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  #1  
Old 11-15-2013, 01:27 PM
hapigoth316 hapigoth316 is offline
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Unhappy Please help a newbie

My partner and I have been together nearly 3 years, we are engaged and we have a 12 week old daughter.

Less than 2 weeks ago my partner told me that he wants to be polyamorous. The following day he was on a chat site and just decided to gauge people's reactions to him stating he is poly. He began chatting with a single woman who is interested in being his secondary. However, we as a duo had agreed not to pursue anything until after Christmas when we had chance to discuss what we feel we both need and how we feel it will affect us as a family and a couple.

He has started talking to her on a daily basis and is already sharing himself between us and has said he will meet her in the new year (We had already agreed he could meet next year but hand't agreed when). I suffer from depression (he also has despression and aspergers) and it has hit me hard that he feels he needs a secondary partner, but when our conversations always seem to be about what he needs and when I say that I feel that he needs to back away from her and concentrate on us and both of us being ok to pursue a third he says I am being a B**** and I am selfish.

He also lied to her about how I feel about the whole situation. Am I wrong for asking him to take time out to concentrate on us and our relationship before persuing a third?

Also did most people find that they were in triads before dicussing it or was it discussed and then pursued?

One last thing I feel I should point out is that he has tried this twice before once with me being a primary and once with me being a secondary and both times he ended it due to distance and the primary admitting she no longer loved him.
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  #2  
Old 11-15-2013, 02:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hapigoth316 View Post
My partner and I have been together nearly 3 years, we are engaged and we have a 12 week old daughter.

Less than 2 weeks ago my partner told me that he wants to be polyamorous.
Okay, here's one big red flag! Your daughter is 12 weeks old? As a parent of two girls, I know how all-consuming infants can be.

It seems . . . over-hasty for him to want to "add" someone else to your lives when, really, you've just added someone!

Quote:
Originally Posted by hapigoth316 View Post
The following day he was on a chat site and just decided to gauge people's reactions to him stating he is poly. He began chatting with a single woman who is interested in being his secondary. However, we as a duo had agreed not to pursue anything until after Christmas when we had chance to discuss what we feel we both need and how we feel it will affect us as a family and a couple.
The key phrase: "he just decided" . . . because he wanted to? In direct violation of a clear boundary the two of you had set?

That's another big red flag!

Quote:
Originally Posted by hapigoth316 View Post
He has started talking to her on a daily basis and is already sharing himself between us and has said he will meet her in the new year (We had already agreed he could meet next year but hand't agreed when). I suffer from depression (he also has despression and aspergers) and it has hit me hard that he feels he needs a secondary partner, but when our conversations always seem to be about what he needs and when I say that I feel that he needs to back away from her and concentrate on us and both of us being ok to pursue a third he says I am being a B**** and I am selfish.

He also lied to her about how I feel about the whole situation. Am I wrong for asking him to take time out to concentrate on us and our relationship before persuing a third?
Red flags are popping up like daisies, now. You are not being a bitch, you are not being selfish. You are right to articulate your needs and the needs of your daughter, and to insist on the boundaries you find acceptable. From what you report, he is being a selfish bastard, though.

I know it's too blunt, too rude, but if what you're saying is true, he needs to be called out on this. There is really no reason you should have to put up with this kind of conduct from him, or let yourself be shoved into a relationship model with which you are uncomfortable or for which you are not currently prepared.

Does he really have so little respect for you that your needs and the needs of his daughter count for so little? And really, it seems not to be about what he needs but what he wants. That just doesn't wash.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hapigoth316 View Post
Also did most people find that they were in triads before dicussing it or was it discussed and then pursued?
If you don't agree to it ahead of time, if you don't have an equal role in creating it, is it really a triad? There's a lot of discussion about the term on the forum, just now, but the view that seems most sensible to me is that successful triads cannot be forced into existence simply because one or two people want them to.

It might be worth spending a little time reading around the forum, especially threads on the struggles of other newcomers. There are many ways to be polyamorous, but what they have in common is the notion that any given configuration of relationships must be based on the free and informed consent of all involved.
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  #3  
Old 11-15-2013, 02:08 PM
hapigoth316 hapigoth316 is offline
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Thank you for your reply. I admit that in the past when we tried an open relationship I was pregnant and I agree that i was bitch to him in regards to that as I said that it was casual sex and no more.

He says that he has too much love to give and that is why he feels he needs a third. But my answer to that is fix us, but he doesn't feel that we are breaking but everyday for the past week I have cried over this and considered leaving him as I feel that he doesn't love me. Because if he did then he would consider my feelings before hers.
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Old 11-15-2013, 02:20 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hapigoth316 View Post
He says that he has too much love to give and that is why he feels he needs a third. But my answer to that is fix us, but he doesn't feel that we are breaking but everyday for the past week I have cried over this and considered leaving him as I feel that he doesn't love me. Because if he did then he would consider my feelings before hers.
Both of you might benefit from reading more widely on the forum. In reply to what you write here, I would say you might look into what is here called NRE - "new relationship energy" - which is a term for the way people tend to get twitterpated at the prospect or the reality of something NEW.

It might help you to understand that this shiny new person whom he has never met in person - that may be key - is really exciting to him, and is taking up a lot of his attention. If your relationship with him has any substance at all, his feelings for and his commitment you are likely to be deeper, more steady . . . and much less exciting.

(That's assuming a lot about the basis of your relationship with him.)

It might help him to understand the same thing, to distinguish his real and substantial commitment to you - you have a daughter together, after all, which imposes actual obligations on him - from the excitement of the new. Obligations are not exciting, of course, but they are binding nonetheless.

And, in context, the line that he has "too much love to give" comes across as gold-plated BS. It makes him seem so noble and generous when he may just be selfish and grasping. What he might really mean is that there are a lot of other women out there for him to lay, and he feels he's missing out.

Okay, sorry. I'm being too blunt. If he really is as you portray him, though, he does not exactly excite sympathy.
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Old 11-15-2013, 02:26 PM
hapigoth316 hapigoth316 is offline
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No, I appreciate you being blunt.

I have spoken to his mum previously and she believes it is just an ego trip. She said he may meet them once or twice but you are always the one that he comes back to at the end of the day.

I agree with you on what you are saying and have said to him that my belief is that it is all shiny and new and will die out in a month or two.

I have even agreed to swinging with him if it is just a case of sex and we even have a meet lined up with a couple who understand us.
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Old 11-15-2013, 02:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you struggle.

I don't think the agreement makes any sense when you have a newborn. How is this the BEST time to be adding NEW dating partners? (when you have just added a family member and that's already stressy and are still figuring out your roles as new parents?) Much too soon, IMHO.

On top of that, he's BROKEN the agreement and is telling lies.

He's also flipping it around on you.
Quote:
when I say that I feel that he needs to back away from her and concentrate on us and both of us being ok to pursue a third he says I am being a B**** and I am selfish.
No you are not. You are being assertive about your needs, and the needs of your baby. He's either willing to meet the needs or not willing to meet the needs. But merely bringing it to his attention is making him aware, not being "selfish."

The one who is being selfish is him if he's neglecting things at home to go out to play. If he is used to lashing out at you so you fold, so he gets his way? You have much bigger problems than merely "dating."

You cry every day and think about leaving him? This is so not ok. That is your feelings telling you that you are not approaching limit... you are BEYOND limit of tolerance.

Something must change so you can hope to feel better in time. What he does is not in your control. What YOU do? I suggest you could think long and hard about engagement to this man, and marriage to this man. This behavior SUCKS. But if this is how he behaves toward the mother of his newborn? Could call it a preview of what may come later.

Could not get strung along for more crazy. Could guard against that.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-15-2013 at 06:56 PM.
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:42 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yeah, he's being a selfish prick. Was this child planned? How on board with being a daddy is he? He might be telling you he's really not that into parenting. Which of course, sucks for you and the baby, and shows immaturity.

My sister and I were unplanned and my mom has told me that my dad would go out in the evenings leaving her alone with one or two babies (born 15 mos apart), not coming in til the AM hours... obviously he wasn't ready for parenthood. She said her tears would fall on our little bald heads...

Let me tell you, when I had a newborn, my husband would not have had time to flirt with other women. If he was home, and I wasn't actually nursing her, he was walking the floors with her or rocking her. After me having a full day of childcare (full days AND nights, since of course they don't sleep thru) and him having a full day at work, plus a long commute, we were both way too exhausted to think of sex with others. We barely had energy for doing the deed with each other! Heck, we were barely able to scarf down some food in big bites.
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Old 11-15-2013, 04:59 PM
hapigoth316 hapigoth316 is offline
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Our daughter was very much planned and when he is at home he is a very hands on Dad and there is no possible way that I could doubt his parenting. He also has 2 children from his first marriage that he is an excellent Dad to.
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Old 11-15-2013, 06:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ETA:

Quote:
He says that he has too much love to give and that is why he feels he needs a third.
Could ask how him breaking agreements and ignoring your needs when you bring it to his attention is him giving loving/kind behavior toward YOU. (Since he has so much of it to give.)


Quote:
Also did most people find that they were in triads before dicussing it or was it discussed and then pursued?
Could not focus on other people. Could focus on YOU. What do YOU prefer? How do YOU want to be treated and approached for polyshipping? Do you even want to with him? Or do you prefer a monoship?

Quote:
One last thing I feel I should point out is that he has tried this twice before once with me being a primary and once with me being a secondary and both times he ended it due to distance and the primary admitting she no longer loved him.
Are you saying he is in the habit of ignoring you and having other relationships without you agreeing to participate in polyship? And you were in the habit of going along with whatever in the past?

I am confused. Could you be willing to clarify that? Because you sound like you are hurting here.

And that is not "polyshipping" to me. That is "having an affair" and breaking relationship agreements. Just "cheating" out in front of your face rather than behind your back.

How do you see yourself getting through this? What would be "acceptable", "good" and "great" here for you?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-16-2013 at 01:41 AM.
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  #10  
Old 11-15-2013, 08:53 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I didn't know he was being a great dad. I thought he was spending a huge amount of his free time chatting up his new girl? So, he's being a good dad, he's just not giving you attention when the kids' needs are met?

I skimmed over where you said he has Asperger's and depression. Funny, because my dad has Asperger's as well. You know a quality they can have is getting "locked in" to some passion and not realize how their ... enthusiasm for it is affecting others. Add in depression and... hm. Have either of you been properly diagnosed and treated for that?

Again, new baby and both of you depressed, definitely not time to add a lover.

Ditto what GalaGirl said about cheating in plain sight.
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