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  #1  
Old 06-22-2014, 09:08 PM
azorkanesbrat azorkanesbrat is offline
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Smile 2nd Chapter

I like to blog. I like to blog a lot. So this will be a good place for me to document my 2nd chapter in life.

I've been here before. My husband and I were married for 11 years when we decided that we'd open our hearts to others. He found someone - they fell in love and had a very brief relationship that came at the expense of his and mine - and left me feeling lost and alone.

I didn't tell him to end it - he chose to based on my assertation that I was going to make a choice that was right for me since my conversations with them were seen as controlling and in the end - she and her husband accused me (not to my face) of forcing their break up. I did not.

So now, I've got a second chapter. A new man, a new relationship and we're opening our lives to ethical non-monogamy.

He (azorkane - not on this site) is dating a lovely woman (amber - also not on this site) who I really enjoy spending time together with as well.

We've had a couple nights of snuggles all in one bed - and there hasn't been any awkwardness or uncomfortable-ness.

A lot of the issues that existed when my husband and I were together and he had his GF seem to be dissapating.

I had a long conversation with my BF last night about the "overlay" of emotions and triggers and history. Everything that happens, I get triggered by what happened in the past. What happened with my husband. What happened with his girlfriend. I've asked him to be patient - that I am and will work through the stress and the overlay - but especially with this week being a super huge, hard trigger for me - I'm overly emotional and stressed and crying a lot - and reading things into moments that are not there.

I'm waiting to get past Thursday to let some of that go and hopefully be able to see my life with clearer eyes not clouded in grief and hurt and sadness - just focus on what's in front of me and how things are different now.

Anyhow. I don't have a partner of my own. Between my BF and I, we have 5 kids at home and I'm home and responsible for them more often than he is. I work full time an hour away - and likely will have a lot of overtime in the summer as fire season heats up.

So I just don't have the time - but not from lack of desire. If anything - I'd be looking for a female partner - but I'm open to whatever life brings.

So for now... I'm writing my 2nd chapter and just seeing how it all plays out.
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Me: Living with Azorkane (not on this site) - marriage planned for the future.
Azorkane: dating Amber

Don't say *There's still time* or *Maybe next time* because there is always the concept of *It's too late*
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  #2  
Old 07-06-2014, 12:04 AM
azorkanesbrat azorkanesbrat is offline
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It's been a few weeks - we spend a lot of time with Amber, and we're all developing a great friendship.

The night before an incredibly emotional day for me, she spent the night and we all ended up in a tangled, sweaty mess... It was awesome.

She and I spend time alone, he spends time with her alone and the three of us spend time together.

We're all talking, all having fun, and sex isn't really a factor right now - it's all going very slowly.

I have to say - this is the way I envisioned poly being. People talking, people enjoying others' company, and people just getting to know each other.

She identifies as bi-curious, I am very much bi-sexual and I told her flat out that I am interested but she has to make moves and move things in that direction. She likes to snuggle and hold hands and in general things are very sweet between all of us.

Azorkane is smitten with her I think it's awesome. There's none of the jealousy and insecurity that happened in the past. The only sticking point I have is I don't want to wake up alone. It will happen but right now I'm not ok with it. There are reasons, which he understands, and he's happy with where things are going right now.

Overall - there's a lot of positive in Amber coming into our lives.
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Me: Living with Azorkane (not on this site) - marriage planned for the future.
Azorkane: dating Amber

Don't say *There's still time* or *Maybe next time* because there is always the concept of *It's too late*
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  #3  
Old 07-23-2014, 05:36 AM
azorkanesbrat azorkanesbrat is offline
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My life is stupidly busy. I work for the Forest Service and there's wildfires all around.

Amber is spending about half the time at our house - I've made it very clear that I need/value time with Azorkane alone - that they need time alone, that she and I need time alone, and that it all needs to happen.

They are both in agreement.

Things are really comfortable, we're enjoying each other's company and I'm fairly relaxed about things.

I did have a moment the other morning where I was getting out of bed before them, he was snuggled up to her and I had a moment or 2 of "WTF" and the twisty knot of jealousy/anxiety that fucks up my life over and over (gotta love having a mental illness)

But the good part is that I stopped for a moment, realized I hadn't taken my meds the night before, took a deep breath and just enjoyed the sight of them snuggled.

I don't have a problem with them - I have a problem with my own head fucking things up. I know that she's adamant that he and I stay strong and solid or she's not comfortable. That gives me a LOT of security.

It's so far a pleasant and enjoyable situation We really like each other's company and we really enjoy spending time together...
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Me: Living with Azorkane (not on this site) - marriage planned for the future.
Azorkane: dating Amber

Don't say *There's still time* or *Maybe next time* because there is always the concept of *It's too late*
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  #4  
Old 07-23-2014, 05:47 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Gotta love mental health issues!
But-GREAT JOB for realizing the issue and dealign with it! That's awesome!
Someday I will figure out how to remember this log in name. But for now-if you don't mind I'm just going to think of you as a derby girl lol!
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