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  #41  
Old 05-09-2014, 04:38 AM
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I feel that way too. I'm not a back-turner... Speaking only specifically of my personal situation: even when there's seemingly been "betrayal" involved, I've learned how to weigh my lover's intentions against the follies of simply being human. I get it. In my situation, it's normally been a case of miscommunication or underestimation (well...one has become the other. LOL).

Z and I have both had our other curiosities and "testings". In the worst of the trenches, they've mutually turned into ammunition...for a day, a week, a month at the most. But we are and have always been empathetic to each other concerning that. At best/worst, we could find connections in/with each others' lovers....

But Idk... what would happen if I was totally and completely derailed? Who knows. I'll be there again at some point.

Yes, E...Resilient hearts, bending and breaking. Best of descriptions. Rise again with a grin on your face, new power in your spirit, new horizons in your heart, and life in your lungs. I wish it on and know it for all of us; you & yours included.

Thanks for the good words My own strength in these fields has been a while in coming.
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Last edited by BlackMagicBlonde; 05-09-2014 at 04:44 AM.
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  #42  
Old 05-13-2014, 01:10 AM
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Default Upd8 - Part I

It's been raining and snowing some (big, fat flakes, although not a blizzard of them by any means) here in this high desert space for most of the day. I just slept a little over three hours (ah, naps) in the middle of the day after getting up at the crack of dawn and beginning again some kind of schedule/regimen. This is definitely the time to entrench the habits of practice/skillbuilding, writing, reading, exercise, sharing with my peeps/circles (mostly blogging), and generally furthering my priorities and taking care of myself.

So, yeah. Up at the crack o' dawn and feeling pretty good. Coffee, writing, answering a couple emails from friends & compadres to be a minute aid in furthering their own priorities; then picking up my instrument for two hours and running through everything I know. Then running through a few things I know but don't play well, and then picking a couple I don't technically know at all, but working down through them and adding them to the list.

I have a goal (which I need to write down or it won't happen) of being able to do an entire hour set solo by the end of this month. It can happen if I make it happen.

Talked to one of the bros in the group back home today also. I spent some of yesterday registering our group's domainname.com and building the rudimentary first site. (Pays to have that dot.com.) I'm no designer, but I'm kinda proud of myself as it looks pretty good and is MORE than efficient and functional for what we need at present.
Anyway, I knew I'd catch a little heat as there are discrepancies in opinions on the group roster at present, but fuck it. They did love the fact that I took the initiative/liberty, and were more than pleased with my initial design. Cool, guys Let's keep this train a-rollin, then.

I found this a few days ago and am loving it:

The Five Habits of Purposeful People:

1. Live in the present moment.
2. Focus on one thing.
3. Make changes today, not tomorrow.
4. Be of service to others.
5. Practice.


(full article here: http://www.positivelypositive.com/20...-yogi-cameron/)

After building the website yesterday (and my own as well – haHA!), I went to an early dinner with an ol British chap I met out here who is a lone soul much like myself. After living so much of his life thus far finding and loving adventure across the continent, he now lives with his part-Papillon rescue pup in an Airstream trailer under the bright and quiet stars, and seems generally content. An old jazzer from way back, we have found some ease of being, trust, a bit of kin, and good company in each other's occasional presence for the time being. Last eve, he needed a ride and a “date” for dinner, and I needed the expansion of getting out and meeting some new people (who actually live very close to me out here and on a beautiful few-acre spread in the foothills). Dinner, some easy communi(cati)on complete with wine, and watching twilight settle in a beautiful place are usually good medicine, and this night was no different.

Ah, it was Mothers' Day as well. My family back home had get-togethers of which I obviously couldn't be a part, so I sent them my love and appreciation silently and was there with them in spirit for a moment. Also talked to a couple of them on the phone at some point over the weekend.

My own hippie/farmgirl/free-spirit mother passed on about ten years ago this past April at the waaay too-young age of 42 of heart complications brought on by type-1 diabetes. (Yeah, bummer.) I was 23ish, my sister a year younger, and our half-brother was 14ish...wow. I am so proud of the man he is and is still becoming in light of such a deep and wounding loss at that early age. I would have been a wreck. (Hey – not a far leap for me! jk)

As people do ask, Mothers' Day isn't really so difficult, to me. It's those other moments, the little ones in which the absence of her presence, voice, experience/guidance, and comfort (the kind which only moms have/can give) really reach out and slap you that are the difficult times. MD is a great time to remember; for me to look both at the inner and outer manifestations of her genetics, spirit, and influence in my life (and my siblings' also) and who I am and to sit in that light of gratitude and warmth in knowing that she did a wonderful and very beautifully human job of mothering us and a whole bunch of others in her short time here.

I'm lucky and grateful as well to have the presence and influence of three aunts, Mom's sisters - two in particular who have been such soothing and mothering/guiding influences for me since Mom jumped the River laughing. Thank the gods for these women in my life. I need to send them cards as I'm thinking about it now.
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  #43  
Old 05-13-2014, 01:16 AM
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Default Upd8 - Part II

So.

I'm headed back home in about two weeks, MOL, for two gigs there – one by request of a good friend and fellow vocalist (a badass) with whom I shared a fun, sweet, heavily delicious fling-thing seven or so years ago (while I was with J – ugh, I know) that never went all the way sexually. Second gig is with my own group of Libra guys back home. (That's so cool...we are four Libras in a band. It makes for some hell sometimes. Lol) Looking forward to that.

I am committed to spending only three or four days at home this time, depending on how long I stay and visit with Dad (one day or two) before I head back here. While I'm home, I want to see J, probably spend a night and some touch, love, and care. I also feel like we are due some communication. I wish I could see Z, but I know and accept that's out of the picture for now. I may leave a bottle of wine from here on his porch when he is not home. That's not contact, is it?

Being out here and rolling solo are currently being very good to and for me. I'm meeting new people all the time (both personal and musical), and I am selectively sharing space, time, info, and my own energy. My guts and heart are telling me that I'm on a good path with that. While it gets lonely at times, I am very specifically lonely for only a few people, and they are there, at home.

Z: Tomorrow evening will mark ONLY A WEEK since we agreed to no contact (his idea) except in case of “emergency.” God...only a friggin week. Seems like it's been a month. I still think about him daily, several times daily...okay, all the time. I know that'll linger and be slow going away. So much reminds me of him; so much I wish I could tell him about, share in some way with him. Such a beautiful and huge man. Love him. Miss him. The more firmly I (slowly) find myself grounded in my own body, mind, energy, life, and priorities, the less certain I am that what was “missing” in my feelings for him was a dealbreaker. So much good going for us, between us...my irongrip heart says there is a way. Still....

J: What is there between us, and in me for him, will always be there, I feel. It's true for me. A deep place of sweet comforting; companionship in the pain, sorrows, joys, and some pleasures of simply being human; both a physical and emotional attraction (he is handsome to my eye, ear, and heart)... After the initial physical attraction, I must admit that a big part of the thick connection between us is the shelter. He can soothe me easily with his voice and his long-fingered hands in my hair and on my skin. (God, tears in my eyes a little as I think of this. Part of it's the red wine, swear...) And my presence next to him and touch on his skin and his heart, that waking up in the middle of the night with me next to him, is an equal and very pleasant salve to the sadness of that very simple and human (maybe existential?) loneliness.

We can be sad creatures, J and I. That is part of what brought us together, and then subsequently to an end, the first time. Our individual flavors of that “existential sadness” can really amplify the volume and depth of each other's, but it also causes us to understand, to empathize, and to be very capable of soothing the sorrow and fears sometimes caused by that in the other when it rears its head. I realized at some point that that is something that I feel we both need to be vigilantly aware of and proactive about. Two sad and lonely people making a relationship? That can't be all it is, or we're in trouble! And that isn't all it is, but since that's at each of our cores, we gotta watch it – watch our own energy and make sure to take care of ourselves and maintain that balance. Focus on the right stuff, the good stuff, the positive stuff...don't let that “natural” sad drag either (both!) of us down, cuz if it gets you there, it can keep you there.

Need to talk to J. Am becoming more sure of this: even as I love both him and Z very much, in the other hand is the certainty of being solo and staying pretty detached (not getting entangled, as is my wont to do in relationship) being very good for me and helping me grow and stay clear and learn focus.

At one time, J was one of my best friends. We may slowly approach that again. Openness and bold honesty. Got to be me with you, love...and everyone else. And what I need and want and choose right now will probably not be exactly in line with what you need and want and choose. I just need us both to understand and be pretty clear with each other. Then, at very least, we can be allies on our individual paths, whether they parallel, intersect, or diverge.

Then there are a couple of people who are and have always been very, very good friends, influences, and confidants, whose presences I miss. I hope I get to see MW when I get home. I'll write him this evening and see if we can't line up dinner.

Also: Started a private blog for these people who are those friends and confidants of many years and shared experiences. Feeling good about that. PoetGirl says “live wide open”, and I am taking steps down that path.

Feeling gratitude and appreciation for this time in my life and also for what it's taken to get here. Thanks to my heart's companions for being who they are and have been to me. I hope we can be boons to and for each other in the present and future.

Now...enough with the snow and rain already. Didn't you get the memo that summer's almost here?? I need some sunshine!!
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  #44  
Old 05-14-2014, 05:17 AM
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Default Codependence/Independence/Interdependence

A very good friend of mine, who keeps up with my ongoings out here through my blog, suggested this article to me:

On codependence, independence, and interdependence - how to identify & work thru the "continuum"...
http://www.smartlifestyledesign.com/...nterdependence

I am benefitting from reading it. Most here on these boards already know this stuff and have integrated it. Never know who might get something from it, so I'm sharing...
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Old 06-13-2014, 02:14 PM
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Default So Much Change.

Been a month since I posted/visited, and a lot has happened.

I started this huge, winding tale, but it's gotten so long and confusing (even to me, timeline-wise) that I'm starting all over and trying to condense. I'll hit the highlights here and elaborate later.

Went home for about 3 weeks. Spent a lot of good time with J. Had some great fam time with dad, sis & baby nephew. Also reconnected with Z.

Didn't talk to Z for a month, at his request. (First week or so was very difficult, then I loosened up.) Then one afternoon back home, I heard from him out of the blue, and we talked for an hour on the phone later that evening. Catching up some. He's done some successful deprog/reprog'ing, and sounds all the better for it.

While I was home, we had some unexpected, very impassioned, and very mutual sexual and emotional firework reconnecting, and talked a lot then, and a lot more since.

Turns out that my beautiful heart's brother Z, who had decided a couple months ago that one woman and simplicity was what he truly wanted, has a relatively new infatuation – AND wants to continue an emotional and sexual relationship with his best friend. LOL. I'm both happy for everyone involved and actually (facepalm) dealing with some bits of insecurity of my own. But all in all, I'm good, and so is he.

I know his current object of desire, though not well, and she's a gorgeous little hottie and very cool people. They've actually had a little interest in each other and a developing friendship for a while now. She has some things going on in her life right now too; may be ending a long term relationship of her own. I can smell and hear the NRE all over him. It's in early stages, but I can hear and sense that it feels very good for both of them.

Things are pretty cool, and life is good. I'm being presented with some things - situations, feelings, challenges – that I really haven't had to deal with before. Some of it is kind of uncomfortable. It sucks and it feels shallow to compare yourself to someone else. But hey, I also realize that Z felt that way for a long time with me regarding J – so the tables have just been turned. I'm having to face some of my demons and grow. So what. So much of the past four years of my life (Z's too) have been facing demons and growing. Seemingly blazing new trails for ourselves.

I've had a few days to sort out my feelings and nail down some of the reasons for the initial anxieties that overcame me. The negative feelings in me are small, and they seem to boil down to A) a little anxiety over my need for assurance that I do have place in his life, and B) a little envy over their NRE.

We've all been there and felt that before, how good it feels; how you glow from the inside out with that mutual tunnel vision for each other. I'm happy for them, and I also don't have that in my life right now. I don't necessarily need it, and for me it always comes along when it will, for its own reasons. I don't seek it out in this case. My thing with J has not been infatuation for a long time, but a deep undercurrent of tender caring and attracting and a desire to care for and be cared for. It's very different than the explosive, fluttering chemical orgasm of NRE.

“Life begins where your comfort zone ends.” I will forever love that quote.

Anyway.

Had a lot of talk with J too. Told him where I was in life, with Z, with him, how I felt. Told him I'd decided to stay out of anything that even sniffed of exclusivity or commitment for the next year, in order to do some exploration and foundation-building of my own. Asked him to do a little work himself, both for his own and my/our sake, figuring out some of his own wants and needs in a relationship, some of his own hard-line boundaries and soft boundaries. What are some things he's sure he need/wants, and what are some things he thinks he wants or doesn't want that he simply hasn't explored much for himself, maybe out of fear? What are your negotiables and your non-negotiables? What do we do for each other that keeps us coming back to each other, and is it crutch stuff that we need to grow past, or is it legit, mutually beneficial stuff? CAN we help each other grow and be good partners?

Told J I'd be bluntly honest with him about anything that might affect him that he wanted to know about, and I'd offer up any information that I would want to know if tables were turned. No matter what we end up being to each other, I want mutual trust between us, and I want him to know that I will always be his friend if he wants that.

So...I'm off to dig up my old books on poly & jealousy, and to find a few new ones on specific issues that I find myself dealing with. (Exclusion jealousy? LOL anyone have any good suggestions?) I really feel like this is mostly where I've wanted and pushed to be for quite a while, in this space with these particular people I care about, and I want to do as much for myself and for them that I can.

Two solid weeks here before I go back home for a while, for gigs & events & some more work. Have to admit to myself, I've been doing more thinking, processing, dealing with, and working out for the past couple days since I've been back than I've been working on my music & skills. GOT to get back on that tomorrow. But I'm keeping the place thru the end of August; basically time-sharing it with a girl friend who spent a few days up here recently while I was back home. She was seeking a meditative retreat as well, and was absolutely DELIGHTED with this tiny, quiet place and its beauty. So we're going halvesies on the next two months, and should both be able to float, with a little advance scheduling.

I've been running and jumping rope seriously for the past couple days. Usually it's one or the other, but when you feel a little off about yourself, sure never hurts to get the feel-good hormones up and kicking, and to improve yourself in little ways as you can, as well. Have a jazz show tomorrow night at my reg Fri night place, and looking forward to that.

Am meditating regularly again, though my mind has been so jumpy the past few days that the most beneficial thing I've done in meditation is just to show up and do it, to place another stone in the foundation of discipline.

Things to deal with here and there, but life proves to be good. I'm wide open and free, and that feels amazing. A dear and kindred spirit and best friend of mine is both happy and free, and currently wants to retain our friendship like I do, and that also feels amazing. A longtime and continually-gravitating-back-to-each-other love and I are closer in touch and talk has commenced about how to be good for each other and what our relationship needs to look and feel like for both of us.

I do not feel that boxed-in, trapped feeling that has come as part of the package of most every relationship I've been in. In fact, it's taking me some adjusting to the fact that I can feel this way – free, connected, loved, open and available to possibility, and secure.

Whew! Talk about doing a 180!
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Old 07-14-2014, 10:52 AM
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Default More Change - Tables Turned. Pt. I

7.13.14

Seems like the changes have it lately. Not all pleasant, not all unpleasant. This is a land I've been in very little up til now.

I've moved back home, to my homecity from the high desert mountains a day away. Am glad about it. Started a new day gig; it's going to prove to be perfect with its flexibility and relaxed guidelines.

Also got a perfect, tiny place – will move in later this coming week. It's also, ironically, a block and a half from Z's place.

So. The skinny:

After all my reading, thinking, talking, blogging, soapboxing, etc, it has been ME who's currently having more hangups and issues with trying the poly thing than Z is currently having. I try not to compare, but I must admit that I can often be so competitive that it's better for me ultimately not to play. (NOT that I think of or am treating our situation/s or circumstances as a game – just sayin'.)

His crush – whom I'll call Crush – is in a delicate home situation herself, not knowing, it seems, whether she's staying or going. She and I are acquaintances, and she's cool; I do not know her well; we aren't close. No big deal. I don't yet know if that fact has been boon or bane to the degree of pos/negitivity of my emotions regarding her/them. She's beautiful; she and Z have good chemistry together, and they do have common interests. They and another friend are going camping out of state here in a couple weeks. It'll be good for me, I have to say, to have him out of town, and them together out of town, now that I'm back home.

A good lady friend of mine for about 5 years now, whom I'll call Pixie because she is TINY, gorgeous, a mother, VERY aware and centered, both a professional and an artist, free as the wind, and obviously bi-curious, has expressed interest in having a threesome with Z and myself – something the two of them say they've never tried but want to. I was part of one once, but I was drunk (that says enough) and participating for some of the wrong reasons, all the while not even sure that's what I wanted to be doing.

I was out with J on the particular night that I got a text from Pixie saying that Z had said I was down to do 3, and was I truly? Well...I was drunk. And I can be a huge pleaser. And have a lot of ego tied up in shit, which never fails to fuck things up. So, I texted her back and was like, “oh yeah, blah blah blah, but I want to get with you first and check things out, etc etc.” And when I woke up hungover the next morning, I was like, WTF....

I've never been turned on by a woman. Ever. I have been turned on by the thought of woman-on-woman, but my own needs and tendencies for arousal run in the overwhelmingly male, sometimes father-figure vein. I love a man, I want a man, I need a man to get sexually/emotionally satisfied (I don't know at this point how to separate that sexual/emotional link. Should I even bother trying? Am currently exploring these questions and more.)

I wondered if Pixie didn't feel some chemistry at times. We've made out a few times, and sometimes it's been really fun. Sometimes it's been kind of a putting-on-a-show thing; others it was for me this “wow, she's hot and attracted to me” thing, a big ego-boost.

There's always been fear, ego, and childlike need inextricably linked, alongside the more mature aspects of self, inside the envelope of my attractions, my sexuality, my lovemaking. This is something that I'm being forced to face and decide what I want to do with at this point. Is it fine with me; should I go ahead with my comfort zone and close down to what I have decided thus far by gut-check that I do not want? Or, if I can detect even a shred of fear in my lockdown reaction, should I turn INTO that reaction, break it open, check it out thoroughly, face it, move into it, study it, try it out for myself? See if it's simply something I haven't wanted up to now because I was afraid of something about it, or something about myself, or...?

If so much of what I want truly IS just outside my comfort zone; maybe the time has come to stay just on the line and pushing it. 'Course, I've been in the place where I'm pushing toward what I truly DON'T want, for the sake of someone else, and that's fucking miserable. I kinda hafta be vigilant about my guts, my motivation/s, my own feelings, and where the line is between pushing hard for me and what I want and pushing that line for someone else (to please).

Anyway. I freaked out some a couple days after that night of drunk-texting. I had these overwhelmingly insecure and small thoughts, feelings, huge anxiety. Suspicions that Pixie and Z simply wanted to hook up with each other and didn't want to make me feel excluded (which is kind in its own way, I suppose, but hey – nobody wants to be that guy in the bed who suddenly realizes they were simply the vehicle to the other two hooking up); that perhaps things had gone on behind my back up to this point and the co-suggestion of a 3some was kind of a band-aid. I REALLY had this breakdown moment when I imagined the point that the two of them were fucking – suddenly looking deep into each others' eyes, totally lost in each other, possibly discovering infatuating feelings and for each other, the sex being mind-blowing for the two of them – and lil ol' me sitting to the side, watching all this go down, fading from existence.

'Twas heavy shit for my lil ol head and heart to deal with. I 'fess – I cried some. I was terrified.

And more weirdness: I've been realizing for the past couple months how much Z has actually grown on me. Maybe I'm truly no more instinctively or romantically attracted to him than I ever was – he's no gentle, tethering father-type, and there are other little things – but I can sometimes read his friggin mind, and he mine. There are some really good things about us. I've never wanted to lose those.

But...I've wanted to clean out the shit between us – most of it has been MY shit, about & around me. Now is the opportune time; it's here & it's happening.

Z's always been more emotionally independent than I have. I crave and need; I wrap my life and myself around someone. He did too, with me, and with his ex, but I think neither of us wants to feel or be so much that way now. I know I've needed a foundation under me that no one could disturb for a long time.

I talked to Pixie a couple days after all that drunk-texting I'd done and told her that I had to take the 3some off the table; that there was a good chance I wouldn't be able to hold myself and my “shit” together in the aftermath and I could really fuck some shit up between any or all of us that way. I don't want to ruin any of what is good right now. I also told her that if the two of them wanted to hook up, go ahead – I'd deal with my feelings, and they shouldn't cater to my insecurities. I've been the one talking all this mad shit for so long, it was (is) time for me to walk my talk. (At very least, find out if that's what I really DO want, now that the opportunity has been fucking giftwrapped and set in my waiting lap. Geez.)

Tables turned. Now it's ME freaking out about the poly shit, about other people being involved in a relationship I only kind of wanted, and Z seems to be level and enjoying it. Well, part of it is that he's got some NRE going on, and also a little infatuation with a friend of ours, while I'm working with a) my relationship with him, and b) an old, tender, broken-in love with J, which is low on the chemical-cocktail ingredients at this point. I don't mind any of this, but I have to keep things in perspective, too.

Back to the thing with Pix. So then I had a couple of days of COMPLETE rollercoaster emotions, and at the end of day two, I started to loosen up. My Absolute No turned into realizations that Pixie has always been loving and kind and straight up with me about anything we've talked about. It turned into a Maybe. Then that Maybe fluctuated to a Tentative Okay when I realized I was thinking of and treating myself like I was a complete idiot, an unnecessary person, an expendable third party, etc, instead of the capable and intelligent and attractive (just subjective facts here, not Absolute Truths or egoism) human woman that I am. If neither Pix nor Z saw or wanted anything in me that they liked, neither of them would ever have acted like they did in the first place. (Hey, I'm wanted and loved around here too, dammit.) Yeah. There was some reeeeal insecurity going on inside this mind & body.

Then that Tentative Okay turned into a Suuuure once I realized how much fear was stopping me from just TRYING this. Yes, what I foresaw – Z and Pix totally tapping into each other on all levels and me watching from the sidelines, fading away unwanted – could totally happen. That's also the Movie In My Mind, and it tends to jump to either my best- or worst-case (subjective) scenario.

Another realization slowly bubbled to the front of my consciousness, one that I never would've been able to see or believe six months ago: There's so much more to my life than this sex and relationship stuff.
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Old 10-30-2014, 09:54 PM
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Last post was about three months ago.

Short lowdown for now. More later.

End of July, Z, Pix, and I ended up having the threesome. I won't say it was a fail, but I will say it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life.

We'd all had a couple of drinks to loosen up, and Pix and I had spend a few hours on the town, getting dinner and hanging out. It was supposed to be our "date" and it turned into...well, I feel like it turned into her wanting to get back to Z's and get on with the three thing.

I'd already talked to both of them separately, individually. They both knew that watching them fuck would be difficult for me - bother me - but I told them that they should go for it if they really wanted to. Both of them - separately - replied, "no, I don't want to do that if it bothers you", but in the moment, of course, it turned into "I really want to do that so I'm going to." Or rather, they did, and it surely appeared to me like they wanted to.

I remember feeling like "let's get on with it, already" and wondering if I could stomach it. I remember feeling anger, almost to a rage, and deep hurt - I could have cried.

We woke up the next morning, had coffee together, chatted a little, Pix snuggling up to me on the couch, and then she left in the late morning. I kept most of it to myself, and I dealt silently with the emotions.

I also still haven't told either of them the extent of this. Only told Pix, after she asked, that I didn't feel like it had a place in my life for now. Later, I had to tell her too that I didn't feel anything sexual for her, either.

I realize that I *wanted* to be cool, to be able to take it, to be invulnerable to the feelings that I felt. I wanted to be tough. But I didn't want *any* of that that we partook in.

I realized that I have been attempting to "conquer my fears" by beating myself, by beating my head against a wall.

I don't currently have any sexual attraction to women. Why would I try to?
Nor do I want to have a threesome, or watch a man with whom I have such a difficult and enmeshed/invested past fuck another woman. I don't care who she is. (Pix is practically a sister to me; I do love her dearly.)

Right after this ordeal - for indeed, it was - Z went on out-of-state vacay with his crush and a mutual friend of all of ours. For two weeks. I dealt with high states of anxiety, tears, anger, compassion/compersion-less ice, and decided to distance myself emotionally from him without bothering to explain any of it.

Then he got back, and shit was still weird. Of course I still didn't want to talk. I just wanted to "beat my fears" and "get over my shit" and emerge victorious. I didn't want to even THINK that I couldn't handle the tail of this dragon I'd moaned about wanting for myself for so long.

THEN...I read this book called "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. And VIOLA - dead-ringer.

Me = love addict extraordinaire. Read more about it here:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ove-addiction/

It was like finding the cure for a disease I'd had all my life.

I spent a couple weeks mostly ignoring (and resenting) him after that, whilst finishing reading my book.

READER BE AWARE: I KNOW that this isn't "doing poly right". This is mess and mind games. This has been me still stumbling around looking for what my problem is. I KNOW.

After that, although he didn't talk much about it (ever), it seems that his crush decided she didn't want to leave hubby and home after all (if she was ever going to), and that fell away.

I had finally reached a position mentally and emotionally where I recognized all the love-addict-fucked-upness that had gone on during our four-ish years together, all the dependency and crazy cycling, all my heat+ice, all the drama, etc. I recognized that most of that stuff was MINE, and I also recognized (thanks, book) that most of my mess stems from childhood. Deep fears of abandonment, and interestingly enough, also of true intimacy.

"Don't leave me, I can't live without you" and "I'll never let you truly know me; that's just giving you ammunition." Basically. Well, I'd already known the first part. The second part was new to me, but it finally made sense.

Realizing that I already had all that stuff within me that I'd been looking for for so long in a man was a founding step. A good one in the right direction. Spending time by myself and starting to get back into my own mind, preferences, the things I like to do, spending time with friends with NO sex or attraction involved...SIMPLICITY.

I'd been missing simplicity too. And hadn't known it.

Anyway, at that point, crush had basically called all things off. I don't think she was much even responding to his communications, if he was sending any. He was spending most of his time with me again. And things felt good.

All this time I FOUGHT for him to attempt to be open to poly, mainly so I could get some degree of relationship back with J. (What I really wanted was the comfort and seemingly effortless, comfortable dependency and simplicity of our relationship together again. I wanted that space baaaaaaad.) And after a month or so of seeing J some, we finally had the talk. He came straight out and said he wanted to be someone's Plan A. Which I totally understood. I, dealing with my own thoughts and feelings triggered by and about Z and his crush, was feeling like second fiddle, sort of used and like an old toy, myself. I totally understood where J was coming from. And I let it go.

We both needed simplicity. Whether separately or together.

So, haven't talked to J since then. Except for the sweet text he always, unfailingly sends me early on the morning of my birthday, telling me to remember that I'm loved. I returned it.

Man...this shit gets hard.
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Old 11-11-2014, 08:46 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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I'm big on reading and books, and big on self-help stuff. Help yourself. Of course.

So I chewed on this book called I Need Your Love. Is That True? by Byron Katie. GREAT stuff. All about keeping your mind where it should be - in YOUR OWN business. About your unspoken and often undetected expectations for/on another, for a relationship, etc.

What do I need from you?
What do I want from you?
What have I been expecting from you?

What am I expecting, wanting, needing from you or someone else that I can and should be giving to MYSELF?

A while back, when first stepping out on this branch of my journey (cliche, cliche, cliche), I thought I wanted to crush my fears and anxieties so that I could embrace the bliss of what polyamory had to offer, of Loving More Than One.

Through the twists, turns, and flip-flops since, I've realized that I had it backwards: in reality, I've chosen to try polyamory during this current phase in my life more as a tool to aid me in learning and teaching myself to get through and over, to learn to deal with, some of my most powerful fears and anxieties.

Oh. Wow. Okay.

_____________________________

Pix and I have since hung out and talked a little.

After listening to what Byron Katie has to say, I've dropped some of my shit, and I've learned to question my thoughts when I feel myself buying in to some of the feelings and mindsets they bring on when I go with them unquestioned.

Z and I don't need each other. We'll live if we quit seeing each other. We've already found that out.

I was part of that threesome, not for my own pleasure or even for theirs - I needed to be in control of what happened, and I needed to keep track. It was about control and getting exposure to things I don't care for, even turn me off.

I don't need Pix to want me sexually. I don't want her or another woman that way. It's fine.

I need to - and CAN - go after and participate fully in what I know that I like. I don't need anyone else's input or opinions on that, and they're fully able to go after what they want and like. It's that simple.

It's a big deal to keep my nose out of other people's business and immerse myself fully in my own. I grew up always worried about what and how other people wanted me to be.

Learning.
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