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Old 07-23-2012, 11:30 PM
Stephy2002 Stephy2002 is offline
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Question New at poly, having unexpected feelings of jealousy.

So, me and my bf found a new gal pal. She is mostly his friend, I don't really have anything in common with her, but they get along great. I like her, she's sweet, beautiful, I really do like her. However, I think it took me by surprise, that, when we did find someone, her and my bf are... getting along really well. This should be a good thing. Logically it is. It didn't bother me until she came over last night, and I saw them cuddling and talking on the bed. I laid with them for a little while, but I just felt like I was intruding, so I went elsewhere and let them have some privacy. In reality, I wanted to run in there and yell, "Get off my BOYFRIEND!!"

I'm really just confused. I've fantasized about them having sex, and was genuinely very turned on by it. So I thought that I would love it when it became a reality. But they haven't even had sex yet, and the fires of jealousy are burning within me.

It didn't phase me when he told me about what they did do. (making out, etc.) What bothered me the most, was seeing them play footsey in bed, her laying her head on his chest, whispering to each other. Knowing that he listens to her problems, that they are becoming close friends. I know how easily it can be to fall out of love with someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. I fell in love with someone else when I was married.

I've expressed my feelings to him, so he knows exactly how I feel. We've talked about it. I feel like he means it when he tells me I have nothing to worry about. But I also meant it, at first, when I told my husband about my "new friend". And then I accidentally fell in love.

I know I need to be happy for him, that he's found a new friend. I guess part of it is that, when we are all three together, I feel like the third wheel.

I honestly have never really felt jealousy before, with anyone, and I just don't know what to do with these feelings. When I know they are together, in bed, I am happy for him, I am even kinda turned on, but I also want to go in there and drag her off the bed by her hair, yelling "Mine! Mine! MMMMINE!" >.<

Guys, what do I do? I can't ask them not to see each other. They are good friends. I liked the idea of being poly, and I would still like to be, but these awful feelings just smacked me in the face and I don't know what to do.
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  #2  
Old 07-23-2012, 11:57 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Default Completely Normal

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Originally Posted by Stephy2002 View Post
In reality, I wanted to run in there and yell, "Get off my BOYFRIEND!!"
Hahah! Bravo! I admire your honesty and I suspect it will get you far in a coupling arrangement like poly.

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I'm really just confused. I've fantasized about them having sex, and was genuinely very turned on by it. So I thought that I would love it when it became a reality. But they haven't even had sex yet, and the fires of jealousy are burning within me.
I would avoid confusing one thing with the other. Your being turned on by them sleeping together is one thing - your being jealous of their cuddling and budding love for each other can be (and seems to be in your case) entirely different.

People equate different values to love/romance and sex.

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I know how easily it can be to fall out of love with someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. I fell in love with someone else when I was married.
The name of the game in polyamory is having the ability to love more than one person and this being completely ok. I am in love with multiple women, my skin tingles and my heart skips a beat when I see either of them. The feelings are different, of course, because they are different women, but the fact that I love both of them is undeniable.

Falling out of love with someone and falling in love with someone else are two different conversations. We do not have a limited amount of love to offer - if I love one person it does not automatically tip a scale and force me to fall out of love with someone else. I would caution you about confusing those two topics (if that is indeed what I am reading).

There is NOTHING outside of artificial rules that say his new love for this girl will affect his love for you (at least not any more than giddy excitement over a new hobby or new friendship)

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I've expressed my feelings to him, so he knows exactly how I feel. We've talked about it. I feel like he means it when he tells me I have nothing to worry about.
If this is true you are in luck. I might just chalk the jealousy feelings up to shock from a new situation and needing to keep the lines of communication open.

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I know I need to be happy for him, that he's found a new friend. I guess part of it is that, when we are all three together, I feel like the third wheel.
That's an important thing to realize. Maybe there won't be room for you in the beginning and you'll need to accept the fact that they need more time to themselves, maybe you need to improve at voicing "Mind if I cuddle with you guys for a bit?" or the like. I'm not sure what your desired outcome is.

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I honestly have never really felt jealousy before, with anyone, and I just don't know what to do with these feelings.
Mainly I'd say to not blow it out of proportion. People get jealous and envious, certainly for a person who's pretty new to sharing in this fashion (if I understand your situation correctly).
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  #3  
Old 07-24-2012, 12:04 AM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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well sweety, i hope you all the best. if you know he loves you and your secure about his love for you then you don't have to worry about losing him. the next time u feel jealous maybe decide to talk to them about it at that moment instead of leaving the room?
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Old 07-24-2012, 12:17 AM
Stephy2002 Stephy2002 is offline
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If I take a step back, and examine the situation from a third person point of view, it seems that he has just found a new friend, and they are just getting to know each other. That's why it seems like maybe he is more affectionate with her atm than with me. We had our honeymoon phase, and was like that too. (well we were all over each other lol) So I guess it's just that it's something new, they are just exploring each other, getting to know what makes each other tick.

Also, come to think of it, when we are at her house, I am just fine, because usually, they are playing video games, or up in her room talking, while I'm occupied with talking to her mom. (I was surprised at this, but me and her mom are getting to be, like, friends!) I don't even think about what they are up to.

But when she was here, I couldn't stand being in the room with them, whispering to each other, being lovey on each other. So I went into my computer room, and just cried. It was also like, she was invading on my territory? (I know she didn't mean to, it's just how I felt.)

Also I might want to add, me and my bf have Asperger's. I think because of this I usually have problems understanding my emotions. When I first started feeling jealous, I didn't understand it. I felt a tightness in my chest, I felt a little sick to my stomach, my heart was going a mile a minute. And before I could figure it out, I was crying. So my conclusion is that what I was feeling is jealousy.
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Old 07-24-2012, 12:31 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Hugs.

Been there. It can be really challenging watching your SO fall in love with another person. I think that's why a lot of people develop individual relationships instead of going for the Olympics of a triad/threesome right away. It puts all of the challenges of poly right up front and personal in a very spectator-sport kind of way.

I went through similar feelings with my husband and his now ex-girlfriend. We started out as a triad, and they developed a stronger emotional relationship after just a few short weeks. It took them longer to realize that they needed alone time than it did for me to see the need for it, but none of us were really willing to make the call.

It sounds like when you're occupied with someone else, and outside of your home it is easier for you. Perhaps when they have one-on-one time it should be at her place, and you should have other people to hang out with - whether it be her mom, a close friend, your family, or another partner of your own. This will enable you to not be immersed in their NRE, and not have it be so in-your-face.

Kudos for you for being honest with yourself about your feelings. I find that it helps to dissect jealousy, as underneath that blanket/umbrella feeling, there are other issues that you can take a look at. Remember that while it is a valid feeling, it is in fact just a feeling, and doesn't necessarily make the fears, insecurities, anger, etc. legitimate outside of being a real feeling. It can be a construct of past insecurities, a fear of abandonment, or other "ghost emotions" that really hold no basis in reality when you look good and hard at them outside of the immediate situation.

I found having coping strategies helpful - had friends I could talk to, journalled, went for jogs, did yoga, blogged, cleaned the house, had a mantra that I recorded and would listen to, got a life coach, etc. When you make those feelings your responsibility, and find positive ways of approaching them it gives you activities that you can turn to that will improve the quality of your life, which in turn makes it easier to deal with the feelings.

I think it's important to share your feelings with both of them, and ask for what you need, as well. What do you think you need to feel safer and more at ease with their connection? What do you think would help you when you're feeling that way so that you don't feel that you have to hide away and be sad by yourself? I know that feeling, and I can tell you from experience that it a) doesn't make you feel good b) doesn't make the situation better. I would encourage you to find ways to express yourself, and take care of yourself during those times so that you can tackle those tricky feelings without being alienated.

Hugs.
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Old 07-24-2012, 12:35 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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He might well fall in love with her. Would that be ok with you? It by no means necessarily means that he would fall out of love with you, as long as he is paying close attention to his feelings and making special time for you even as his relationship with her develops.

Maybe it would be better if you guys were more clear that group time, when everyone is together, should be less lovey-dovey (which means, for the sake of her feelings, that you and he also have to keep your hands off of each other when you are all together) and that lovey cuddles should be reserved for private time for now?

Great resources here, in the Jealousy and Insecurity section: http://www.morethantwo.com/
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Old 07-25-2012, 09:25 AM
Stephy2002 Stephy2002 is offline
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Hmm, ok so, apparently what I was feeling is not jealousy. They are behind me RIGHT NOW having sex. And I think it's awesome. What I was confusing as jealousy, well, I couldn't eat, my heart was pounding when she was here, butterfies in my stomach.... I think I have a crush on her! wtf!

Maybe those feelings of "get off my boyfriend!" was more like "get off her it's my turn!"

Last edited by Stephy2002; 07-25-2012 at 09:29 AM.
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Old 07-25-2012, 12:44 PM
thenewgirl79 thenewgirl79 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephy2002 View Post
Hmm, ok so, apparently what I was feeling is not jealousy. They are behind me RIGHT NOW having sex. And I think it's awesome. What I was confusing as jealousy, well, I couldn't eat, my heart was pounding when she was here, butterfies in my stomach.... I think I have a crush on her! wtf!

Maybe those feelings of "get off my boyfriend!" was more like "get off her it's my turn!"
does she feel attraction for women too?
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Old 07-25-2012, 01:02 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Or maybe affection makes you jealous, because it makes you think of them being in a relationship and being in love, which feels like a real threat, but sex doesn't because it's purey physical, and also the amount it turns you on overrides any jealous feelings? Just a thought.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:43 PM
Stephy2002 Stephy2002 is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Or maybe affection makes you jealous, because it makes you think of them being in a relationship and being in love, which feels like a real threat, but sex doesn't because it's purey physical, and also the amount it turns you on overrides any jealous feelings? Just a thought.
It is really weird. So, she came over, they "did it", and after she left today, of course I got to hear all about it. I was happy for them. I did not have any negative feelings at all. I was actually smiling while he told me about it.

Also, after spending a little more time with her, and actually talking with her, she's a great person, but, I know there are things about her, and things about me, which let me know for sure that, yes they make great friends, but I could never see him in a long term relationship with her, solely her. The three of us, perhaps, but, I am definitively someone I know he could never live without (I couldn't be without him either!) For example, the thing he takes the most pride in is the electronic music he makes. I absolutely love it, love listening, talking to him about it, helping him out with it. When he let her listen to it, the interest was minimal at best. I'm not trying to put her down at ALL. She is a wonderful person, in her own right. Just stuff like that lets me know I'm def. primary.

I think it was a mixture of jealousy, excitement because it's new, I really do like her, and strong curiosity about what's going on in the next room.

Also, yes she is very much into girls. After I told her about thinking I'm developing a crush on her, giving her compliments, etc,... she's been giving me snuggles too. ^_^ *crosses fingers*

I'm really happy though, that it is all working out so far. Now to get her over her apprehension about threesomes...
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