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Old 04-10-2012, 09:59 PM
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Adorn Adorn is offline
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Default Frustrations of a PolyNewb

Heeey guys,

My boyfriend and I are new to the poly scene. We've been together 6 years now, are in college, and have an outstandingly strong relationship. We've rarely been apart in the course of our lives together, and we don't fight or argue--we always discuss civilly and come to mutual agreements and understandings on issues. Jealousy has been virtually eliminated as well. I absolutely love our relationship and am thrilled at the idea of bringing in someone new. SO, here's our story of how that came to be.

Polyamory kinda came to us on its own. Over the past year and a half we've developed a strong emotional bond to a close friend of ours. He fits in with us without a hitch, spends time with us constantly, has deep conversations for hours about random subjects, most of the time intellectual topics, and honestly just feels like a member of our relationship. Hell, we even had (and still do) a group SMS chat open with him that the three of us used to constantly communicate. With all of this in mind, we finally approached him with the idea after having researched polyamory extensively. He had recently broken off with someone he'd been seeing, and was once again spending the bulk of his time by our sides. Upon introducing the idea, he seemed genuinely excited, telling us that it was something he'd been thinking about on his own as well. We talked at length about the idea, and admitted how strongly we all felt for one another, and that we'd fallen for each other hard.

We agreed to start dating as a triad some to see where things went. Before we got the chance, however, winter break hit and he went home for about a month. During this time he did what he himself has said he's notorious for--he talked himself out of it. He focused on every risk he'd be taking, or how his family would react, etc. and decided it just wasn't for him. He dropped out of contact while he deliberated this, which is the only time we've ever just not heard from him for any period of time. It's like he didn't want us communicating with him about this or how it actually could work so beautifully. That's fine, and we'd told him that if he ever felt he needed to call it off, he could do it. What makes things so frustrating for us, however, is that it still feels as if we're all together. He still communicates through our group chat constantly, he still comes to us about everything, he visits us constantly, sits close to us, etc. It's frustrating because we have such strong feelings for him, and it feels like we have a relationship happening, but just without actually saying it, and without being able to grow even closer or intimate as we would had we moves forward as a triad.

*Sigh* I know that it's out of my hands, and that it's his call, but it's really painful for myself and my boyfriend. We'd really fallen for this guy, and we absolutely adore having him around, but honestly it really hurts at the same time. He's talking to random guys and dating some again, and that's really bittersweet for us as well, because while we want him to be happy and to really enjoy love, we know that we could make his life wonderful, and how good we could have been to him. But alas, instead we have to watch as he grabs around trying to find someone while we're sitting right next to him, all having confessed our feelings for one another. He still talks about us all moving to the same place together, if only he'd see that he's practically already in a perfect relationship for himself. =\

Again, I know there's really not advice to give, but I needed to vent this to people that could understand, because it's really been a weight that hasn't let up at all over the past month.

Thanks for reading. =]
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:33 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Welcome.

It could just take longer for him to figure out it's okay. He might not.

I can tell you my whatever-it-is was about eight years in the making (nine? I can't count very well). I was with First Boyfriend and Current Boyfriend was our very dear and good friend. They worked together. Then I broke up with First Boyfriend, and after a bit, started going with Current Boyfriend. Then I broke up with Current Boyfriend (and made him move out). Now, they're both my boyfriend (lucky girl). I wasn't going at it with intention, but here it is.

I know it's painful. I recommend working on compersion, being happy for him if he finds happiness in new loves. Keep on loving him, even if he isn't your boyfriend (now).
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:19 AM
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Adorn Adorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Welcome.

It could just take longer for him to figure out it's okay. He might not.

I can tell you my whatever-it-is was about eight years in the making (nine? I can't count very well). I was with First Boyfriend and Current Boyfriend was our very dear and good friend. They worked together. Then I broke up with First Boyfriend, and after a bit, started going with Current Boyfriend. Then I broke up with Current Boyfriend (and made him move out). Now, they're both my boyfriend (lucky girl). I wasn't going at it with intention, but here it is.

I know it's painful. I recommend working on compersion, being happy for him if he finds happiness in new loves. Keep on loving him, even if he isn't your boyfriend (now).
I really appreciate that response, thanks. =] Makes me feel a little hopeful still, haha. And you're right, I think we will be able to be happy for him if he moves on, and I know it's the right thing to do. Just gonna take some time!
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