Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-08-2012, 03:35 AM
NewCrobuzon NewCrobuzon is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 7
Default Am I Polyamorous or Just Juvenilely Craving More Affection?

I looked around at some of the advice threads in the "Links to Other Threads Worth Reading" sticky, but most of them dealt with things like, "I'm Poly and I'm Dating a Mono!" or "I'm poly and I can't find a bicycle built for four!" In summary, I didn't see much advice for people still trying to figure out if they're polyamorous at all, so I hope y'all don't mind one more thread of confused complaining (i.e. this one.)

As I mentioned in my intro thread, I'm in a loving long term essentially mono relationship. I've recently started to get heart fluttery feelings for this woman we've been hanging around and having sex with. This leads me to believe I might be wired to love more than one person at a time.

On the other hand, I've always been prone to taking my own feelings too seriously. In high school, I thought every crush was true love, and I tended to get horribly depressed over nothing. I believe this stemmed from a lack of parental affection in childhood: I had an extreme craving for any form of love and affection to make up for the lack of these interactions elsewhere. And the thing is, these heart fluttery feelings I'm getting nowadays are quite reminiscent of the ones I got as a teenage idiot.

So, am I polyamorous? Or am I just receding into my juvenile misunderstanding of love? Am I falling in love with this other woman? Or is this a fleeting crush like the dozens I worked through and forgot about as a teenager?

Does anyone have any similar feelings or experiences?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-08-2012, 04:57 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 636
Default

That's a great question, and I applaud you for considering alternate possibilities beyond polyamory.

Another thing to consider is that biochemically, when you are having sex with someone, sharing affection, it is almost a given that you are going to develop some emotional attachment to the person. The following article (it's not about porn, just resides on this domain name) tells how to increase bonding between primary partners. However, I would say that the flip side of that is that if you are sharing bonding behavior ~ which includes sex ~ with another partner, you will be bonding to them in some way too.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/the-lazy-way-to-stay-in-love

While I have nothing against the whole friends with benefits idea, I don't see how one couldn't help but to develop some attachment.

So back to your original question. Since polyamory is loving more than one and you want to know if you could possibly be polyamorous, I would ask you this question: Do the feelings you're developing with the friend, take away from the feelings you have with your primary?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-08-2012, 05:04 PM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 695
Default

I can so relate to your feelings of 'crushes.' I suspect I have always been poly, I've just been a take-life-as-it-comes sort of person, and the opportunity hadn't presented itself. [although I can look back and see when there was one, I was into it]

I fall in love with most of my friends. I'm more attracted to brains and personality, and don't worry so much about bodies. I've learned to work through it, especially with people who clearly wouldn't be compatible lovers, but make excellent friends. Or even, people I would love to have for lovers, but my plate of lovers is full at the moment.

I think bookbug's question is an excellent one. I was quite surprised to find that my current situation only increases the love I have for both of them, rather than taking away.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-08-2012, 11:57 PM
NewCrobuzon NewCrobuzon is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 7
Default

Thanks much for the responses (and the article)! I really appreciate you taking the time to think about these funny old issues of mine.

I disagree slightly with one of your premises though. In particular, I think it is possible to maintain a friends with benefits relationship without emotional attachment. As the article you linked points out, it is behaviors like cuddling and casual touching that tends to inspire romantic feelings. Whereas sex can just be sex. I think the difference in my case is that with this most recent partner we've been spending more time around her and being more physically affectionate than we have with previous casual sex partners.

To answer your question, no, I don't think my feelings for this other woman at all diminish my feelings for my primary. I love my girlfriend, and nothing will change that. I'm more worried about my girlfriend's reaction to finding out I might like her to be my primary and not my only. She has said in the past she would like us to remain emotionally exclusive. I want to stay with her and make things work, but I have no idea how to explain my feelings for other people. I think she would rather I ignore them.

Hence my apprehension in my OP. I don't want to raise a lot of drama and an intense relationship discussion over what may really be just me being childish about love.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-09-2012, 01:04 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
great article!

In your place I would probably tell my husband about my feelings and confusion about them. I wouldn't broach them with the other person though until I felt I really had a handle on what it was I was feeling.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-09-2012, 04:43 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 636
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewCrobuzon View Post
Thanks much for the responses (and the article)! I really appreciate you taking the time to think about these funny old issues of mine.

I disagree slightly with one of your premises though. In particular, I think it is possible to maintain a friends with benefits relationship without emotional attachment. As the article you linked points out, it is behaviors like cuddling and casual touching that tends to inspire romantic feelings. Whereas sex can just be sex. I think the difference in my case is that with this most recent partner we've been spending more time around her and being more physically affectionate than we have with previous casual sex partners.
Okay, yes, I see your point about the difference between sex and displays of affection (not my bailiwick, but that's beside the point), but you may have just answered your own question. You are sharing more affectionate behavior with this woman, so now you've got the biochemistry to consider. That said, perhaps you are sharing affection with her because you truly find her to be partner material. Still, the biochemistry is an issue.

So that said, as NovemberRain mentioned she falls in love with people's minds. So what else to do you find attractive about this woman, besides her physical prowess? If you look, and you say you have these feelings for her because she's really great in the sack, I'd have to wonder if your feelings are just biochemically motivated. However, if you see things in her besides her sex appeal ~ like her philosophy on life for example ~ perhaps you are falling for her.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-09-2012, 10:12 PM
NewCrobuzon NewCrobuzon is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 7
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
great article!

In your place I would probably tell my husband about my feelings and confusion about them. I wouldn't broach them with the other person though until I felt I really had a handle on what it was I was feeling.
I'm hoping to avoid broaching it with either of them for a while. GF and I have been through a lot of annoying relationship discussions recently (on different, but related, issues) and I don't think now is the time to hassle her with this new complication. Funnily enough, the other lady in the picture would probably understand the situation pretty easily, as she is very laid back and self-identifies as poly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
So that said, as NovemberRain mentioned she falls in love with people's minds. So what else to do you find attractive about this woman, besides her physical prowess? If you look, and you say you have these feelings for her because she's really great in the sack, I'd have to wonder if your feelings are just biochemically motivated. However, if you see things in her besides her sex appeal ~ like her philosophy on life for example ~ perhaps you are falling for her.
My feelings are definitely motivated by more than just lust. There are plenty of people in the world that I'm attracted to physically, and so would love to get down to boning with, but I wouldn't want to spend that much around them or be their friends. With this partner, I want very much to be sexual, and to be affectionate, and to be good friends. What else is there to the beginnings of a romantic relationship? There's no doubt in my mind that I have some not-just-sexual feelings for her. What troubles me is there may be millions of people out there about whom I could feel the same way. (Again, maybe it's the way I'm wired.) In that case, where does it ever end? Do I latch onto every single person on the street that strikes my fancy? I don't know.

Thanks again for all your advice on this. One thing that gives me hope that my situation may work out some day is noticing all of the poly people on here in relationships with monos, in particular the people operating as hinges in Vs (which may be where my situation is headed). I just hope that if it comes to it, my long term partner is as understanding and accepting as many of the partners of people on here have been.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-10-2012, 06:37 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewCrobuzon View Post
What troubles me is there may be millions of people out there about whom I could feel the same way. (Again, maybe it's the way I'm wired.) In that case, where does it ever end? Do I latch onto every single person on the street that strikes my fancy? I don't know.
No, not really. First, you have to meet them. Your'e not going to meet millions of people in your lifetime, most likely. Maybe thousands. Then, look at your beginnings of a romantic relationship list again: You have to want to be sexually intimate with them AND want to be affectionate AND want to spend time with them AND be their friend. And THEN they have to feel a similar way about you BACK!! AND be okay with the extra work that comes along with multiple relationships. Sometimes, if I think about the probabilities, I'm sort of amazed that ANYONE ends up in a LTR, let alone more than one!

(okay, I know this was a little flippant and doesn't address the main issue, but it was something that came up today comparing how many serious relationships a serial monogamist had had versus how many I'd had)
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-10-2012, 04:56 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,499
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NewCrobuzon View Post
. What troubles me is there may be millions of people out there about whom I could feel the same way. (Again, maybe it's the way I'm wired.) In that case, where does it ever end? Do I latch onto every single person on the street that strikes my fancy? I don't know.
I'll address this as it's where I am right now.

After practicing polyamory fully now for over 3 years (and having a primary and poly gf for just 3 yrs), I've dated a lot, meeting men on ok cupid. I had one no-strings attached, mostly just a play partner as well for 2 years, but otherwise, didn't meet any men who really met my standards of a full poly relationship. However, starting late last year, I met 3 guys one of top of the other who seemed to meet my standards! Boom, boom, boom, it's raining men.

I realized having 4 lovers was full on polysaturation! I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off, in NRE and also still loving on my original partner.

I had no time for myself! I've since made the decision to let one relationship sort of drift away. He's not good at keeping in touch between dates, so I'm letting the ball remain in his court for meeting again.This way I can focus on being fully "there" for the other 3.

I've also got 3 more guys on a "waiting list..." and I've just had to leave them hanging, even though they seem like they'd be great fun to meet and hang out with/have sex with.

One poster here recently had talked about how her bf has 7 gfs, and I guess sees a different one every night of the week, and is even trying to kill 2 or 3 birds with one stone and take them all out together. That's just ridiculous.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-10-2012, 07:15 PM
zenlove1 zenlove1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 12
Default I know that feeling (or a similar one)

itīs good to find this thread.

I myself have felt a similar way for a long time. The difference is that we have never tried polyamory before. I am new to polyamory and this forum...and havenīt told my girlfriend yet.

I have been nearly 4 years now in a mono-mono relationship (neither of us having ever mentioned the possibility of trying poly) but I often feel "something" towards other girls. Itīs hard to find out what that something is without having tried poly. But in some cases seems to be more than just physical attraction.
I am not sure whether polyamory is really the appropriate thing for me to find harmony or if this feelings for other women are just an expression of a juvenile craving for experiences I missed in my highschool or college years.

The only solution is probably being frank with my girlfriend, letting her now about all this and seeing how she reacts.

Sorry for diverting the thread away from the original post!I just felt myself somehow identified with the original posterīs feeling and wanted to share my experience (some feedback would be greatly appreciated, by the way).

* I have heard somewhere that poly-mono relationships work sometimes.
I hope it can work for us (in the very probable case that she is not interested in polyamory).

thanks!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
crushes, feelings

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:54 PM.