Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-14-2012, 08:29 PM
Tea4three Tea4three is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 11

Absolutely love her to bits, but she is a complete mess right now. She still has issues with her recent ex, was not well to start with, and the pregnancy is not doing her any good.

We haven't talked a lot about DH, I mentioned some things and she told me she felt uncomfortable stuck in the middle, so I have left it. Right now she just needs space and a little support.

She thought I was going to be angry with her, apologised profusely, I can't be angry, she did nothing I hadn't consented to. She was bloody stupid not to use protection or get MAP, but she is more than suffering for that already, and it was wrong of her not to tell me about the pregnancy, but she was worried it would split me and DH up, things were already fragile.

Right now she is very ill with the pregnancy, and awaiting an abortion next week. She is really ashamed that this happen, she doesn't really want to see anyone, we talk, but just to check in so I know she is OK. She has promised to come and see me when this is all over, but it may be a while as she will have trouble with baby things (she wants her own kids at some point, but not this, right now, is adamant, we offered to adopt, but she doesn't want that, just wants it over) and I am very obviously pregnant, which makes it hard for her.

When things started with her I knew she was fragile anyway, I figured I would take it as it came, she needed to be loved, she needed the intimacy we had, and I was prepared to let her come and go as she wanted, just taking it a day at a time. I still feel that way.

We did discuss her living with us before all this kicked off, but she decided she wanted more independence (she was very reliant on her ex, for a long time), and didn't want to be a full time "auntie" either, toddlers are tiring, and she needs to put down her own roots.

In the long run I think you are right, I would happily have her as a partner if she would have me, but she needs a while without any kind of pressure to decide what she wants.

DH does want to be with me, he loves our son and is great with him, he has been putting his big boy pants on a bit lately, if he keeps going this way he will get less flakey, I'm just not sure I can afford to gamble that it won't all fall apart when it becomes too hard or too boring being responsible.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2012, 10:29 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

Originally Posted by Tea4three View Post
DH does want to be with me, he loves our son and is great with him, he has been putting his big boy pants on a bit lately, if he keeps going this way he will get less flakey, I'm just not sure I can afford to gamble that it won't all fall apart when it becomes too hard or too boring being responsible.
This ~this~ it seems you've hit the nail on the head. Your DH has a hard time consistently being the adult. Honestly at 26 years of age, this is hard for many men. The question is can you give him time to grow up?

It also sounds that you two did not talk about expectations in regard to your sexual / romantic exclusivity ~ that you both had different ideas about the structure of your married life. Perhaps, you both ought to sit down now and ask one another exactly what your expectations are. Encourage him to be honest. It could very well be that although he loves you and the children dearly, he may want the structure to be different than it is. And he may be afraid to tell you for fear of losing you. Are you willing to consider re-negotiating in effort to make sure everybody's desires ~ yours and his ~ are accounted for? Or are you able to go forward only if the marriage adheres to your expectations? I'm not saying you should consider or agree to things that you simply can't; I'm just trying to ascertain if there is wiggle room there for the two of you to work with and compromise on.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2012, 10:49 PM
lovefromgirl's Avatar
lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353

I am so sorry things are shitty for your girlfriend. ("Shitty" being a massive understatement!) I'm also really glad that this hasn't torn the two of you apart.

As for flakiness resolving, a story: My dad had underlying mental health issues, so it's a little easier to forgive, but I'm damned if I can forget that he ran around on my mum, or how close they came to splitting, or how often I wished that they had split for Mum's sake. I spent a good twelve years resenting him because, except for one instance when I was almost nineteen, he wasn't much of a dad. He couldn't hold down a job, but he spent like there was no tomorrow. His mood swings were worse than my PMS. He played at the role of parent; nothing about him gave me any reason to respect him, whether in that role or as a person, until two years ago when he finally got help. I'm 26 and I finally have him back. At last, I'm glad he stuck around (well, that Mum didn't kick him out).

He loved me the whole time, but love was not enough. I needed to be able to trust him, and I couldn't. About the only good result is that I'm determined to rely on myself first. Anything else is a bonus.
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2012, 04:36 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275

Trust can definitely be rebuilt if the person being dishonest is willing to do the work on their inner selves and also with you.

If DH does not want to do any of the above you may have to make some difficult choices. You cannot continue to let him put your health, mental and otherwise, at risk while he diddles with other people behind your back. Loving him is not enough and at the very least you've recognized it.

It'd be great if you could invite him to the forum.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2012, 05:18 AM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

In the vein of lovefromgirl's story - you do have kids to think about. I've read a few studies that have shown that kids are more likely to be well adjusted with divorced but amicable parents than married parents who constantly fight. Just something to think about if it comes down to it. If you two split, it doesn't mean your kids don't have a dad, it means you don't have a partner.

Personally, I could never trust this man, and I think that's what it boils down to. Will you EVER be able to FULLY trust him again? Even if he does the work, grows up, and starts acting like a responsible adult consistently - are YOU going to be able to forget the past transgressions? Wanting it to work isn't enough. Forgiveness from you will be key.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2012, 05:28 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

It sounds to me like he has gotten used to lieing. It seems to me that people get caught up in the cycling of getting away with cheating and lieing and find it hard to quite. Ya, he didn't want to upset you, but its a lazy way out. If he didn't want to upset you, he wouldn't of cheated and lied. He would of thought ahead, used some empathy, realized that his integrity is worth more to him and his family and sucked it up or talked to you about what he would like to do regardless of your reaction.

In my opinion he needs some help. He needs to re-learn how to tell the truth. That could take some time and patience on your part and some realization that he will likely fuck up again before he gets it. Honesty is hard to achieve at the best of times in our culture of going underground to get our needs met because so much of what we are taught is that everything that we love is BAAAAAD for us. He has an extra hard journey to get to a place of not only realizing that what he needs is okay but being honest about it is the best possible solution.

You have been through a lot in the last while. It could just be that there just was not enough time to catch up on emotions in terms of where life is heading for you personally (your age group has a lot of stuff to sort out in terms of where to head in life), where your life together is going, grieving the loss of important people in your life, coping with a child and being pregnant. Really. That is a lot. It isn't an excuse, but it seems to me that it was easier for him to take a lazy way out and do shit that is stupid, just because there is no energy left to make better choices... now he is stuck thinking that he can get away with stuff whenever he wants because it worked several times... well a lot of times really. He's wrong, it isn't an easy way, and now he has some work to do.

Good luck!
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2012, 09:47 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Love is not enough to find satisfaction in a relationship. Without honest communication and working together as partners who support each other, what does love get you? Nothing.

Each person is 100% responsible to make a commitment work. If I were you, I would insist that he get into counseling or therapy, and have couples counseling as well, and make it clear that I won't tolerate such treatment. There has to be consequences when people cross boundaries or else they will just do it again. That means you might have to leave the relationship. No one should be disrespected that way.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote

cheating, dishonesty, honesty, integrity, lieing

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:20 AM.