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Old 03-15-2010, 09:17 PM
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Question Is liking someone enough really enough?

So BF & I have enjoyed almost 8 years together, 7 of them were mono years. The last year has been great exploring our poly sides, mostly because of all the open honesty that we now have for each other.

Ok, so here's the thing though. We recently started dating a female together. This is BF's coworker and someone he knew many years ago. She is a bit younger than me, and I can deal with that I would like to say that our main issue is lack of common intrests, but it really is deaper than that. Normally she comes to our house. Usualy by herself and sometimes with her BF. So, a couple of days ago she invites us over to her house, and I was astonished by what I saw when I got there. I don't want to sound stuck up, so without going into too many details, she is living in a very dangerous environment. I felt a little betrayed that day because she was in her territory and was comfortable and I got to see a totaly different side of her. Now because of it, BF and I have prematuraly invited her to live with us. This stemmed from us being frightened for her and her children.

Then, I find out she is coming to see us behind her BF's back, and "getting in trouble" when she gets home. I am not a homewrecker and I am not comfortable with this. I was originally told that her BF knew that she was dating us, but I didn't know her BF was interested in also dating me (not going to happen!). I think this is the real reason he now has hang-ups on her dating us without him. I feel like I was told so many things and shown what I wanted to see, so i was really confused when I saw her home (and what was going on there), and she sat next to me on the couch lying to him about being at my home.

I have told BF about my hang-ups with this. He understands, but he really likes her and feels sorry for her (I'm sorry, I don't, she is an adult that makes her own decisions). I am willing to continue feeling out the situation for now, but I am sad that nothing is really what it seemed. I like her enough, but enough is not what we are looking for. I haven't even had a moment alone with her to tell her how I feel, instead my BF is the in between (and sometimes words and feelings get twisted)

I'm not really looking for advice, but if you have any it sure would be handy! I really could use some support while I figure this out.

LeeAnn
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Old 03-15-2010, 09:43 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Firedancer View Post
(I'm sorry, I don't, she is an adult that makes her own decisions). I am willing to continue feeling out the situation for now, but I am sad that nothing is really what it seemed. I like her enough, but enough is not what we are looking for. I haven't even had a moment alone with her to tell her how I feel, instead my BF is the in between (and sometimes words and feelings get twisted)


LeeAnn
Not much advice but I totally understand your point. You've got to remove your BF for a bit and talk directly with her. I wouldn't recommend having her move in. Major red flag. If she's not honest with her other guy what makes you think she will be with you?
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Old 03-16-2010, 06:22 AM
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One piece of advise I have heard is not to move in, relocate, change jobs or do any huge life changes until at least 6 months after you have dated someone (maybe a year if you don't see them that often). NRE can lead people to do thing that they will regret.

I agree with Mono that it is a good sign that she will lie to you if she is lying to her BF. But I am also one for working past problems if possible (only if they are really trying).
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Old 03-16-2010, 01:44 PM
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If this is to work in any way, the lying has to stop, and right now. As you haven't stated why things are dangerous for her at home, there might be some very good reasons about why she is lying to her BF (like if he was being abusive towards her).

I think that if you want to help her you need to help her get out of that dangerous situation - support her efforts to get out with her kids and find some place to live where she can be safe. Maybe she could use some counseling, too.

Moving in with you and stepping up the poly relationship might not be the best thing, but then again, if it gets her out of a bad h9ome environment it might help. (But then again it might just move the drama to your household, if the BF starts to take it out on you).

It's probably best that you don't share the specifics here, but it's difficult to give concrete advice without them, you know?

This is a very tough situation for you, since you both obviously care for her and want what is best for her and her children.
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Old 03-16-2010, 03:28 PM
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I vote with everyone else so far on the "not move in" part.
We (mate & I ) have kind of been in this situation and did otherwise. Although in our case there was absolutely no danger involved or opportunity for big drama, because we hadn't really had sufficient time to have some of the deep discussions necessary, it turned a beautiful friendship into something strained. Living full time with someone is a VERY different thing than dating or hanging out together.
We got through it pretty much but looking back wish we had maybe looked for a better alternative. Not that there probably was one - but we didn't even look - or discuss it. Just loaded up her stuff one night and home we went !
Your heart is in the right place it seems but try to take what time you can to have some deeper discussions and consider alternatives as part of that. Helping her (and children) without making things worse for anyone is the objective.

Good luck and keep us posted.

GS
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Old 03-17-2010, 04:24 AM
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It's a common feeling in the poly community that if your primary relationship is not strong, you have no business forming other relationships with other people. In this case, it sounds as though HER relationship with her BF is not strong.

As for moving in, I've never seen this be a good solution to problems. Like you said, she's a grown-up and it's her responsibility to solve her own life's issues. By all means, help her, support her, be a shoulder for her to cry on or whatever, but I wouldn't dream of opening up your house to that kind of toxicity.

Someone already said it, but I'll repeat for emphasis: She's lying to her boyfriend about you, and she's lying to you about lying to him. Who knows what else she's lying about? Moving in with her means you'd be opening yourself up to the consequences of that dishonesty.

If it does come to a situation where she absolutely needs somewhere to go and has nowhere to turn to but your place, make sure you put a very definite time limit on it for her to get her life together and get out on her own. Before she packs her bags, help her develop an action plan in terms of getting a job and finding an apartment if that's what she needs.
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Old 03-17-2010, 08:14 PM
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Thank you for the replies. Not one of you said anything that I haven't already thought about.

She (A) and I finally got out alone a couple of nights ago, just the two of us. We both had some things that needed to be talked about. It was nice, but I didn't walk away feeling that she had a complete understanding. Ok, for one, she keeps talking about leaving her BF, but knows she's not ready to do that now. I told her that was fine, but in order for this to work for any of us we all had to be completely open and honest on all parts, including her BF. She tried saying that she wasn't lying, she just wasn't telling him everything (Umm, is this an age thing, because I am totaly rolling my eyes at that statement). I couldn't have been anymore adament on the honesty. I also told her that I wasn't looking for a swap or for her and her BF to be with us... just her. She said she knew that and understood that, then continued to tell me that her and her BF want to have a threesome with my BF. Ok, this was an issue because I made it clear that was not something we were looking for. I was annoyed. She also keeps bringing things up that were discussed between my BF and her, things I thought we staying between him and I. This is an issue I have already, after the fact hashed out with my BF. I told my BF from the begining that this better not be about the two of them wanting to be together, and she is just "willing" to be with me. She assured me this wasn't the case and that she really likes me. She even said she doesn't normally like girls so quickly, that I was different. I believe her that she likes me. I told her we invited her into our home prematurally, and of course she agreed.

I really want this to work, and I am going to continue to feel out the situation. I told her I wanted to take things slower than we were. She agreed. I just hope that she really understands how important the honesty is, and how sex is not nearly as important as that. She's never been the third, said she was always part of the primary couple with a partner. So, taking it slow works for her. But, I guess we will see. Since it is all new, I am willing to work on getting the kinks out and seeing where everyone really stands. I will be paying better attention to the honesty and calling her out on things I am not ok with... it really is the only way for this to work.
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Old 03-17-2010, 09:29 PM
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I agree with everyone who said "don't let her move in". You have a right to set a healthy boundary. Understanding bounderies is another aspect of living a healthy life and expecially a polyamorous one. Boundaries can get confused and easy in this lifestyle! I would not allow someone to move into my home unless I feel a love for them as well as great trust and respect.
I have noticed that people (me included at times) tend to get involved in a monogamous relationship for all the wrong reasons. One of those reasons is because they have met someone who is willing to become sexual with them. I don't think that is a good reason. Also- on the other hand- finding someone who is simply willing to enter a poly relationship is not reason enough to enter into a relationship with them. And- letting someone move in with you because you feel sorry for them is a terrible reason for asking someone to move in..... just my thoughts.....continue to honor yourself Firedancer.
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Old 03-17-2010, 09:41 PM
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
I agree with everyone who said "don't let her move in". You have a right to set a healthy boundary. Understanding bounderies is another aspect of living a healthy life and expecially a polyamorous one. Boundaries can get confused and easy in this lifestyle! I would not allow someone to move into my home unless I feel a love for them as well as great trust and respect.
I have noticed that people (me included at times) tend to get involved in a monogamous relationship for all the wrong reasons. One of those reasons is because they have met someone who is willing to become sexual with them. I don't think that is a good reason. Also- on the other hand- finding someone who is simply willing to enter a poly relationship is not reason enough to enter into a relationship with them. And- letting someone move in with you because you feel sorry for them is a terrible reason for asking someone to move in..... just my thoughts.....continue to honor yourself Firedancer.
Idealist, thank you. I agree, as I said above that asking her to move in was not a good idea. I completely agree with what you said about entering a poly relationship with someone just because they are willing. I am really learning a lot, and seeing some great points around here that I guess I hadn't put enough thought into. We are definately slowing things down, and I will continue to relay to her that without honesty we can not be in this together. I'm so happy that BF totaly understands where I am coming from. I don't want her to feel like the "unicorn" and I want her to be in this for all of us. I am open to letting BF and her continue on a relationship if her and I don't work and he is willing to allow the same between me and her. But, I can not agree on any situation without complete honesty (and maturity).
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Old 03-17-2010, 10:04 PM
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She tried saying that she wasn't lying, she just wasn't telling him everything (Umm, is this an age thing, because I am totaly rolling my eyes at that statement). I couldn't have been anymore adament on the honesty. I also told her that I wasn't looking for a swap or for her and her BF to be with us... just her.
I wouldn't say it's an age thing... I've always been adamant about honesty. I think it's about "an honesty thing"


Glad to hear things are looking up!
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