", or to at least give the outward appearance of doing so. So it would be a matter of:

1. I don't get what is on the list.
2. I get the outward appearance, which is emotionally dishonest and would likely feel very hollow.
3. He's willing to be "all in".

Hubby has seen my initial draft of The List and thinks I've done a fantastic job of pulling things together. He suggested I just go ahead and email it, rather than waiting for The Talk, but I am not a fan of having something like this out there with the only way to "talk" about it being IM's, text, or phone. Things like this, to me, are best handled in person.

I am in knots over this. I know relationships are not always easy, but this is the hardest situation I have dealt with romantically in longer than I can remember. Hubby and I have had our ups and downs, but I've never had reason to believe those downs could cause us to end. With this, that is one of the four clear solutions I see:

1. We decide to be "just friends", which for me, likely means we're completely done.
2. I decide to lower my expectations and accept the casual arrangement.
3. We manage to find a middle ground, even though I don't see how.
4. He decides to look past his fear and be all in.

And yeah... my constant list making in this post is my snarkastic effort to be humorous.

Ending this here for now. Anyone reading this who has any possible wisdom to share from their own experiences, I would greatly appreciate your feedback.
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  #16  
Old 05-18-2012, 11:05 PM
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Although you did not post anything from your List here (I'm hoping more romantic dates is on it), I wonder if there are other possible outcomes besides either him staying distant and you accepting it or him going all in and you both are more committed. I think there might be other more "middle ground" solutions.

As I was writing this reply, I realized that I may have a different idea of what going "all in" is than what you expect from him. See, I think there are two separate distinct things - one is the type of relationship and the other is the type of commitment. I think he can still be all in and totally committed to a looser casual relationship, or he can be very non-committal to an agreed upon, tighter, more "partner-y" type relationship. I see commitment as not being about the type of relationship, but about the approach to it.

So, it is a good thing to make a list of what you want in a relationship and then ask what kind of commitment he is able to make, but those may not be as diametrically opposed as you think. For example, I have a very loose and relaxed relationship with my lover-friend Lively. We generally see each other once a week and sometimes only once a month. I don't know anyone else in his life and have never been to his apartment. After almost a year of seeing each other, we are still getting to know one another. But I have come to know he is committed to our love-friendship as fully as he can be.

Last summer, I let go of a LDR with someone I really liked because he could not commit. There would have been no way we could have a traditional romantic partnership, being that he is married and lives in another city, but all those parameters were acceptable to me, as long as I felt he was "all in" to make it work. But he was feeling ambivalent, being new to poly, and I let the relationship go because of that. We had only begun to see each other, so there was no love in the equation yet, but...

I am realizing more and more that very often love is just not enough. So, to me, the fact that I love someone doesn't really mean anything, other than that I have a feeling about him. What means more to me is what someone is willing to put into making it work, whether or not there is respect and caring, and if the relationship brings me satisfaction.

Not sure if I am being helpful or just rambling, but I was moved to share.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-18-2012 at 11:10 PM.
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  #17  
Old 05-21-2012, 04:48 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Cindie, thank you. I'm actually still mulling over what I can take from your post, as well as a conversation I had with hubby yesterday.
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  #18  
Old 05-24-2012, 12:20 AM
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Sometimes being a compassionate partner sucks big time. And sometimes the humbling reminder that not everything - and in fact, very little - has to do with one's self is necessary. But it still sucks. Whine whine whine etc.
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  #19  
Old 06-02-2012, 10:14 PM
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The talk, part two, never happened. Every thing under the sun has happened to interfere with possible plans -- babysitters cancelling, illness, work schedule changes, etc. We finally had the talk, part 1.5, today via text message (which I HATE for anything important), and what I'm getting is that between our varied expectations of what a secondary relationship comprises of, combined with the fact his anxiety disorder is currently untreated, I am unsure what can actually be accomplished.

His primary interest in me at this point is that we can get our kids together to play. He has very little interest in doing much outside of hanging at his house with his family. I know this is due to the chemical imbalances/anxiety disorder/etc, but it is still very hard for me to process.

The best I expect can happen at this point is me massively readjusting what I expect, and being okay with most of our time together being very platonic, and very much me hanging with him and his family, or us getting our entire families together. I'm not sure I can do this. I don't expect him to give me tons and tons of time - nor could I give it - but I do expect and want some level of romantic interaction. Hand holding, snuggling, a kiss hello and goodbye, simple things, little things. Occasional nights out that don't include our families. Things like that, which I am uncertain if he will be willing to give at this point. He gave them before, but at that point, he was fully medicated/in therapy, and emotionally a very different person.

My needs the best boiled down I came up with are:
feel like I'm being treated considerately
see outwardly (verbal/physical) that he is excited to make plans with me - while we are making them - and when I arrive
have occasional kid free time
be able to engage in BDSM play (the reason I became poly, after all, was ultimately to express my Domme side) at least once a month ideally

we'll see what tomorrow holds.
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  #20  
Old 06-06-2012, 05:26 PM
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As I debate whether or not to go see Marty for our "scheduled" time this evening, it occurs to me that really, I don't want that much. I want to feel wanted. I miss the enthusiasm he had from the beginning of our relationship. His total ambivalence towards if we see each other or not (at least outwardly, that is what I see - he says he loves to see me, but it would be nice to hear it more often and without me prompting) makes me pretty darn ambivalent myself.

I know we STILL have this half finished talk hanging over our heads. To be honest, I want to ignore all of that tonight. I just want to hold him. I want to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie on netflix and just enjoy the companionship with none of the thinking. This has been a rough week for me (entirely unrelated to relationship stuff) and I just need to relax. I have fun things planned all weekend long with friends and family, but the midweek break for calm socialization with snuggles would be super welcome.
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